Saturday March 20th, 2010

Some days when Anaya struggles it feels like a lead weight on my heart. This morning Anaya seemed to have woken up with a touch of a cold. Her little nose was stuffy and her throat was phlemmy. Babies don't really know how to cough on demand, so she clears her throat repeatedly which sounds like bubbles breaking through wet mud. It's very frightening. I have to hold her vertical and wipe her mouth out with a dry clean cloth. Even then sometimes she'll inhale that yucky mucous and start choking, her lips turning blue. I have to tip her upside down and pat her back - trying to get gravity to help get the fluid out of her airway.

It's moments like this that I really miss my mother. She passed away when I was a teenager. When I need someone to call up and cry to and blabber on about how frightened I am and how uncertain I am and how the whole world feels like it's falling apart - I wish I had my mother. My grandmother has been here for me - but she has her own health issues and I don't want to burden her with my emotional dilemmas. Usually I call up a friend and gently touch on my feelings, skirting around my reservoir of emotion - because when this dam breaks I might lose it. The negative thoughts that I push down a hundred times a day become stronger when Anaya struggles. That's when I have to fight harder to believe she can heal. To believe that anything I'm doing is making a difference. I have to hold onto this belief and trust in Love and I know that, quashing down those thoughts of funeral parlours and crematoriums and grief. I hold on to the love and belief of my family and friends and it buoys me up out of my despair enough to know that everything will be okay. That I have to trust in life, trust in the universe, trust in the magic known as "God", trust that even in death there is a new beginning and that it's not something to be frightened of.

I fear the emptiness that follows a death. The hollow moments when you expect your loved one to walk into the room. Awakening from dreams of pleasant distorted reality to an aching heart and memories of moments lost in time. I fear waking up and finding her cold and breathless. I fear these thoughts the most.

The fact is that Anaya is here now. She's doing well. This mucous is just a cold. She's going to get over it. She is healing. The myelin is growing like warm fatty little sleeping bags on her nuerons. She is opening her eyes wider, moving her arms and legs more, paying close attention to faces and making eye contact with everyone. She knows who I am. This is wonderful, this is enough. When I stay in the moment my fears dissapeer and hope lights my heart.

This next week will be pretty busy. Anaya will be seeing a few different healers, we have a "medical" team meeting with the nurses, doctor and physio lady Maria (who is a darling lady), we have to put away all these medical supplies that arrived in the mail yesterday. And through all of it we put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Forward into the uncertain. But our family has each other and the love and support from our extended family and the Kootenay community and it helps. It helps so much you cannot even know. I had two wonderful women approach me on the street this week. "Are you Camara?" One said.

"Yes" I replied. She handed me some cash and said
"This is to help Anaya and your family." And she walked away down the street. This has happened more than once. It's a miracle that brings tears to my eyes each time. I could never say thank you enough times. Money has been tight this month but Brent just got hired full time at Hellman Kayaks and Canoes and is starting there at the end of the month. So after the fundraiser we should be okay - provided our nurses show up to work.

Veronica had a paperwork issue and hasn't been back since wednesday. I met our part time nurse Nicole today but she's only available for 3 - 6 hours a week starting next week. The other two nurses that were hired haven't even phoned me yet. I'm starting to wonder how long it's going to take to get a routine, a settled schedule. It would be nice to be able to organize our lives a little.

After a morning of Anaya feeling yucky she seemed better this afternoon. I took her to visit my friend Penny who watched her for a couple hours so that I could go regain some sanity with my friend Shelann. We went to the Dump. Very grounding lol. When I returned home my new friend Karen was at the house with her foster dog, vaccuming and helping clean. I have so much appreciation and gratitude. Thank you.

Many people have been helping us, and helping Anaya. Thank you Penny, thank you grandma, thank you Dad and Karma, thank you Procter, Thank you Nelson, Thank you to the Nursing moms, Thank you to Alli, to Tom ,to Marlene and Phil, To the jon and jane does. Thank you for Loving Anaya. Thank you for helping our family. Thank you for reading my blog and caring.