You don't know me, but...
This is the quote of the past ten days. I have received hundreds of emails that start with this line. It is both beautiful and heartwarming how many people have reached out to send their condolences and tell me how much Anaya has influenced their lives. How they will never forget her.
I could never forget her.
I've spent the last couple of days in a state of quiet vigilance. I'm not sure which way to go or what to do just yet so I'm staying put until I figure it out. I've been praying and asking for guidance, both from God and from Anaya. There are times that I cannot hold back my grief. My heart aches and I feel as though I am suffocating. I even get guilty thinking that I didn't do enough for her - or that we shouldn't have taken her off life support so soon. I feel bad that I didn't take her little baby feet in my hands that final night and given her a massage. I think that I was given extra strength to get through that period of time. I know that we did the right thing and I do my best to quash my negative thinking.
But when I think about her beautiful little body, slowly going mottled and cold I cannot stand it. I feel nauseated with sorrow. I try to focus on the rainbows instead.
It is very apparent to me that death has not ended our connection, but changed it. She asks me to have more faith than I ever have before and to move forward as quickly as possible. I'm willing to do the work - I just don't know which direction to start out in. Should we move back to Nelson? Should we stay in the Lower mainland? For now I think just being present with Solara and spending my time with her, loving her and playing with her is what I need to do. Solara really wants to move back to Nelson. She misses her friends and her school. I am taking her feelings very seriously. I miss Nelson too. Both Brent and I want to do what's right. We want to make a difference and finish what we started. I also know that I need to write. Another message I keep getting from Anaya is that I'm supposed to share what she shows me in my dreams. She says there is more to it than just newborn screening. That there are big changes going on in our world that people should know about.
I almost feel as though I could reach the mama's through writing if I really gave it my all. Once the memorial is over maybe I'll be able to focus more.
Camara, your words truly inspire me. Your connection with Anaya is amazing. You are on the right path, just trust in that. You may have questions but the universe always answers.
ReplyDeleteStay strong mamma. You've done EVERYTHING you possibly could for Anaya, you've made the right choices for her. NEVER doubt yourself.Fallow your hearts, go were home is for you all.Anaya will be with you. Home is were you make it, and you will always have a rainbow with your home.
ReplyDeleteBlessed be
May the Goddess be with you in this time, she will be your shoulder when needed.All you need do is ask her and she will be there.
Guilt is a normal stage in the grief process. I don't know a single mother that has lost her baby that didn't, at some point, have those thought of did I do enough or was this choice right. You are an amazing mother and I hope that deep down you know you did everything in your power for that sweet baby of yours.
ReplyDeleteAnd as a mother of an angel baby myself I will agree with you that death is not the end. It's just a new chapter. Your connection to her is eternal, forever.
Keep writing, keep following your heart, keep doing what you are doing. People are listening. Love and Hugs!
Anaya says"one hour at a time mama"
ReplyDeleteI'm in tears again. I haven't really ever said much But I have been a silent follower since I first saw your post for milk in Nelson. Your baby was here for far to short of a time but she did the work she was here to do. Her memory will do great things. She will show you great things. I get tinglies when i read some of your posts. I know that you are going to do great tings and great things will be revealed to you. Your precious baby is one of the special chosen ones and you were her mother
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) you and your whole family are in my thoughts every day. I have lost parents, I have lost family but I can't imagine living through the loss of a child.
ReplyDeleteFocus on those rainbows...
There is something special about Nelson, isn't there? It was where I was raised until I was 10 and I still consider it my home. Lots of love....
Moving through grief is a roller coaster ride with emotions .
ReplyDeleteAt first it feels like a very bad dream & your body is in shock which protects you from the pain of grief that can come days or weeks later as you begin to feel the pain more intensely.
Working through grief is an ever changing process you must move through at your own
pace, it can help to have friends to talk with, but even friends and family may sometimes want
us to move through our grief faster than we are able, so sometimes seeing a counselor can be better because they know that it is a hard process and will not expect you to be "over it" in 6 months or less.
I read a article written by a couple that had 2 of their children pass on and I thought this quote said it best.
"Many individuals who have experienced significant losses are not grieving less over time; they’re just grieving less often with the passage of time."
I know how hard this process is don't rush yourself let yourself process this deep lose in your own way and time.
In Bible, in the story of Job he asked the question "If a man die, shall he live again? and In faith Job answered his own question: "For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth: And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God." ( Job 19:25-56) I do know that we will be resurrected & reunited with our bodies. But knowing all that does not make the sadness disappear but it does give me peace.
And a lot of joy knowing that my children will have the joy to experience a healthy body.
(((Hugs))) to you and your family Camara
Cindy
I think you are on the right track Camara, your heart is telling you that you are on the right track. I believe you have amazing insights to share with the world and I can't wait to see it in print. :-) Miss you and sending you my love constantly. <3
ReplyDeleteAs I mentioned early on in your journey with Anaya, Nelson is a healing & special place to me. Maybe it's a good idea to get back to Nelson at least to regroup with your family and let Solara be somewhere familiar? I live in Vancouver and love it here, but it's not the best place to "get your bearings"..... maybe it's just me.
ReplyDeleteAgain I am so sorry for your loss. I do know what you are going through and the guilt that is there. I lost my son recently, although I didn't have 2 yrs to love or care for him or to have to go through seeing him suffer I do understand the pain of loss and regrets. We lost him at 34wks gestation. We never got to hear his baby sighs or see his beautiful eyes. When I think back at the moments we had after he was delivered with his body I think of regrets I had. Why didn't I take this picture, or dress him, ect. Wondering if something could have been prevented and so on. It is so painful, but I think to dwell on it will just eat us up. We did all we could. You did all you could. You helped turn your little girls suffering into good for others. Her life was so precious and to have such wonderful loving parents that cared so well for her even to her last breath...who could ask for more? No one. It's like when Mary had to watch Jesus suffer and die, loosing her son. His pain and suffering was good for others, just as Anaya's was. YOu guys have done so much good. Please have no regrets.
ReplyDeletePeace, love and prayers. Shari
Camara you are an amazing Mother,your so inspirational.I have never met Anaya or your family, but this has touched my heart and woven into my soul, i think about Anaya on a daily basis as well as shed many tears for her and for your family, i couldn't imagine what you must be feeling, but take solice in knowing you have done everything you could have and still are, your still willing to get your story out there.Thats so admirable.
ReplyDeleteI feel like my heart is heavy, because i have a little boy just a few short weeks older than Anaya,or maybe beause i have another 9 year old son who has shaken baby syndrome.You give me hope and inspiration to try even harder to raise awareness about SBS, i stopped talking about it, cause i felt like nobody wanted to listen to it.But you have so much love and support from strangers and loved ones, and have done such an amazing job anout getting Anaya's story out there, she is so proud of her mama :) Like i think many are.
That beautiful little angel will always be where she needs to be, in your heart.
Just trust your intuition and your heart and it will lead you to where you should be.
Hugs to you and your family as well as many thoughts and prayers. Hang in there and just tap into all the support you have and utilize it, there are many people who are willing to help with anything you need, just remember to take whatever time you need to greive, cause your allowed to!!
Camara-
ReplyDeleteI feel very strongly that this blog should be published as a book. You are a beautiful writer...You would reach so many people that way...
I think of Anaya every day- I see her in the faces of my girls, see her playing and talking and laughing. Her memory often moves me to tears, even though we never met.
I wanted to come for her birthday celebration-I had sent you a couple of messages saying that my husband and I would travel down with our children and volunteer...but you were so busy planning, they must have been lost somewhere..
I really wish that I had come anyway...
In the past 10 days, Anaya's story has reached another 6000 people at the very least-and that's just the new 'likers' on facebook!
You are amazing.
Sending you strength and love to get through the next few days
Love Kyla
I have only recently heard if Anaya's story on a picture sharing app on the iPhone, instagram and a few things::
ReplyDeleteFirst I would like to convey my deepest condolences to you and Brent and your families. I do know the pain of losing children, although through miscarriage. My twins would be 2 years old this December. I cannot fathom burying my child after caring for her for 2 years. You and Brent are two very strong people, and even stronger as a unit. Anaya was absolutely perfect and beautiful and was blessed to have parents that love and care for her the way you two did xx
I have not stopped crying since learning of your beautiful baby Anaya. I finally had a successful pregnancy and gave birth to my daughter this past June. By reading and learning about Anaya's life, she has taught me patience, and you have taught me that it is quite possible to love my daughter even more than before.
I definitely agree you should have this published as a book and all proceeds to go to The Anaya Initiative.
I wished I won the lottery. I would love to donate to her cause.
Massive hugs and lots of love,
Theresa Trinidad of Toronto
Thinking of you and the gorgeous Anaya. .
ReplyDeleteSending my love.
ReplyDeleteI'm another person you don't know but I want to send you love. I'm so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you.
ReplyDeletePlease know that you are in my hearts and my prayers and hopes for healing and comfort.
Much love.
Heather
Oh, Camara, my heart aches for you. Take as much time as you need to be quiet and feel God's peace and the love radiating from all your readers. Things will work themselves out when it is time.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful child. Thank you for sharing your story, all of your hopes and fears and even your dreams. Thank you for all of it. Anaya is in a better place now, I know it.
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing mother and woman you are Camara.You know in your heart that Anaya is always with you - her body has passed, but she is still with you and always will be. You are so right in listening to yourself, getting quiet when you're not sure in which direction to go, and having enough faith to know that you will know what the next step is and when to take it when the time is right. In the meantime, know that you have so many people praying for you and sending you and your family much love.
ReplyDeleteDear Camara
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear that Anaya passed away. I wish there was something I could say or do to help you in this difficult time. All I can really do is send you my prayers, love and best wishes at this time in the hopes you will know that you are not alone and that Anaya's story has been passed on to me, someone you don't know. I am thankful for all the time you had with your beautiful baby. What a blessing! I know that while time may not help heal all your hurt and grief, love will and I'm grateful that you were able to experience that beautiful love and only a mother and child may share.
Many prayers, blessings and love being sent to you from GA.
I am a stranger, but I am sending my love to you and your family. <3
ReplyDeleteHi Camara,
ReplyDeleteSo so sorry for your loss. Anaya sounds like a beautiful little girl and you were a wonderful mother to her. God is watching over you, there is no doubt in my mind that you are in countless people's (including my own) prayers and with all of those positive prayers and thoughts, I know you will get through this.
Thank you for being an inspiration!
Leia
I'm so sorry for your loss, but I know at the same time that your little girl is in heaven with God. The connection you have with her and your faith in God is truly amazing. I hope that you continue to trust in Him and feel His loving arms around you as you cope with the difficult changes you are facing.
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers,
Shannon
Listen and follow your heart. Peace to you and yours during this difficult time. Sending out positive thoughts for you all.
ReplyDeleteI wish you enough. Enough time and support to grieve. Enough love to honor with joy. Enough courage to live on past this.
ReplyDeleteDo not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sun on ripened grain.
I am the gentle Autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
by Mary Elizabeth Frye (1932)
Love to you
I Am Not There
ReplyDeleteby Mary Elizabeth Frye (1932)
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sun on ripened grain.
I am the gentle Autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Sending Prayers for peace in the midst of your storm.
ReplyDeleteLove Bomb sent me here and I am crying for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine the loss you are feeling or the hole that has left in your heart. Just know that there are lots of us out there loving you and loving your beautiful family.
ReplyDeleteSending prayers for peace in your storm.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I can't pretend to know how you feel, but reading this blog, I am amazed at your strength and love. It sounds like you filled your daughter's life with all the love you had to give knowing that she wouldn't be alive for long. Sending you an equivalent amount of love in return. Thank you for being such an inspirational parent.
ReplyDeleteYour family is in our thoughts, many blessings. You’ve done everything a wonderful mom would do, never doubt that! Just take one step at a time and keep educating everyone. Lots of hugs!
ReplyDeleteAnaya is always with you. She is in every breath, every smile, every laugh, every sunrise and every sunset. Close your eyes and breathe her in. She is here.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I could say anything that would help. Keep praying and I will pray for you as well.
ReplyDeleteDear camara...So Sorry to hear about your loss.
ReplyDeleteYou can be sure the worlds much better today than yesterday because of You n Anaya.
The ones we love never really leave us..they live on in us.
I'm sure You Are an amazing person..Your efforts to ensure other people realise the importance of pre-natal care shows us that You're one of those rare people in this world who CARE....
Love & Light.
With Prayers
rida Soleil
Your daughter Anaya was beautiful on the inside and out. I am truly sorry for your loss. I think you have showed amazing courage in your quest to let other women know how important pre-natal care is. Thank you for giving of yourself, even though you were battling to keep your daughter alive--please keep up the good work and I hope each day you feel a little bit better.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Erika
Camara, I am so sorry to hear of Anaya's passing, what a beautiful girl and a beautiful name. I truly believe that she is still with you and I am thankful that you can feel her presence, she will always be with you and loving you. Much love from Celia
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, Camara, for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I can see so clearly how much you love her and I want you to know that your love and faith are SO inspiring. Keep praying and keep trusting God - He will continue to give you the strength you need. Seek refuge in Him. And know too that there are so many people here who love you and are with you as you grieve. Lots of love x x
ReplyDeleteSending you comfort and strength during this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, you are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteRelationships don't end, they just change. That's one powerful insight. Even when it seems like the ultimate ender, death visits, it just changes how the relationship manifests.
ReplyDeleteWhat profound and clear presence you have with your child's spirit, hyperfocused by the drama surrounding her brief life.
Words fail in situations like these, so I'll leave you with something that broke my heart open when my father died, so it might heal again:
“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever”
namaste,
SteveA
"Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in Heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." ~Author Unknown
ReplyDeleteDear Camara,
What's good with you? I always begin my greetings this way because I feel in ANY situation there is always SOMEthing to appreciate. I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm glad that you were able to spend the time you had with Anaya. Mere words may be of little comfort at a time like this, so I'll keep it short. I hope that you and your family have all of the support you need. As my friends in Morocco say, tHllay f rask (ta ha lie ef raa sick...take care of your head)!
Peace and love,
Rissa
Much love and peace to you as you journey on. May the inspiration of your daughters move you on to continue writing and advocating.
ReplyDeleteLisa
love, love, & more love...enough to fill and spill over again and again
ReplyDeleteSending lots of love, hugs, and prayers to you and your family. And breath... just keep breathing.
ReplyDeleteyou are amazing. baby steps every day. the key is to let yourself grieve. it will be the best thing for you. i send you lots and lots of love and prayers and hope and strength.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo (you don't know me :)) ellie
She's so beautiful. I can see how much her loss hurts you, but like you said, she's not really lost or gone. She's just somewhere else. To steal a line from a song,
ReplyDelete"There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning"
and while the pain of her not being with you may never leave you, not completely, things will get better and there will be so much beautiful light at the end of this tunnel. I'm sending lots of love in your general direction. xxxx
Camara please know that I'm carrying you and your family in my thoughts and in my heart.
ReplyDeletemuch love...
Camara please know that I'm carrying you and your family in my thoughts and in my heart.
ReplyDeletemuch love....
I am so sorry for your loss, and I am praying that you will be able to focus on the rainbows.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Stay strong during this difficult time both for yourself, your family and for beautiful Anaya's legacy. I find what you are doing inspiring and I pray for you to have the strength to keep it going. Take care, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteI so wish that I had been able to know Anaya and your wonderful family. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us, and giving us the opportunity to learn about your beautiful little girl.
ReplyDeleteMay you be blessed with love and light in all that you do.
With love xxx
Camara - what amazing courage and inner strength you have. You have walked a journey many couldn't. Yet, I can't imagine the ache of your soul for Anaya. I pray in this time you can rest, heal, and recover. I pray for peace to your soul and divine comfort to your spirit. I pray God meets you in your inner most places to begin the process of restoring you from this journey so you can move onto the dreams he has placed in your heart. Words feel so inadequate at a time like this but I know that the God of all can meet you in a way no one else can. I pray he meets you in a special way today to remind you that you are seen, heard and felt, that he was with you every step of the way.
ReplyDeleteI wish you strength and peace....
ReplyDelete(((hugs))),
Lori Luza
Cam, you and your family have to be some of the strongest people I've ever met. Even as a Untied States Marine, I found it hard to hold my composure while viewing the photos of your last moments with your daughter Anaya, especially with your other daughter so close to her as she went to be with YHVH.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned "You don't know me, but..." as being the opening line of so many emails and posts of support. You may not know me, but I now know YOU, at least your strength and acceptance of something that was ultimately not meant to be. If I am faced with similar circumstances, I pray to be able to let go and let G-d the way that you and your family did.
May you be blessed and highly favored, now and always.
G-Man
Camara, Brent, and Solara - I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know that I am sending love and light for comfort and strength.
ReplyDeleteAs a mom I cannot imagine having to go through what you have gone through. May Jehovah wrap his arms around you and your family and bring heal your heavy hearts.
ReplyDeleteHello there. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you - as are many others, as you can see.
ReplyDeleteLove, Robin :)
I'm an sorry for your loss and hope your healing is quickened by the thought the many are sending their love and her memory is instilled in us all...
ReplyDeleteI am sending you all my love and prayers for healing. I hope that some peace can find you!
ReplyDeleteCamara,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss of your beautiful little girl Anaya. I can't begin to imagine everything you are feeling right now but know that you are in my prayers (and a lot of others!) and I hope you can feel that love.
Angie xx
Camara, I do not know you, but I want you to know that I will be praying for you, please don't give up!
ReplyDeleteGod's Lent Child
"I'll lend you for a little time
A child of Mine." He said.
"For you to love the while she lives
And mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven year
Or twenty-two or three
But will you, till I call her back
Take care of her for Me?
She'll bring his charms to gladden you
And should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
As solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay
Since all from Earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want the child to learn.
I've looked this wide world over
In my search for teacher's true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you;
Now will you give him all your love,
Nor think the labour vain
Nor hate Me when I come to call
And take him back again?
I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, They will be done,
For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
For the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness,
We'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
Forever grateful stay.
But should the angels call for her
Much sooner than we planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes
And try to understand."
You don't know me, but I am absolutely inspired by your strength and your connection to baby Anaya.
ReplyDelete<3 Keep loving - you and your daughters and your husband are making the world beautiful <3
ReplyDeletethinking of and praying for you and your sweet anaya.
ReplyDeletexo
Continue to open up and allow the answers of the world to come to you. You cannot force a tough decision in times of hardships. You must continue to believe. Your loss is heartbreaking, it has inspired so many of us, but your heart is not broken. You are still gifted, passionate, and loving. Your story will continue to inspire others...
ReplyDeleteI send all my love to you!
ReplyDeleteGod bless you and strengthen your heart and spirit during such a difficult time. Please don't feel guilty about anything you have done...that is an evil trick we so easily get sucked into. It's easy to do, I know, but you are obviously a wonderful, loving, strong mother and were everything you could have been for Anaya. God bless you! Your strength and honesty is a strong witness.
ReplyDelete- Jonathan
Camara, Brent & Solara: stay strong. I know this is a tough time, but know that you have each other...and so many other people to rely on. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteOh, Camara. There aren't words - well, there are so many loving and wise ones on this page already - but to express the love, sympathy and prayers, words are just not adequate, so I am sending love, healing and prayers on the wind.
ReplyDeleteBeing with your grief, whatever shape and texture it takes, is absolutely right. And however your grief expresses itself is right for you. Let it flow through you and let yourself be loved, supported and held through it. We're all holding the space.
You will know what to do when the time comes: One hour, one minute, one breath at a time.
Much love,
Irim
I am really sorry for your loss. I send you all my love and you will be in my prayers. Just remember that Anaya is now a beautiful angel that is taking care of all of you.
ReplyDeleteLots of love.
Cova
You're so amazingly strong :) Thank you for sharing your wonderful journey with Anaya, it feels like though it's just started :D I also believe there are huge changes to come. You're so lucky to have Anaya guiding you, if we were all so connected with the universe maybe this world wouldn't be in the state that it's in. Anyways much love to your family and "you don't know me but.." your family has touched our family very deeply.
ReplyDeleteIt is clear from your beautiful words how much you adored your sweet Anaya. Clearly, she has touched more people in her short life than many will in a lifetime. There is such beauty in that! May God wrap His arms around you so that you can feel His peace.
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are in my thoughts and prayers for peace of heart and mind and strength for your body and soul.
ReplyDeleteI want to tell you how sad and sorry I am for you in this loss of Anaya. I know she will forever remain in your hearts. At this point, there are no right or wrong decisions, just decisions that will bring you the most comfort and peace. I am sending you my prayers and love at this difficult time.
ReplyDeleteLu
Thoughts and prayers go with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteCamara : Shalom , My Condolences For Anaya*s Passing Away ... She Is With God ... God Is Love ... Ecclesiastes C. 12 Vs. 7 ...!!! My Dad Passed Away 10 - 29 - 2011 ... !!! ... My Prayers That Angels Watch Over You And Your Loved Ones ... Glory To God Through Christ ... Bless All The People That Posted ... Amen Shalom ...!!!
ReplyDeleteSending you so much love. I hope you can continue to find moments of comfort and that the support around you can help see you through this difficult time. May you be blessed with strength and peace.
ReplyDeleteAnaya is a truly beautiful little girl, and I know that she is a beauitful angel. Please don't ever forget how many are here remembering Anaya and supporting you.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you. Seriously. Though I cannot imagine your state, I can tell the resolve and profundity of your mind and heart. That you said your connection to Anaya has not ended, but only changed is absolutely beautiful. And honest. And true. There's no end to the beauty in that truth. I'll be thinking of y'all and praying for you.
ReplyDelete