I fell asleep imagining holding her against my chest, using my pillow as something to hold in my arms. I remembered her weight pressing on my ribs and I inhaled the smell of her. I surrounded myself with the love I have always felt when cuddling my little love and allowed my thoughts to drift off into space. Her hair, her cheeks, her eyes that could see, her beautiful heavenly smile. I fell into the swirling moments, mixtures of memories and imaginings. Soon I was lost in my dreams.
I was in the children's hospital in our bed at ICU. I was holding Anaya, and she was dying, but her heart was beating so strong and fast against my chest that I couldn't help but think of a hummingbird. Suddenly the heart monitor flat lined it's high pitched noise and I knew she was gone. I closed my eyes and the beeping of the monitors and the bustle of doctors and nurses were diminished. Be still my heart. I'm coming with you. Suddenly I was falling at an incredible speed and my mind went blank.
I was seeing stars. Not stars like you can see at night. At night you can only see a few million. I could see millions and gazillions of stars, some further away than others. They came in many colors. Red, blue, yellow and white just to name a few. I found myself sitting cross legged on a clouded glass surface. Next to me sat Anaya. She smiled at me. I heard her voice reciting the card that I got her last year for Valentines day.
How do you spell love? Piglet asked Pooh.
I don't need to spell it. Pooh said. I just feel it.
I turned to sweep her into my arms but stopped just before touching her. Her shape was changing. She appeared older than before. She was growing, aging before my eyes. Her hair flowed loosely around her shoulders and her face was thinner, longer. She passed through childhood and became a young woman with blushed cheeks, breasts creasing the front of her white dress. She continued to mature passing through decades rather quickly. Around her eyes were feathers of wrinkles. Long hair shone gray and white. Her hazel eyes looked into mine and she smiled. I could feel her unconditional love, sense her eternal soul and I suddenly felt very, very, young.
Welcome. Her mind-voice was melodic and sweet, yet firm and mature. Awed, and in shock, I responded.
"Namaste" (I see the god-soul within you). She chuckled.
Namaste Mother.
There was a flash of blue and the white gown she was wearing erupted in a fountain of fabric, flying off into the starry infinity. Remaining in the center of a ring of cloth was my Anaya. She stood looking at her little chubby fingers. I remained where I was, amazed at the display. Amazed at her beauty. In the light of the stars her skin was radiant. I could see her incredibly long eyelashes blinking as she focused on her hand. She raised her eyes and looked at me and broke out in a grin. She rushed towards me and I took her into my arms.
Mama! She said with satisfaction.
"Anaya!" You are amazing!" I exclaimed.
I am all of me. She said. You are all of you, too. Here, in this place. It is a place of all that was and all that ever will be.
"Where are we?" I asked, shifting her to sitting on my hip.
Akasha.
I blinked. "Akasha? I've never heard of it. Are we on a different world?" She felt real enough. Her dress was rough against my arms, her eyes sparkled. She reached up and took hold of my face in her hands. They were soft and warm. Suddenly I understood. I understood why sometimes I have dreams of things that happen, I understood why some people can see into the future, and some into the past, and some to different places. Akasha is the place where there is no time. The space between spaces and the consciousness that gives birth to thoughts. The complex and chaotic organization of probability and superposition.
"Where is God?" I asked.
Oh Mama. She pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows, opening her eyes brightly. She looked incredulous and I burst out laughing.
God is here. Standing with us. She whispered into my ear.
Chastened, I peered around. I saw nothing but a gazillion stars, the glass platform, Anaya and myself.
"I don't see anyone." I whispered back.
She pouted and squirmed to get down out of my arms. Setting her down lightly on the polished surface I noticed that her footsteps did not make any sound. She walked towards the edge of our floating platform. Each step she took she got larger and older, becoming again my elder. She raised a firm adult hand and beckoned me to join her.
Look there. Don't forget. She pointed. I turned my gaze on a cloud forming out of the stars. Each speckle of light took up a spot and formed an organized unit of space. It was a window of sorts. The outside shone electric blue and the inside led to a raining grey sky. Through the blue window I could see a name etched on the wet stone.
There was a clap of thunder and I awoke.
I sat up, dazed. I woke up Brent, telling him I dreamt of Anaya again. He "mmhmmmd" and went back to sleep. I closed my eyes, trying to remember my dream and every detail from start to finish to put down in writing. Who the heck is Sara Alberta? or is it Sara in Alberta? Is it a woman or a baby? Is it now or in the future? There are too many questions.
I got out my computer and searched "Akasha."
"Akasha is the fifth element, spirit. It is the basis and essence of all things in the material world; the first material element created from the astral world, Akasha is that which gives space and makes room for the existence of all extended substances. The word Akasha as an adjective, through the use of the term "Akashic records" or "Akashic library", referring to an ethereal compendium of all knowledge and history. The akashic records have in instances been referred to as the mind of God."
First, I love you. Second, your baby isn't really gone. My friend Emma K. a mom activist in Canada shared your link with me. I was immediately touched and my heart broke. I write for Mothering and decided to share Baby Anaya with Mothering Magazine's website.
Writing this blog was the hardest thing I've written in my career because of the depth of emotion it touched within me. I cried the whole time. I wasn't sad, it's hard to explain, I was moved.
http://mothering.com/all-
And yes, sad.
I'm not particularly religious but I am spiritual and try to stay sensitive.
As I wrote, I felt your dear baby, mama. I felt her at my right, watching. She was my editor. I felt the need to send this to you before sharing it on my page. Do you have any edits or additions?
Anaya is so funny. She's a spark, isn't she? As I was writing about The Anaya Initiative, I was going to call it an "idea" and she was pretty insistent about calling it an "organization"- something with more structure, something with legs. Not just an idea. A force, something big.
The quote the end, isn't my doing. Finding the quote took more time than the entire article because your baby doesn't feel as if I take direction very well (she's right). I kept searching and searching for the right quote, kept googling and she was being so patient, like "C'mon now." I could feel the spirit of the quote but couldn't find the words. Until Winnie the Poo! I saw piglet and poo in my mind from behind, holding hands walking side by side the way you too are and will.
Nothing can break the bond between mother and child. It was not created on this earth. It is eternal and real. You are bound together by the same love that rises the sun every day. Let the ache pour out of you- keep expressing it. She's here, mama. She's here. She's so here it's ridiculous. She's like the project manager in her insistence for The Anaya Initiative to move forward. It's a miracle.
I love you.
Bunmi"
Now what really struck me about the article she wrote (other than I didn't take that picture!) was the quote at the end that she says Anaya insisted was the one she had to put there.
"“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.”
-Winnie the Pooh
I was in the children's hospital in our bed at ICU. I was holding Anaya, and she was dying, but her heart was beating so strong and fast against my chest that I couldn't help but think of a hummingbird. Suddenly the heart monitor flat lined it's high pitched noise and I knew she was gone. I closed my eyes and the beeping of the monitors and the bustle of doctors and nurses were diminished. Be still my heart. I'm coming with you. Suddenly I was falling at an incredible speed and my mind went blank.
I was seeing stars. Not stars like you can see at night. At night you can only see a few million. I could see millions and gazillions of stars, some further away than others. They came in many colors. Red, blue, yellow and white just to name a few. I found myself sitting cross legged on a clouded glass surface. Next to me sat Anaya. She smiled at me. I heard her voice reciting the card that I got her last year for Valentines day.
How do you spell love? Piglet asked Pooh.
I don't need to spell it. Pooh said. I just feel it.
I turned to sweep her into my arms but stopped just before touching her. Her shape was changing. She appeared older than before. She was growing, aging before my eyes. Her hair flowed loosely around her shoulders and her face was thinner, longer. She passed through childhood and became a young woman with blushed cheeks, breasts creasing the front of her white dress. She continued to mature passing through decades rather quickly. Around her eyes were feathers of wrinkles. Long hair shone gray and white. Her hazel eyes looked into mine and she smiled. I could feel her unconditional love, sense her eternal soul and I suddenly felt very, very, young.
Welcome. Her mind-voice was melodic and sweet, yet firm and mature. Awed, and in shock, I responded.
"Namaste" (I see the god-soul within you). She chuckled.
Namaste Mother.
There was a flash of blue and the white gown she was wearing erupted in a fountain of fabric, flying off into the starry infinity. Remaining in the center of a ring of cloth was my Anaya. She stood looking at her little chubby fingers. I remained where I was, amazed at the display. Amazed at her beauty. In the light of the stars her skin was radiant. I could see her incredibly long eyelashes blinking as she focused on her hand. She raised her eyes and looked at me and broke out in a grin. She rushed towards me and I took her into my arms.
Mama! She said with satisfaction.
"Anaya!" You are amazing!" I exclaimed.
I am all of me. She said. You are all of you, too. Here, in this place. It is a place of all that was and all that ever will be.
"Where are we?" I asked, shifting her to sitting on my hip.
Akasha.
I blinked. "Akasha? I've never heard of it. Are we on a different world?" She felt real enough. Her dress was rough against my arms, her eyes sparkled. She reached up and took hold of my face in her hands. They were soft and warm. Suddenly I understood. I understood why sometimes I have dreams of things that happen, I understood why some people can see into the future, and some into the past, and some to different places. Akasha is the place where there is no time. The space between spaces and the consciousness that gives birth to thoughts. The complex and chaotic organization of probability and superposition.
"Where is God?" I asked.
Oh Mama. She pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows, opening her eyes brightly. She looked incredulous and I burst out laughing.
God is here. Standing with us. She whispered into my ear.
Chastened, I peered around. I saw nothing but a gazillion stars, the glass platform, Anaya and myself.
"I don't see anyone." I whispered back.
She pouted and squirmed to get down out of my arms. Setting her down lightly on the polished surface I noticed that her footsteps did not make any sound. She walked towards the edge of our floating platform. Each step she took she got larger and older, becoming again my elder. She raised a firm adult hand and beckoned me to join her.
Look there. Don't forget. She pointed. I turned my gaze on a cloud forming out of the stars. Each speckle of light took up a spot and formed an organized unit of space. It was a window of sorts. The outside shone electric blue and the inside led to a raining grey sky. Through the blue window I could see a name etched on the wet stone.
Sara, Alberta.
There was a clap of thunder and I awoke.
I sat up, dazed. I woke up Brent, telling him I dreamt of Anaya again. He "mmhmmmd" and went back to sleep. I closed my eyes, trying to remember my dream and every detail from start to finish to put down in writing. Who the heck is Sara Alberta? or is it Sara in Alberta? Is it a woman or a baby? Is it now or in the future? There are too many questions.
I got out my computer and searched "Akasha."
"Akasha is the fifth element, spirit. It is the basis and essence of all things in the material world; the first material element created from the astral world, Akasha is that which gives space and makes room for the existence of all extended substances. The word Akasha as an adjective, through the use of the term "Akashic records" or "Akashic library", referring to an ethereal compendium of all knowledge and history. The akashic records have in instances been referred to as the mind of God." The mind of God.
I tossed and turned the rest of the night. Unable to sleep with the visions revolving in my memory. I don't know what this has to do with me, but Sara Alberta - you are on the mind of God. Maybe I'll get an email from you and I won't have to go out and find you. Now wouldn't that be something.
I got out of bed and headed for the fridge. I needed something sweet and amazing. I reached in and grabbed it. A Beard Papas cream puff. Heavenly I thought as I crunched through the chocolate shell into the pastry and custard beneath. I remembered the time that Brent gave Anaya some of the custard on her tongue. I smiled.
Getting again onto my computer I noticed an entry from a woman named Bunmi. This is what it said.
"Dear mama,
First, I love you. Second, your baby isn't really gone. My friend Emma K. a mom activist in Canada shared your link with me. I was immediately touched and my heart broke. I write for Mothering and decided to share Baby Anaya with Mothering Magazine's website.
Writing this blog was the hardest thing I've written in my career because of the depth of emotion it touched within me. I cried the whole time. I wasn't sad, it's hard to explain, I was moved.
http://mothering.com/all-
And yes, sad.
I'm not particularly religious but I am spiritual and try to stay sensitive.
As I wrote, I felt your dear baby, mama. I felt her at my right, watching. She was my editor. I felt the need to send this to you before sharing it on my page. Do you have any edits or additions?
Anaya is so funny. She's a spark, isn't she? As I was writing about The Anaya Initiative, I was going to call it an "idea" and she was pretty insistent about calling it an "organization"- something with more structure, something with legs. Not just an idea. A force, something big.
The quote the end, isn't my doing. Finding the quote took more time than the entire article because your baby doesn't feel as if I take direction very well (she's right). I kept searching and searching for the right quote, kept googling and she was being so patient, like "C'mon now." I could feel the spirit of the quote but couldn't find the words. Until Winnie the Poo! I saw piglet and poo in my mind from behind, holding hands walking side by side the way you too are and will.
Nothing can break the bond between mother and child. It was not created on this earth. It is eternal and real. You are bound together by the same love that rises the sun every day. Let the ache pour out of you- keep expressing it. She's here, mama. She's here. She's so here it's ridiculous. She's like the project manager in her insistence for The Anaya Initiative to move forward. It's a miracle.
I love you.
Bunmi"
Now what really struck me about the article she wrote (other than I didn't take that picture!) was the quote at the end that she says Anaya insisted was the one she had to put there.
"“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you.”
-Winnie the Pooh
It appears Anaya is linking her spiritual appearance to Bunmi with my dream - using Winnie the Pooh quotes. Only her and I could know what that meant to me.
I think I'm supposed to start a new blog, a blog of my new lessons with Anaya. I feel detached from the memorial planning happening around me. I know that she's not gone. She's just not in her body anymore. We've got to start planning how to get out there. How to tell the mamas. How to save the Krabbe Babies.
UPDATE:
Immediately after writing this I was contacted by a woman named Shannon. At the moments of my sitting and writing she had filmed a rainbow that she could see from her car. Playing on her car stereo in the background is a song from the Winnie the Pooh Movie. These are the lyrics. I will post the video to you tube:
So Long Lyrics
It's not complicated,
Or very hard to grasp,
But every time I see you I laugh.
I wont get too sappy,
I've had no epiphany,
I just enjoy your company.
You test my nerves it makes me stronger,
So can you bother me a little bit longer?
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend.
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend like you.
Well I could dot the Is,
And you could cross the Ts,
‘Cause letters alone are lonely.
Well I could be the blossom,
And you could be the bee,
And then I could call you honey.
You test my nerves, it makes me stronger,
So can you bother me a little bit longer?
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend like you
Some like to be
Alone independent and on their own
All alone I guess they're free,
but not me,
not me.
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend.
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend like you.
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend like you,
Yes it's been so long since I've made a friend like you,
Yes it’s been so long since I've made a friend like you,
Yes it’s been so long since I've made a friend like you.
Immediately after writing this I was contacted by a woman named Shannon. At the moments of my sitting and writing she had filmed a rainbow that she could see from her car. Playing on her car stereo in the background is a song from the Winnie the Pooh Movie. These are the lyrics. I will post the video to you tube:
So Long Lyrics
It's not complicated,
Or very hard to grasp,
But every time I see you I laugh.
I wont get too sappy,
I've had no epiphany,
I just enjoy your company.
You test my nerves it makes me stronger,
So can you bother me a little bit longer?
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend.
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend like you.
Well I could dot the Is,
And you could cross the Ts,
‘Cause letters alone are lonely.
Well I could be the blossom,
And you could be the bee,
And then I could call you honey.
You test my nerves, it makes me stronger,
So can you bother me a little bit longer?
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend like you
Some like to be
Alone independent and on their own
All alone I guess they're free,
but not me,
not me.
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend.
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end,
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend like you.
Hate to say goodbye, goodbye
And I Hate to see the end, the end
‘Cause it's been so long since I've made a friend like you,
Yes it's been so long since I've made a friend like you,
Yes it’s been so long since I've made a friend like you,
Yes it’s been so long since I've made a friend like you.
What a beautiful dream, and what a beautiful soul she is. It has always struck me, since first reading about Anaya, that rainbows are associated with her. I had a dream once where I was in the future. In this future there were many people who were lost and had no hope. A Rainbow would come down from above and fill me with light and I would know what to say to those people to help them find their purpose. Something about the energy of the rainbow was just pure Love, so overwhelming and beautiful, just like your little girl. How amazing that she is like that Rainbow now, so much love and inspiration. Touching people all over the world.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful Camara...you and Anaya have inspired so many with your continued journey. The strength you have in you will let you continue and become the force for change in this world. I'd expect no less from a woman who has brought tens of thousands of parents and individuals around the world together...
ReplyDeleteYour writing is very beautiful and deep. As a reader anyone can feel what you feel/see. It hurts me as a mother knowing all you want is to hold your child and feel her again. I am happy to see she visits you in your dreams though and look forward to her next visit and your blog about it. Stay strong Mama and continue spreading Anaya's Initiative. You are doing a wonderful job and she has touched so many people and opened many hearts.
ReplyDeleteI have never met you and I was never blessed with meeting Anaya, but in this last week I have dreamt of you two, three times.
ReplyDeleteThe first was the day she passed, I fell asleep on the couch and I had a dream of her handing me a large leaf, I went online to see she had passed and saw a picture of Solara holding her and a leaf identical to the one in my dream(I can't find the picture again I was going to comment on it). My two oldest kids had been out with their uncle and when they returned they brought a large leaf in and said look what I found, it is bizarre because we live in a new development and there aren't any trees mature enough to have leaves that size on them so I am unsure where they found it.
The second time was after seeing your first blog about seeing her in your dreams and I dreamt that you were talking, it was a commercial being broadcast for everyone to see you were saying "Save the babies, tell the mamas" and then I saw a big rainbow and the words The Anaya Initiative, I felt complete happiness as if everyone now knew.
The last dream was last night, I don't remember exactly what it was about but I remember you and I woke up with the words "Save the babies, tell the mamas" in my head.
I am a afirm believer that this means you will succeed in spreading the word about the importance of newborn screening. You and Anaya are a force that is stronger than any other. Her life has taught so many, and your strength and love will save so many more.
Thank you for sharing your angel with us!
Strangely, I have had this Winnie the Pooh quote in my mind all day and just remembered this evening, as I was thinking about Anaya, that I must have it printed and framed for my children's rooms!!! Although, I only knew the middle part by memory! My GOD this story is absolutely incredible and i think i have to spend some time digesting it! love to you, Camara! You are an unbelievable woman and so connected to your baby, it doesn't surprise me at all that you hear and see her in another space.
ReplyDeleteI never felt this type of love before - I know that sounds silly! BUT that palpable feeling of numerous hearts beating as one! The love I have for my children is without question! BUT the love I had and have for Anaya and all of you has become palpable - like a hug! When we were ALL sending prayers, crying, loving, smiling together there was something there, it joined EVERYONE of us together and it had a feel to it like beating hearts! It had a smell to it - that BEAUTIFUL baby/puppy smell that only mothers know! It felt smooth and soft like a baby's skin or eyelash kisses! It sounded like a baby's uncontrollable laughter - about their puppy jumping for bubbles! And now with ALL of the clues ALL of the pieces of the puzzle, it is TRULY magical and amazing! I fear that people will think it is only dreams of someone that is desperate! It is NOT about that, it is about GETTING the message! We have ALL received that message loud & clear! It will stay with us forever! I LOVE how you described your dream - I was there, seeing ALL of the beauty (you wrote it SO eloquently)! When you figure out or she comes to you, Sarah Alberta will be welcomed by friends! I can NOT wait for her to come to light!<3 Keep a pen and booklet next to your bed - so you can write as soon as you wake! <3
ReplyDeleteWOW!!!! So so so amazing, thank you for sharing Camara :) xoxoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteWow! Incredible and powerful. None of this is coincidence. I believe Camara. I believe that Anaya is still here, and she is purposeful in her intention to help save babies. I am awed that your absolute, unconditional love of her (and her of you) is now being translated into the love and guidance that is needed to continue on your (and her) important journey.
ReplyDeleteCamara- This is a beautiful, powerful moving time in your life. You have reached THOUSANDS of people by sharing your life, Anaya's life. I am moved to tears within seconds of seeing her little face-I feel an incredible connectedness to you, to her. Her beautiful little soul is directing you..and empowering others.
ReplyDeleteI am in the interior of BC-and I would love to bring you here to speak...when you are ready. You are forever welcome in my home, and always in my heart.
Namaste~
Ky
I went into labor on August 26, 2009. My daughter was born the next day. The bond I have with her is beyond words. You are so strong and so brave mama. she was in your life because you have so much love to give. so much love. she's with you now and forever, and your bond will never be broken. Anaya has touched our hearts. She has shown us what's real and what's important. Stay strong. We are here to support you. Much love.
ReplyDeleteI went into labor on August 26, 2009. My daughter was born the next day. The bond that I have with her is beyond words. You are so strong and so brave mama. You gave her so much love. Anaya is pure love and pure light. You will forever be bonded with her. Stay strong. Anaya has given us new meaning to life. What's important and what's real. She woke me up. She will always have a place in our hearts. We are here for you. To support you. Much love.
ReplyDeleteHi Camara
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that she had contacted via Twitter in regards to the photos of Anaya and I had asked that she contact you to get the okay to use them too <3
I have been having very vivid dreams lately, I woke up this morning to search Sara Alberta as it was the setting where my dream took place... I looked around the site I've linked. Had no idea why I was there. Then I read your article...
ReplyDeleteThis was the primary and most relevant result when searching the term "Sara Alberta" through Google search.
Sara Alberta
http://saralink.ca/
Southern Alberta Repeater Association
Amateur Radio
Maybe your voice needs to be heard?
There are also a variety of maps locations that pop up, maybe something speaks to you?
http://maps.google.ca/maps?q=sara+alberta&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=BrDPTuONCefn0QHK9Mz_Dw&sa=X&oi=mode_link&ct=mode&cd=3&ved=0CA0Q_AUoAg
There is also a Lake Sara in Alberta
http://travelingluck.com/North%20America/Canada/Alberta/_6048661_Lake%20Sara.html#local_map