Rainbow Day

Yesterday was rainbow day.  Why? You may ask.  Because Anaya crossed over the rainbow bridge, became one with everything and is with God and the Angels.

Three days before I had my very first dream of her dying.  The very first one.  I was so confused in my dream because I couldn't figure out when it had happened or why I couldn't remember it.  The next morning I met a woman who had just lost her baby girl Payton a few weeks before.  I spent a whole day with her.  This wasn't coincidence.  This was the universe and God preparing me for what was coming.  I can see it now, perfectly orchestrated.  God sent me my dream to make my fears real and God sent Cortney to assure me that I could live through it when the time came.

I held my little love for hours while she was on life support.  I kissed her face, her fingers, her toes, her lips.  I wiped her tears from her eyes.  I couldn't stand forcing her to stay.  I wanted to set her free. The hardest part was waiting for everyone to get there.  When the family was united we made the decision unanamoisly.  We removed her bi pap mask.

She was so relieved she gave one of her "Thank you" sighs.  We each took turns holding her.  The mask came off at 12 noon.  We gave her a bath - her favorite thing!  Her sister read her a book.  I played with her hair.  Daddy played with her toes.  As her breathing became more laboured we knew the time was drawing near.  I lay down on the bed and placed her in her favorite spot over my heart.  There became long pauses in her breathing.  Then she would gasp a huge awful breath and let it out in a long sigh.

I love you mama
I did my best mama


I told her how proud I was of her.  How many lives she touched.  How many babies she is saving.  How many parents love their children even more  because of her. I told her she needed to go.  To stop fighting and allow herself to be carried away by the light. I told her I was sorry I didn't get her to the sunshine.  I opened my heart as wide as I could and envisioned the sunshine of my soul enveloping her and keeping her warm.  She took her last deep breath and let out the most beautiful baby sigh I ever heard.  There was no pain in it. It was the sound of freedom, relief, joy.  It was the sound of my baby crossing the rainbow bridge.  Her heart stopped and she was gone.

We were all huddled in the hospital bed, holding her beautiful body.  Kissing her soft skin for the last time.  Touching her hair, her cheeks.  I kissed and kissed and cried.  All the strength that had infused me during the two hours of the death struggle left me and I collapsed into my agony.  The tears poured down my face and I sobbed.  I gently cut a braid of her hair that I will always keep to remember her strength, her bravery and her incredible softness.

Oh my baby.  Oh my baby.  I'm going to miss you...

Please give me the strength to carry on and do what I have to do.

Dear Readers:
We are planning on online memorial service that will be streamed and it will also be re-playable so you won't have to worry about missing it.  It will be wednesday or thursday and there's a crew of people working on it and I don't have the exact details yet but I'll be sure to let you know.  I do know that the theme is **Celebration! LOVE! Rainbows and Dancing**  I want people all over the world to wave their rainbows high and shout their love to the sky.  I want there to be dancing I want there to be joy.  Anaya MADE IT!  She graduated with honors!  She did a great job.  Let's show her how proud we are of her!

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, love, prayers and messages.  Anaya is very well loved.  I am humbled to have been able to share her lessons with you.  She was my teacher.  I was only her messenger.