Musings

I stood in the lake today, waist deep, my hands caressing the surface of the water.  I watched the sun glinting diamond refractions in the ripples of the water as the sun dipped slowly towards the mountain.  I had no thoughts.  Just a peaceful, quiet, feeling.  A "just be" kind of feeling where everything is all right and for that one moment everything is perfect.

It reminded me of my time with Anaya.  Living in the present.  Loving the moment.  Not allowing the bad thoughts to take over...just to be...
so I thought I'd write her this note.

Dear Anaya,
We think of you and hold you in our hearts every day.  When I see a rainbow I think of you.  Today I saw a little girl your age wearing a rainbow sun-dress.  She was adorable.  I smiled and thought of you.  I also think of you when I see butterflies.  Your sister had a lemonade stand today and was talking to people about you... and then a big yellow butterfly came soaring by my face and landed on the flowers beside me.  I looked at it and said "Hi, sweet pea."  I don't think I've called anyone a sweet pea since the last time I saw you.  The words felt so strange on my lips.  I don't know where they came from...they just leapt out.  Maybe it really was you...part of your spirit.

Sometimes I miss you so much that just the memory of you hurts.  I know it sounds silly but I don't sit in my memories enough.  I've never even gone back and re-read my blog.  I'm too scared to feel the depth of how much I miss you, how hurt I am... how I failed in so many ways.  I didn't have regrets before...and I don't have regrets now...just things I would do differently.  Looking back leaves me feeling breathless and causes heart ache that I fear will never go away.

I just want to kiss you...to rub my face against your perfect peachy cheeks.  Kiss your little rose bud lips.  Kiss your fingers and toes.  Kiss your eyelids.  I want to sing you songs and read you stories and take you to the beach to put your feet in the sand.

I know that you had to go, and that we kept you here beyond your time.  I know that it couldn't have been different... but my heart doesn't understand.  My heart still beats in time with yours.

I wish you were still coming to me in my dreams.  Every night I have horrible nightmares and I am glad that you aren't in them.... but i'd rather have good dreams of you...than the violence I'm experiencing.  I even saw children burning alive in my dream the other night and I tried everything to save them...but couldn't get past the flames. You really don't want to hear about it.  Sometimes I feel so tired in the morning after my bad dreams that I feel like I could sleep all day and not get out of bed.



Solara is being goofy and I like listening to her giggle.  God I wish I could laugh and giggle like that again...

Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling on little love.  I miss you.  The words I miss you don't do the feeling justice.  It's like somebody turned the "joy" switch off.  I miss your father too.  Lately I wish I could be with him every minute of every day.  I love him, I love your sister, I love the dogs... I love too much and sometimes I feel too much too intensely.  The doctor says it's part of my Post Traumatic Stress disorder...but I don't know how to fix it.  I've been this way since childhood.  Feeling too much.  Being too intense, giving all of myself, being impulsive, reckless and passionate. Fighting anxiety and loneliness.  The horrible feeling of being different that everyone else.
I'm really tired now baby girl and I think I'm going to go to bed.  I hope and pray to see you tonight - but I have my doubts.  I love you always and forever.

Mama

A brighter hope in a dark time

I figured that it is time for a deeper update.  You may have been wondering how myself, Solara and Brent are doing.

When Anaya died at the BC Children's in Vancouver we were pretty much homeless.  The motor home that we were using to take Anaya south had died in Oregon and all of our stuff was in storage.  We were at a cross roads.  What do we do?  Where do we go?  We were uncertain and decided to stay in Vancouver, get jobs, and try to make a difference in the lives of others.

I started working at FundRazr (an online fundraising company) and on the side I helped to form Anaya's Angels Society.  A non-profit to help children and their families deal with Krabbe Leukodsytrophy.  I immersed myself in work.  I would go to work, and then come home and work more.  I had a strong sense of duty and a driving desire to help others.  I was feeling alright.  Weired that someone who just lost a baby can feel alright.

Several times I was called upon to go help other children with Krabbe.  I went to Italy in February to help Ginevra's family and Mexico in March and June to help Gabriel and Sam's families.  Each trip was fund raised and paid for by my giving friends and their friends who wanted to help.  It was amazing to be able to hold these beautiful children, and help them.  To be able to teach their parents how to comfort them and control the symptoms that are so similar to Anaya's.  The suctioning, the positioning, the oxygen....chest therapy...all the same.

I'm not certain what happened but when I returned from my last trip to help Sam in Mexico I was devastated.  He was so incredibly sick.  He was suffering badly and he needed much more than I could give him.  Suddenly I felt my grief for Anaya more than I ever had before.  I collapsed in tears, sobbing for hours alone.  My heart felt like an empty hole of agony.  The world seemed dark and lonely and terrifying.  I started having anxiety attacks.  I couldn't focus at work, my relationship with Brent seemed far away and everything in my life felt overwhelming and awful.

I started writing about my childhood trauma because I was having nightmares about it and I thought maybe it would be a good idea to write about it to try to get it out.  That was going well until my family got upset about me telling everyone about it.  I stopped writing.  The world felt even darker.  I felt even more alone.  No matter what I did I felt either numb or in pain.  Even when I try to logically tell myself that it is just grief....I feel alone and in pain that is beyond sadness.  I started having dreams about accidents where I would die - and in my dream I would be happy because I knew that I would be okay and I would be with Anaya and God.  

Each day I became worse.  My panic attacks were coming more and more often - leaving me breathless and wild-eyed, with my heart feeling like it was going to beat out of my chest and I couldn't breathe.  Brent started working nights and I was home alone often.

I don't have many close friends where we live right now.  All of the people I know are either in Nelson or Calgary.  I do "know" people in the lower mainland - but they don't call me to talk, or come over to visit and I feel awkward and imposing in their presence.  I feel so incredibly alone and the world seems pointless.  Living seemed pointless.

I got to the point where I was in a very very depressed state.  I realized that I needed help to overcome these feelings - to be strong for my family - to get to the point where I could again help others.  I decided to take a few days off work to go home to Nelson and see the "family" of friends and neighbors who loved us and helped us when Anaya was alive.  Every one of them was glad to see me.  Every one of them cared and wanted to see more of us.  I spent time with my close friends and for the first time in months I was happy and at peace.  I babysat my friends daughter (who is the same age as Anaya would be) and instead of feeling pain and sadness I felt joy and appreciated her beauty.  Another time I sat with my friend Amanda and looked over the lake and told stories of when I was pregnant and sitting on the same beach the day before I gave birth.  We laughed.  I stayed at my friend Dave's house for many nights in his guest room, and I always felt welcome and safe.  It was almost like a dream.  

I decided I wanted to move back to Nelson and started trying to think of a way to make it a reality.  I picked up Solara in Kamloops (her godfather Grant gave her a ride from Calgary) and we spent a few days in the okanagon on our way back to Vancouver.  But knowing I was heading back to Vancouver kindled my anxiety and depression and Brent and I started fighting.  I felt hopeless and lost, even in Solara's presence.  I couldn't feel fun or happiness.  I felt like a zombie, like a dead rotting corpse that somehow wasn't a corpse at all.

I was supposed to return to work when we got back, but I couldn't.  I was still feeling awful, beyond awful.  I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe.  Worried about finances, stressed over decisions I had made in the past and unable to focus on any specific tast except to worry.

I went to see a doctor, talked to a counsellor and asked for help with my anxiety and grief.  They said they weren't surprised that I'm like this.  They said they are surprised that I was functioning at all for the past eight months.  They recommended that I take some time off work to heal, and that with the trauma from my childhood - that it may take a while.  So now I'm on medical leave.  Seeing a counsellor every few days and spending time with Solara.

Then something amazing happened.  Our old landlord in Nelson called me and asked us if we'd like to move back into the house in September.  I started crying.  I'd like that more than anything in the world.  To be home with my friends that are my family, to be there...it would mean everything to me.  I told Solara and she was ecstatic.  She started begging me  "Please! Please! Please!  I want to be in Nelson!  Please!"

So Brent and I talked it over and decided that we are going home.  Somehow we will make it work.  Solara has started selling lemonade and rainbow bracelets to help cover the moving costs, and Brent has started looking for work in Nelson.  I feel hope on the horizon.  I will work on firmly establishing Anaya's Angels as soon as we get settled back at home.

The long light of spring

The light that sparkles over the lake from the brightly setting spring sun filters its soft fingers through the trees.  The ground already dims, leaving the grass a darker green.  Floating lazily on the wind fluffy tufts of white pass like snowflakes falling sideways in a warm cloudless sky.

The flying ones, I know not which, spiral dizzily around each other.  Exoskeletons and wings dancing to music unheard by human ears.  At times it seems to speed and slow – bodies coming close together and twisting away.  The long light of the impending sunset sets their spirits ablaze with a fury of life and they fairly glow golden.  I long to know the movements of the dance, and the knowledge behind it.  I see the beauty so clearly – the purpose, the life.

Looking beyond the swarm across the lawn I can see the glinting crystalline peaks of the small waves on the lake – sunlight scattered on its surface like a million faceted diamonds  of priceless value.  To the right a tree begins to bud out its leaves and the yellow light of sunset sets them a brilliant hue of fluorescent green.  I hear a child laugh.  It echoes through the moment and reverberates in my head.

A child playing at the park.  

I close my eyes and open them again, wishing I could reach out and wrap my arms around Anaya.  Alas, she is too massive for me to enfold with my body.  But not with my spirit or my mind.  I stretch all of my senses out.  My eyes caress the beauty, my ears carefully open to the laughter,  birds, the wind, the tinkling sound of water dripping.  Even the whir of the dancing bugs.  The fading sunlight I can feel on my skin and as I breathe in the clean air and taste my own health.  

She is here.

My heart warms with her presence as the realization flows into me.  She’s definitely here.  A love I’ve only known to be hers bursts forth wihin my heart and I allow myself to lose myself in it – gently gazing through the yard and beyond – to the trees, the lake and the setting sun.

Oh Anaya.  My little love.  How you’ve grown.

Miss Anaya

I know that it's been a long time since I've written. Even longer since I've really written something worth reading. Something worth my salt, as it were. I could go on and give you a detailed history of the last few months, but that's not the heart of it. The details are in the moments and the moment is now.

I see her everywhere. I mean that I see her in my imagination. Like when I look at the bathtub. I experience my memories of singing to her in the bath. Holding her while she would float, her head pushing back into my hands, her feet pressed against the end of the tub. When I lay in bed and I cannot sleep I can feel the weight of her head on my chest, where she used to lay.

In the sunlit beauty of a rainbow I see the millions of colors of her beautiful soul and I know she is free. Most of the time my love for her overcomes my grief. But not always.
I was completely in love with her. The love that parents have for their babies. The love that makes you count the fingers and toes multiple times. But it was beyond that. She was more than just a baby. More than my beautiful daughter. She was an angel on earth and when I say she was my greatest teacher I mean it. Completely.

Healing Anaya began as a cause. We wanted to Heal Anaya. We wanted to cure her from her disease, prove the doctors wrong, work miracles. I prayed to every God, screamed for help from the stars, and we tried everything. It was when everything "failed" that I began to learn my lesson.

Anaya was meant to live her life just the way she was. Her purpose for this life was to influence myself, our family and those who came into contact with her. Her essence was pure innocent love. Her body became very weak. She experienced suffering. Struggling to breathe must be one of the worst things that a being can feel. Being in a body without having control - to do something as simple as breathe or swallow - oh my heart hurts from the pain of imagining it and remembering her going through it.

I know that we did the right thing in letting her go when she could no longer breathe on her own. She deserved the freedom, the ability to transform her energy into something new. To rise and expand and be with God, unencumbered by the beautiful fragile shell that was her body.

I would have done a few things differently. I do not live in regret - but I've had a lot of time to thing and there are some things I would do different if there ever was a next time.

I would ask someone to help me thank every single soul who ever helped us. I would make it a priority to let them know how much it meant - and how much it helped.

I would have had my grandparents motorhome inspected before agreeing to take it - and I would not rely on anyone's word who was not an unbiased third party.

I would have flown Brent, Solara, Anaya and Myself south for the winter to spend our final days together in the sun - but I thought this wasn't an option. I thought it was selfish to spend donations that way and impossible to take all of Anaya's equipment etc without a vehicle. We wanted to help others. We wanted to spread the word about newborn screening and about saving beautiful children like Anaya. -

We didn't get very far but I know we had a huge influence on the people we met along the way.

What else would I do differently? I would have taken more videos.

I would not have alienated two of the most important women in my life, that I loved. Anaya's nurses. Difference of opinion happens and I was too hurt and too stubborn to see the other side. But I love them. Joanne and Carol - I love you both.

Those are the only things I would have done differently and there's no point in dwelling on them because they are things that I cannot change. All I can do now is help others - because it makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I am giving back. Paying it forward. I know that my time on earth is short. I know that one day death will come for me and I am ready for it when it happens.- But it's not now!

Anaya taught me to live by putting one foot in front of the other. To go on when there is nothing in sight to go on to. She taught me what faith is, and what it means to be human. Since I've begun living moment to moment things have opened up in the most incredible way. I meet genuinely good people everywhere. I meet people - real deep souls, every day. I know now that we can create our lives to be what we want them to be if we believe that we can. If we have faith and take action and be willing to go too far- just to see how far we can go.

Sure, I didn't live my life with Anaya the way that other people think I should have. But they aren't me, and they didn't live life with Anaya. Let me tell you that I am glad that I had her. I am grateful forever for the experience of being with her just the way she was. It changed me profoundly. I will never be the same.

I see her everywhere. Everywhere. In everything. Sometimes when I am looking into Brent's eyes and I remember her and "see" her in my mind I cannot stop the tears from falling. The sobs from wrenching my heart apart. I sometimes scream in my grief, the same way that I scream in my joy. (What can I say - I'm one of those loud people)

My emotions have always been extreme, since I was a child and my parents divorced and my world came crashing down with the hatred between my two favorite people. My mother and father. But now my emotions are different. I know myself now. I am not as easily caught up in self-pity or doubt. My self esteem has improved and I'm more in love with the world and less attached to it.

Any moment could be my last. That's why I do so much with my life now. Everything is sweeter, more beautiful, more ephemeral. Life is more fun, love is much deeper and challenges are less impossible.

When it's my time I'm going to meet Anaya and I'm going to pick her sweet little self up and spin her around and listen to her giggle. Then I'm going to hear the words "I love you Mama. You did good Mama." and I will smile and say "So did you, Miss Anaya."

A message for grieving parents

I went to help Anaya's buddy Gabriel in Mexico

Last weekend I went to Monterrey, Nuevo Leon, Mexico to help a sick little boy named Gabriel. He has Krabbe Leukodystrophy. His condition is progressing and his mother asked me if I had any suggestions. It is very hard to teach someone from afar. So I decided I would go there to help. I was there for 2.5 days and It was amazing.

Gabriel's parent's are Mayte and ARmando. Pronounced (Mai-tay). They told me that my visit changed their lives for the better. Gabriel even misses me. I miss him too. Anyways, here is a compilation video of my trip - but most of the really intense training went unrecorded- because I had to type and gesture the whole time - which is not conducive to filming.

In the Space that Belongs to you

Angel and Anaya

In the space that belongs to you I have placed your soft blankets.
I put my love there
and my tears.

In the space that belongs to you I have hung rainbows.
I place my kisses there
and sweet "I love you's"

In the space that belongs to you your puppy plays.
Her softness there
and wet kisses.

In the space that belongs to you I have seen rainbow sunsets.
I see your beauty there
and my own.

In the space that belongs to you I am safe and comforted.
I feel your love there
and I am whole.

In the space that belongs to you there are no walls.
Children play and the sun shines
seeing the joy that is your soul.

The space that belongs to you isn't a place.
It's a love and a memory- the smiles and tears on my face.

I see you everywhere Anaya, and I know that it's true.
You've always loved me, as much as I loved you.

Love and Happiness

Love. How do you explain love to someone who's never experienced it? What is love?

It is an opening. A deep understanding of the root of life, on a subconcious level. It is beauty. Beauty like that which you have never seen with your eyes nor heard with your ears. It is a connection, a knowingness. It is seeing yourself reflected in another, and knowing your own inner beauty. It is a strength. A strength that wells up in the core of your being. A mighty power of will that cannot be defeated. It is vulnerability, but not weakness. It is courage and freedom, and innocence. It is Fierceness and joy. The leap of faith that takes the Eagle off the mountaintop into the sky soaring amongst the clouds into the twilight of the sun.

It is acceptance. It is joy. It is sadness. It is what makes life worth living. It is something that can never be taken from you. It is what I feel inside.

Happiness is not a place you can be travel to. It is not something that can be bought. Or sold. It is a spiritual experience attained through living each moment with love, grace and gratitude.

Anaya, I love you. Thank you for teaching me to live my life with Love. And for teaching patience. And compassion. Because of your teaching I often walk the path of happiness, even when I miss you.

Posting

If you would like to read about my work in Italy with little Krabbe Baby Ginevra and her family please visit my new blog at

www.camaraloves.blogspot.com 

Camara: Love in Action - Italy 1 - YouTube

Today I got into the office and started by checking my Facebook.

My first message was from a couple in Italy. Their daughter, Ginevra, has Krabbe Leukodystrophy. She is such a beautiful baby girl. They said that she was having trouble breathing and they asked me if I had any advice for them. They told me that their doctors have never seen a baby with Krabbe. I had already told them what I could from afar...so I asked if they wanted me to come there and help them. They said yes. I booked a flight immediately and decided I would worry about paying for it later. I'm hoping that my friends and other caring people will pitch in. The round trip is only $1100. We've already raised $350.

So now I'm sitting at the gate waiting for my plane. I've never left the continent before and I'm really excited.

I'm even more excited to hold baby Ginevra in my arms and give her the sweetest kiss. Krabbe Babies are like nothing else. Super soft angelic beauties.

Camara: Love in Action - Italy 1 - YouTube

Camara Love in Action 1 - YouTube

Today I made my first video blog.

Camara Love in Action 1 - YouTube

Stillness

It's been a while since I've written I know.  I apologize.  It's just that I don't know how to convey what I am feeling without making everyone else sad.  Here goes.

There are moments of stillness in the night when I lay awake and cannot sleep.  My heightened awareness of Anaya always had me sleeping lightly.  I used to fall asleep to the sound of her soft little breaths.  Sometimes gurgley breaths.  But noise all the same.  Now the room is so still without those sounds that I have to get up, go to the bathroom, and go back to bed - just so that I don't lay there observing the silence and getting depressed.  I take my rainbow frog that is approximately the size of a toddler, and I hold it to my chest with Anaya's prayer / love blanket.  I imagine I am holding her, and the feeling of the stuffy is comforting.  I fall asleep again.

I never knew how incredibly tired I was until fairly recently when it seems like my body decided it was time to cash-in on the sleep I owed it.  I have literally slept for 18 hours straight three days this week.  We're starting to sell off the things we had for Anaya that we have no use for right now and that aren't sentimental, but valuable and can help us pay the bills.  For instance the breast milk deep freeze that we bought brand new one year ago.  Her new car seat - (Britax super supportive baby-big kid), Etc.

It feels like a little bit of my heart peels away every time something of Anaya's goes out the door. I know it's just stuff.  It's the memories associated with the stuff that I don't want to lose.

On the home front: I have never ever cared less about the appearance of my home.  I know it used to be important to me but right now I have a huge stack of receipts/bills/papers/stuff on my desk, on my dresser etc.  I cleaned the shower today and it was epic.  I didn't do the rest of the bathroom.  Just the shower.  The rest wasn't dirty enough.  I don't know if I'm lazy or crazy or what.  I just know that housework does not inspire me at all.  I haven't even finished unpacking.  I'm afraid to go through those boxes.  I never have guests.  In Nelson people would just drop by.  Here most of my friends work and then spend time with their families at night. I miss having company.  Maybe then I'd be inspired to finish unpacking and keep my home it a straighter state of affairs.  Don't get me wrong.  My home isn't disgusting or anything.  It's just that I'm a Virgo and I'm usually quite anal retentive about keeping things neat and tidy.  It's really out of character for me to have not cleaned the whole bathroom at once...

The thing I find most inspirational right now is my work.  I really love working for FundRazr.  The people are great.  I'm not just saying that.  My boss is a really decent human being, who wants to change the world for the better.  I find joy in helping others.  In the past 2 weeks I feel as though I have made a significant impact on people's lives.  I feel great knowing that I helped these people in their time of need.  I will continue to do so.  (But keep in mind I'm human and I rest on weekends and at night most of the time)

The last few days I've been really sick and tired.  I decided that maybe a cleanse would help break me from my lethargy and exhaustion.  I'm now on day 3 of the Master Cleanse.  Yesterday I had a horrible headache.  I'm feeling much better now and in the morning when I head into the office I hope I will still feel alright.  I know that if I continue on with the cleanse for at least a few more days it will have an amazing impact on my health, and my spirits.

Brent has been working on his illustrations.  Solara is having trouble with math, but is loving having her friends to play with at home. And Angel is an attention fiend who always wants to be cuddled up to something.  I'm not sure why her breath is so bad but it's as nasty as mine is (cleanse breath).  I think it might have something to do with her food containing fish.  She has fishy breath.  Ugh.  My friend Penny told my that Golden Retrievers just smell bad - but that can't be right!  She is unwittingly drawn to sparkles and when the crystal that hangs in the window spins rainbows around the room in the sun, she FREAKS out and starts running back and forth barking.  When I type on my computer she sits and watches the reflection on the wall, occasionally attacking it.

I'm heading to bed now.  I know this update wasn't spectacular - it's just the surface.  

All is not Lost

As I was coming out of Waterfront Station there was a single car in the parking lot.  Across the front it said "All is Not Lost".  It was for a data recovery service.  It was also a message from Anaya.

Mostly I fear to tell you about my moments of despair.  I think because those moments scare me.  I don't want to be trapped in despair and depression and I work hard to keep myself out of it.  Sadness is different.  Sadness is alright and when I feel sad, I feel sad.  I let it out.  I cry.  The other day I screamed and bawled into my pillow with sadness for more than an hour.  It needed to come out.  Then there are moments of despair that can creep in when I am really tired and stressed.  Moments when I wonder what the point of being alive is.  Moments where I can't feel love and don't feel loved.  I think everyone has a wide range of emotions, myself more so.  I am rather extreme sometimes.  Either I'm really good or really sad.  I try to find a balance and lately have been having more "Ok" times.  I find the more I help others the better I feel.

Today I was on the train and I was sitting by the door.  A young man (so cute-looked like Clark from Smallville) got on the train with crutches.  I offered him my seat and sat down beside him.  He smiled at me.  I asked him what happened.  He got out his dictionary and explained to me in a very french dialect, using broken English, that he had sprained his ankle.  I encouraged his efforts to speak English and then switched to Spanish - where we had a bit more common ground.

Just then the police boarded the train and asked to see every one's tickets.  I turned to Benjamin (blue eyed french boy) and he looked puzzled.  I pulled out my ticket and showed him and said he needed to get his out. He searched through his wallet and found it. The cop came over, looked at Benjamin's ticket and said "You didn't scratch your Zone.  I'm going to give you a $170 ticket."  Well I could tell that Benjamin did not understand what was being said, and I was certain that he didn't know about scratching zones.  I spoke to the officer.
"I don't think he understands you.  He doesn't speak English well.  Do you speak French?"
"No, but my partner does." He waved his female partner over.  She spoke gently and kindly to Benjamin and scratched off his zone and explained it to him.  They got off the train.

Benjamin said "What was the man meaning?"  I told him he was going to get a $170 ticket.  His eyes opened wide and he said "Really?".  I smiled and nodded.  He thanked me.  We chatted a bit about how he is here to learn English.  Then it was his stop and he hopped away on his crutches.  He dissapeered into the crowd and I smiled as the train moved on.

Then I got off the train and there in the parking lot was my sign.

"All is not lost"

Here's to another day of helping people, another day of being the rainbow in the lives of people willing to look up and see me.  The way I look and see her.  Everywhere.

The Rock in the Storm

                                 
I have discovered something about myself. It's an incredible strength. I find it is now a natural part of me.  It is an ability to deal with trauma.  My own, and others.  An ability to stay calm, not panic, and take action.  When my grandfather was dying in September - I helped the paramedics by providing suction and maintaining the airway.  When Anaya was having respiratory arrest - I was giving critical information to the trauma team, suctioning her throat, venting her G tube, helping the nurse find the correct spot to take her blood pressure.  I held her head in position so that they could insert the breathing tube down her throat into her lungs.  I gave oral summaries to the trauma team, the pediatric ambulance crew and our ICU nurses.  I held the flashlight for the paramedic in the plane as we flew through the rain in the night.  I did it all again when we arrived at the BC Childrens.

Then I was the one who took the mask off.  I maintained her comfort, ordered the morphine and removed all the tubes and wires.  Then I gave her every ounce of love and energy that I could.  It flowed out of me like a river and supported her soul in it's crossing.  It was not a time of grieving it was a time of support.  She needed my strength, and I had it.  It was inside me.  It was a rock in the storm.  Unmovable, stable.  Yet my hard had not hardened, my soul had not withered.  I was not the only one there, yet I was so focused that they seemed to fade from my reality.  The love swirled around the room like a rainbow tempest and then she was gone.

The body I held in my arms was not Anaya.  It was only the body that she had inhabited.  I loved her body too.  I kissed her sweet cheeks, her fingers, her toes. I stroked her hair.  Then I set her down gently on the bed and left the room and never went back in.

What a precious blessing to have learned this strength in my lifetime.  What an incredible gift I can share with others.  I noticed I can still do it.  I can still manage trauma like a rock in a storm - with a wide open heart and a clear soul.

The day before yesterday I got a message asking for help.

"House Fire, children and husband dead - mother alone and in shock -Fundraising starting to help her."

I began researching and I found newspaper articles with dead links that informed people to head to a non-existant Facebook Page. I immediately took action, connecting with the administrators who had begun assembling a group of support.  I started a Facebook Page that would match the media attention, migrated the existing users and started an online FundRazr to make it easier for people accross the country to donate while there was still immediate interest.

I combined my skills with dealing with trauma and fundraising with social media  - all the while my heart burned with the fire of her loss.

 I can see it all so clearly in my mind as if I was her.  Running down the street towards the flames and smoke screaming for my children.  Being held back from throwing myself into the burning wreckage to try to save them.  The heat from the blaze is scorching, the air thick with smoke. Struggling to breathe I continue screaming and weeping with terror and grief.

Then the fire is out.  The smoke clears.  And they are all gone and I am alone, surrounded by people, but completely alone.  I have nothing. No clothes, no toothbrush, even my favorite pillow is gone.  My partner, my heart, my babies. My babies. Blinking, I feel the world caving in on me and I breathe staggered breaths. My chest aches as though there is a black hole in my heart and it feels like it will kill me.

That is how I imagine it.  Deep and traumatic and raw.  I can feel it.  I know that one of the human body's survival mechanisms is shock.  I know that right now she will be in shock.  She may be unable to focus, feel anything, or even grieve.  The whole world is alien and everything is messed up and confusing.  I know that it will be that way for a while.

That is why she needed my help.  Why she needs OUR help.  We, who are in a state of strength, have the ability to reach out and make a difference in someone's time of need.

I am Camara.  I am strong and I can help make a difference in people's lives - with a wide open heart and a soul filled with rainbows.  You can make a difference too.  Share this link and give this woman a moment of your own strength.  If you know someone who needs my help - send them to me.  I have the strength.

Give

Yup. A dog and a slide.

Here she comes, bounding across the room at a run. I'm standing near the couch. Her tail is wagging so hard that she's having trouble running with her back feet and she trips over herself, doing a face plant into the floor. Unphased she lurches to her feet and wedges her golden body between my knees. She likes having her legs and back scratched in this position, but begins circling around so that she can go through the "back scratcher" again and again. I'm leaning over as her tail disappears and suddenly I've got a face full of puppy tongue.


Her breath is usually okay. Puppy breath. Even though she's almost full grown now. She's the same size as Buddha. She used to be smaller than Anaya. Now she's almost too heavy for me to lift. She's still as sweet as ever. She loves affection. She is an absolute affection hound. I remember how she used to snuggle up to Anaya.  I remember how sweet it was to see them together.  Best buds.  Snuggle buddies.  Lately at night she's been sleeping at the end of Solara's bed, cuddled up at her feet. In the morning when I wake up to visit the bathroom I have to carefully leap over the spot outside my door that creaks - otherwise it will wake Angel up and she get so excited to see everyone that she wakes everyone in the house up.

I know I was really down over Christmas, but I'm starting to feel better already. Yesterday after writing my blog post I was still really lethargic and down. I couldn't seem to get out of my slump. I basically laid around, sad, mopey and down for hours. I felt like a lump on a log. I needed to get out of the house and get some exercise and have some fun. I needed to find something to do.

I got out my computer and began searching for family activities in our community. I found the Eileen Daily pool and the picture looked pretty awesome. They have a waterslide, a lane pool, a leisure pool, hot tube, sauna and steam room. They've also got an exercises room. We decided that we would get our butts in gear and get out of the house. We searched for our swimsuits in boxes yet unpacked, grabbed some towels and headed out the door.

The pool took only ten minutes to get to, we must have been lucky with the traffic. When we arrived Solara saw the slide coming out through the building and she said "Whoa!! Look at that HUGE slide!" That was when I started to feel a bit of excitement too. We paid and I was surprised to note that it was cheaper to go to this pool than the one in Nelson. It was about $3 each. Solara led us to the famiy changing room (which we've always used because it takes an army to get Anaya in and out of her wet suit), and that was when it hit me. Anaya wasn't with us. She wouldn't get to float in the water, or zoom around on a floaty with daddy. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind and focused on the feeling of the cold, wet, slightly yucky changeroom floor. I detest changeroom floors at pools. It seems impossible to find a clean dry spot to dry your feet off before putting socks on....ugh...

So I pull on my swimsuit, everyone shoves their stuff in our locker and we head out to the pool itself. It's a neat place. Solara tugged at my arm, indicating that she wanted to go into the big pool. Upon entering the water I noticed that it was nice and warm. We swam and chased each other, floating around on giant turtles and butterflies. I missed Anaya and thought of what it would be like to have her with us, floating around. I rolled over onto my back and looked up at the ceiling. A plethora of rainbows surrounded us. There were all sorts of kites hanging from the rafters and not plain kites, either. There were dragons, mermaids, flying fish, airplanes, windsurfers and more. Anaya was there with us after all. My gaze turned towards a shiny glint in the corner of my eye, and stuck in the air exhaust vent I saw a balloon. It was the same rainbow tye-dye balloon that I got Anaya for her birthday last August. I smiled.

All in all things were going much better. We did laps going up the stairs to the waterslide, sliding down, and going back up. Now that is a fun workout. I could do that all day. We played "diving whales" in the dive tank. I made quite the splash.

When we got home we were happy and tired. We all slept soundly and awoke this morning in a good mood. I'm so glad that I'm feeling better. Being depressed us such an awful feeling.  I'm glad I made the decision to get out and try to do something fun.

Moss and Moonbeams

Christmas eve came. It was raining. I sat with my coffee on the couch, having awakened feeling tired and meloncholy. I gazed out the living room window. The rain was falling consistantly from the sky. It's a coastal winter rain. The kind that has no beginning and no end, it just seems to arrive when you don't notice, and it can go on for days. There is no thunder with it's arrival, no torrential outpouring of noise, it simply is. The mist seems to fall in upon itself, creating water droplets which fall from the sky.

The moss on the tree outside the window was loving it. In a world of gray rainy gloom, the brightest, cheeriest organism outside was definately the moss. It grows like a thick flourescent green carpet coating the old tree. The tree dropped it's leaves in the fall. Without leaves it seems to be a sleeping tree-being surrounded by a living blanket. The moss grows up the trunk, and spreads out onto the arms and limbs of the tree. It is so wet and vibrant and green.

The raindrops are falling from the sky rather quickly, but not large drops, almost a mist too heavy to stay alight on the wind. The tree is a sponge of wetness, and from it's mossy arms larger drops fall slowly. The coalescing of each droplet seems a moment outside of time, compared to the fast falling of the rain. The eye can not see both at once. You must either be watching the rain, or seeing the droplets falling from the tree.

It suits my grief. I am the tree. The rain falls quickly around me, my tears fall slowly. I am outside of normal time. The sadness engulfs me, and my aching heart beats slowly in time with the tear drops falling from the moss.

I sat there for quite a while watching the tree out the window, feeling it's presence and allowing myself to relate my emotions to what I was seeing. After a while I felt like returning to bed. I remembered the day in 1995 that my mother died on. I remember how my life changed that Christmas eve. Everything changed. My whole world shifted. This year my world has shifted again. My little love is not here to hold and cuddle for Christmas. I know that she's alright, it is simply my yearning for her physical presence that causes me grief. Simple to understand. Not simple to get out of.

Christmas day came. Solara opened her presents. Brent and I didn't get each other much. Money is tight. Anaya's final medical bills sit in a pile on my desk. Somewhere around $50K... we are submitting them to BC medical services plan to see if they will cover some of it. I have to fill out pages and pages of papers and I've been dreading it because the amount of the debt frightens me. I have not yet earned a cent from my job - and although I am working hard at it and I have faith that it will pay off in the end, I'm not sure exactly when I'll be able to pay the bills.

I'm not finding joy in anything. I don't want to play, I don't want to cook. I have no happy thoughts. I am engulfed in a cloud. I've been trying to find my happy thoughts. I've been trying to focus on the positive. It just seems like a horrendous chore right now. I know that eventually I will feel better. It might be today, might be tommorow. It might be a few days from now, but eventually this melancholy will go away.

I had a talk with Solara last night. I explained to her what I'm feeling and how I need to be allowed to be sad when I feel sad. She understood and we connected on a soul level. It is good to be with her. I love her. She's such a creative little being. I did my best to make Christmas special for her - even though I wasn't feeling it.

Sometimes the rain in my heart just arrives and drips from my eyes. It is a coastal winter rain. There is no thunder with it's arrival, no torrential outpouring of noise, it simply is.

Anaya's love is like a moon beam on a cloudy rainy night. I know it's there but I can't see it.

Krabbe Disease / Krabbe Leukodystrophy Treatment

Understanding Krabbe Disease and Gene Therapy Stem Cell Treatment
Written by Sarah Turner, M.D.


Krabbe’s Disease is a disease that affects the storage in cells – our cells are like little factories that make things….proteins, hormones, transmitters, etc. What they make is all decided by their DNA, and the messages that are encoded. After the cells make things, they package them off and ship them out, or occasionally store them for later use. There is also a part of the cell that is responsible for ‘cleaning up.’ One of the things that cells make are enzymes, which are little proteins that can ‘neutralize’ cell waste and dispose of it. The problem with Krabbe’s is that the enzymes needed (galactocerebrocidase) to destroy one type of waste, is encoded on a part of the DNA that’s mis-written, so they never get made. This waste (from the myelin), builds up in the storage part of the factory, until they just overflow all over the place, and then poison the cell. If that cell (the factory) is cell component of myelin, then the myelin cells die. Myelin is like the plastic sheath around an electrical cord…it insulates the components and keep it safe, and it allows fast and efficient current. Myelin insulates our nerves – they control everything in the body, from your 5 senses, your ability to move, touch and feel, your ability to swallow, digest, and to make your heart beat and your lungs breath. Babies born with Krabbe’s develop normally, because their storage isn’t full yet, so their cells are all functioning well. Once the waste builds up to a point, cells will start dying, and the accumulated waste just builds up, causing more toxins. This inevitably makes the network of nerves be so unprotected, that the currents don’t flow, and the functions are lost. Children who had already started to develop will begin to lose these functions, and it’s often not caught until the disease has already caused enough damage to affect major functions.

To date, Krabbe’s is always fatal, and so far the only treatment has been to use stem cells (precursor cells – see below), but this only slows the pace of the disease, it doesn’t cure it. Added to this, stem cells can’t be just found easily; everyone’s cells are different, and your body has a surveillance team (the immune system) who keeps watch over the body for when there’s trouble. When you get a cut, sprain, bruise, broken bone, stomach flu, cold, parasite, tumor….anything that is not a perfectly functioning system, and your immune system is involved. Since it’s looking for things that don’t belong, it will recognize cells that aren’t made on site (like ANY type of donor cells, for any type of donation), and it can often fight against these cells, and you can have rejection (even of blood). People getting donations of any sort are kept at an ‘immunosuppressed state’ which means before getting a transplant/transfer of donated tissue/cells, someone needs to take meds or get radiation to weaken their immune system. This weakening of the surveillance system lets these donor cells slip in and get working without getting recognized. The flip side to all this is that sometimes the donated cells will decide to attack the body they’ve been put in, and this can cause a reverse rejection. Everyone has a set of proteins that it uses to put a ‘self-identity tag’ on their cells. These proteins are combinations from a pool of proteins, so when looking for donors, you want to have cells that have as many of the same ‘identity proteins’ as possible. This is what we’re looking for when we’re looking for a ‘match.’ Needless to say, transplants of tissue and cells is not something to be taken lightly – it can be lifesaving, but it can also make the situation worse.

When people talk about Stem Cells, they are talking about precursor cells – cells all start out like a blank slate that can be assigned to become any of a number of types of cells. We use stem cells when we need to make more of a type of cell, or more of a cell that makes something that we need. We can program these cells into being of a specific type, making a specific protein we need….it’s pretty cool really. There’s lots of controversy in using stem cells, but they don’t just come from where everyone assumes they’re coming from; they are in umbilical cord blood too. We can save this blood to be used for stem cell research and treatment.

So this new approach is called ‘Gene Therapy.’ It all starts with viruses – when looking at infections, the causative agents are usually bacteria, viruses, fungus or parasite. Bacteria are little cells that aren’t always bad; we have a ton of bacteria that just inhabit our body and actually help with things (ie. digestion). Some of them are total little hoodlems, and run around the body just messing with your stuff. They get into cells and mess up the messaging, some cells eat them and some blow them up. It’s like spy games all over the body, with your immune system running around trying get these guys out, and there’s gunplay, and innocent victims….not always all that pleasant. Viruses are totally different – they are like droids or robots. They don’t have a mind of their own so much as they are on a mission and they are programmed to spread their message, so to speak. Viral vectors (the one for this study is from the lentivirus family/species) are what are used in Gene Therapy; they are like little robot bug looking things (actually kinda like the lunar lander), who come and land on a cell, stick their butts through the cell’s outer layer, and they just crap in their message (DNA, RNA), and some strong-arm workers (enzymes and proteins), and they hijack your cells. They come in, go to the manager (the nucleus), demand to see the blueprint code (DNA), and they put some of their own code into it. This is so the cell can use the cell factory to make things that the virus needs (ie, other viruses), and then eventually the cell will die when the viruses all break out (or hide out for a later break out.) This is why lots of viruses are associated with cancers (not a lot…don’t freak out or anything) – viruses mess with your DNA, and often it messes with the on and off switch, and this can cause cancer.

So enter gene therapy – if we can program a virus with the DNA of things that we WANT the cell to make, we can put that virus in the person, and the virus will spread the DNA around the body. I’m not familiar with these studies, but I know that they use this with Cystic Fibrosis and it’s been successful, but it’s not permanent – you need treatments every few months or years or something. Anyways, Gene Therapy doesn’t require immunosuppression, it’s not going to cause an attack on the body, and you don’t need to worry about finding any sort of a match. Essentially it’s way safer than just bone marrow transplants, and it has more promise for results. The hope is to encode a lentiviral vector with the code for galactocerebrocidase (the missing/defunct code), have it incorporated into the cell’s DNA, and then BAM – cells are making galactocerebrocidase. It also sounds like the idea is to use stem cells that have been injected with the virus, so that you’re making sure you have lots of healthy cells making this enzyme.

So far, this has been tested in similar diseases that have problems in the same area as Krabbe’s (these are called leukodystropy – it means badly formed white/myelin, and they are all missing enzymes that causes problem with the myelin in some ways). This method is being used on people who have these diseases, and are showing to be successful so far. The reason it hasn’t worked in Krabbe’s yet, is because they had these stem cells implanted with the gene, so they started making the enzyme, and replicating, and they found that the original stem cell that was injected, got sick and died from the enzyme being made, but this didn’t happen in the replications of those cells (the daughter cells). So with this new research, they figured out a way for the code to say that the original stem cells were only to replicate; they found these little proteins (micro-RNAs) that could turn off the “factory” function of the parent cell only, and not of the daughter cells. These little proteins only last so long in the daughter cells, and so they eventually become inactive, and the cells will regain their factory function, and the ability to make the enzyme that the body needs. They have done some preliminary testing on animals that have shown very promising, really improving the quality of life and survival time in Krabbe’s. They have to do some formal animal studies before the treatment can be allowed to be tested on humans, and they estimate that it should be about 2 more years before they will have gotten through all the research they need for the treatment, and can start with human trials. Gene therapy with stem cells has been used in many other genetic diseases, and has proven to be more safe and effective than current methods.

A cure on the horizon...

I translated this from italian so the english is not perfect.

NEW STRATEGY OF GENE THERAPY FOR KRABBE'S DISEASE

Devised a new strategy of gene therapy to Krabbe disease, a severe genetic disorder that affects the nervous system: thanks to gene therapy with hematopoietic stem cells by an international team of researchers led by Luigi Naldini at the San Raffaele-Telethon Institute for Gene Therapy (HSR-TIGET) of Milan has succeeded for the first time to treat the disease in the animal model. The important result is shown in the pages of Science Translational Medicine *, the new magazine published by the prestigious international scientific journal dedicated to translational research, ie, strongly marked by the transfer 'from the laboratory bench to bedside'.

As explained by Alessandra Biffi, co-director of the study with Luigi Naldini, "Krabbe disease, also called cell leukodystrophy globoidi, is a lysosomal storage disease that strikes in childhood and has a course of rapidly progressive and always fatal. The disease is hereditary and is due to defects in the gene for galattocerebrosidasi (Galco), enzymes responsible for the disposal of some components of myelin, the insulating covering of nerves essential for the conduction of impulses in the central and peripheral nervous system. If the enzyme is defective, minus the natural turnover of these substances, which accumulate in the lysosomes as well (usually appointed facilities for waste disposal cell) and become toxic to myelin. The result is a progressive arrest of psychomotor development of affected children, who also lost motor skills and cognitive skills already acquired. "

Unfortunately to date there is no therapy capable of preventing or halting the progression of the disease, nor seek to restore lost functions. In some cases, can slow the progression of the disease by performing a transplant of hematopoietic stem cells (stem cells of all the elements of the blood) from a healthy donor before the onset of symptoms (ie within the first 4 months of life). Not always, however, is a compatible donor, also this type of transplant carries the risk of rejection by the body to the donor stem cells. Biffi continues: "Our experience in other similar diseases has shown that it can make treatment more effective and less risky genetically corrected hematopoietic stem cells of the patient. To do that you take advantage of specific viral vectors (lentiviral called) that will produce in the patient's cells than normal production of therapeutic gene (Galco in this case), in the absence of risks to the incompatibility between donor and transplant recipient. "

This approach, based on the possibility of using mature blood cells - derived hematopoietic stem cell transplantation - as a vehicle to transport the enzyme functioning in the nervous system affection, has already been successfully applied by researchers to model HSR pre-TIGET Preclinical other lysosomal storage diseases and is currently the subject of an ongoing clinical trial in patients with metachromatic leukodystrophy. So far, however, was not possible to apply it to Krabbe disease because, as explained by Naldini, "we came across an unexpected toxicity of the enzyme for Galco blood stem cells, something that did not occur in their differentiated progeny. We then devised a new strategy to regulate the expression of the therapeutic gene, which must be inserted in the stem cells to ensure its long-term maintenance, and transmit to all their offspring, but there has to express its product. For this we served of microRNAs, small regulatory elements of the expression of other genes. Each micro-RNA can "turn off" the expression of a battery of other genes that recognizes through a sort of 'bar code' imprinted on their message. "

Thanks to a new method developed by them to view the activity of miRNAs in single living cells, researchers have tried TIGET HSR-what were selectively expressed in the rare stem cells from bone marrow and not in their offspring during of differentiation. They found for the first time of microRNAs specific to hematopoietic stem cells and put the bar code recognized by one of these miRNAs in a lentiviral vector for gene therapy of Krabbe disease, which in this way is sensitive to silencing by microRNA. "Even if the vector is inserted into stem cells, the therapeutic gene can be expressed only in their mature progeny, after the microRNA has died" explains Naldini (see also figure below). "The transplantation of genetically corrected cells in animal model of Krabbe's disease, which presents a very human-like," has significantly improved the conditions of life and survival of treated animals. In particular, this therapy approach gene was more beneficial than the traditional transplanting healthy donor. In addition, our strategy is promising not only for the treatment of Krabbe disease, we intend to move to a clinical trial on patients as soon as we finished the other preclinical studies necessary - expected in 2 years - but also because it allows for more effective and safe gene therapy based on hematopoietic stem cells in many other genetic diseases. "

Sign their work as first authors Bernhard Gentner, a German researcher and medical Visigalli Ilaria, both in training at the Hsr-TIGET and University San Raffaele, University of Toronto and other collaborators. The study was conducted with funding provided by Telethon, the European Community, Cariplo Foundation (Project Nobel), National Tay Sachs and Allied Diseases Association and the European Leukodystrophy Association (ELA).

* B. Gentner, I. Visigalli, H. Hiramatsu, E. Lechman, S. Hungarians, A. Giustacchini, G. Schira, M. Amendola, A. Quattrini, S. Martin, A. Orlacchio, JE Dick, A. Biffi, L. Naldini, Hematopoietic Stem Cell-Identification of Specific Gene Therapy of miRNAs Enables Globoid Leukodystrophy. Sci Transl. Med 2, 58ra84 (2010).

Give

Wow. Is it Christmas yet?

I apologize for not writing more often lately. Guests arrived on Saturday, I started working in the FundRazr office on Monday, I've had to work on Christmas gifts and cards - not to mention house cleaning etc!

Underneath all of it I have not forgotten what my priorities are.

Help Anaya Save Babies. Love (and spend time with) my family, pay the bills. (In no specific order).

Working with FundRazr is very exciting to me. I get to be creative, share my ideas, use my brain and help people! I hope that soon it will begin to pay off and I will make a decent living. I have faith that this is what I'm meant to do - the money will come. Part of why I find it so exciting is because I will be able to network with a large audience to make newborn screening and Krabbe Leukodystrophy more public.

Today at work I made a tutorial about how to use the FundRazr app. Check it out if you are interested. Feel free to leave feedback. I wish I was a better graphic artist. I think the pictures in the tutorial could have been better.

How to Fundraise Online: Starting with the FundRazr App!: Today I am going to take you on a walk-through of how to start a successful FundRazr Campaign.

I miss Anaya all the time. Especially at bed time. I must be the only 30 year old woman I know who sleeps with a stuffy. I also sleep with Anaya's blanket. She is my first thought in the morning, and my last thought in the night. I love her with all my heart.

I don't have much Christmas Spirit this year. I'm doing my best to be festive...but I just don't feel it. In the spirit of Christmas I am going to remember to treat others the way I want to be treated, and be kind and generous.

Love you all,

Camara

Stone of Courage and Love of Life

I took this picture today as we were leaving the beach.  If you look to the right of the tree you can see Mike holding Kate.  (Carey's husband and daughter).

I'm so excited that I'm going to have to MAKE myself go to bed tonight.

Tomorrow is my first day in the office at my new job.  I've been getting lots of "signs" that things are proceeding in the right direction.  Today I was walking on the beach with my friend Carey Steacy and both of our families.  We were checking out sea shells, rocks, dead crabs etc.  We watched as our children scrabbled across the beach, exploring in wonder.  Laughing out loud, running through the sand in the twilight of a Canadian winter afternoon. Kate, Carey's daughter, toddled along through the sand, trying to run, falling several time...wandering around so full of life.  I admired her beauty and found joy in the presence of her pure little curious soul.  Solara too, was full of life, running around with her friend, anxious to show me each rock, each shell.

I proposed we have a treasure hunt to find our very own beach treasure!  I did not imagine that I would find something so fitting and so perfect to fit my needs right now.  It was destiny for sure.

I found a piece of clear(ish) bright orange Carnelian.  It is a gemstone that is not common on our beaches here in Vancouver Canada.  It's super pretty.  It looked like a piece of Orange Candy on the ground.  I thought that it looked very vibrant and decided to pick it up.  It felt slippery and cold all at once.  More slippery than glass.  Slippery like wet ice.  When we got home I looked it up and found out that it is the stone of my astrological sign (Virgo) and that it is a power and courage stone.  Here is an excerpt:

A stabilising stone, Carnelian restores vitality and motivation, and stimulates creativity.  It gives courage, promotes positive life choices, dispels apathy and motivates for success.  Carnelian is useful for overcoming abuse of any kind.  It helps in trusting yourself and your perceptions.  It overcomes negative conditioning and encourages steadfastness.  Carnelian improves analytic abilities and clarifies perception.  It sharpens concentration and dispels mental lethargy.  Protects against envy, rage and resentment.  Calms anger, banishes emotional negativity and replaces it with a love of life.  Carnelian boosts fertility and stimulates sexuality. - http://www.charmsoflight.com/carnelian-healing-properties.html

Now I don't really need boosted fertility at the moment but the rest sure fits!  

I saw so much beauty today.  Anaya was with me all day long.  It my heart, in the ocean, the sky, the sun, the clouds, the flying birds...everywhere.  She is one with everything.  My heart sings with love for her and all of creation.

Goodnight!  FundRazr office tommorow! (I get to take the train to work for the first time! EEEEE!)

Please check out my new work Facebook page and my work blog if you are interested in what I do and what I write.  I'm excited to be helping people and doing something I'm good at.  

www.facebook.com/lovefundrazr

www.lovefundrazr.blogspot.com