It's been a while since I've written I know. I apologize. It's just that I don't know how to convey what I am feeling without making everyone else sad. Here goes.
There are moments of stillness in the night when I lay awake and cannot sleep. My heightened awareness of Anaya always had me sleeping lightly. I used to fall asleep to the sound of her soft little breaths. Sometimes gurgley breaths. But noise all the same. Now the room is so still without those sounds that I have to get up, go to the bathroom, and go back to bed - just so that I don't lay there observing the silence and getting depressed. I take my rainbow frog that is approximately the size of a toddler, and I hold it to my chest with Anaya's prayer / love blanket. I imagine I am holding her, and the feeling of the stuffy is comforting. I fall asleep again.
I never knew how incredibly tired I was until fairly recently when it seems like my body decided it was time to cash-in on the sleep I owed it. I have literally slept for 18 hours straight three days this week. We're starting to sell off the things we had for Anaya that we have no use for right now and that aren't sentimental, but valuable and can help us pay the bills. For instance the breast milk deep freeze that we bought brand new one year ago. Her new car seat - (Britax super supportive baby-big kid), Etc.
It feels like a little bit of my heart peels away every time something of Anaya's goes out the door. I know it's just stuff. It's the memories associated with the stuff that I don't want to lose.
On the home front: I have never ever cared less about the appearance of my home. I know it used to be important to me but right now I have a huge stack of receipts/bills/papers/stuff on my desk, on my dresser etc. I cleaned the shower today and it was epic. I didn't do the rest of the bathroom. Just the shower. The rest wasn't dirty enough. I don't know if I'm lazy or crazy or what. I just know that housework does not inspire me at all. I haven't even finished unpacking. I'm afraid to go through those boxes. I never have guests. In Nelson people would just drop by. Here most of my friends work and then spend time with their families at night. I miss having company. Maybe then I'd be inspired to finish unpacking and keep my home it a straighter state of affairs. Don't get me wrong. My home isn't disgusting or anything. It's just that I'm a Virgo and I'm usually quite anal retentive about keeping things neat and tidy. It's really out of character for me to have not cleaned the whole bathroom at once...
The thing I find most inspirational right now is my work. I really love working for FundRazr. The people are great. I'm not just saying that. My boss is a really decent human being, who wants to change the world for the better. I find joy in helping others. In the past 2 weeks I feel as though I have made a significant impact on people's lives. I feel great knowing that I helped these people in their time of need. I will continue to do so. (But keep in mind I'm human and I rest on weekends and at night most of the time)
The last few days I've been really sick and tired. I decided that maybe a cleanse would help break me from my lethargy and exhaustion. I'm now on day 3 of the Master Cleanse. Yesterday I had a horrible headache. I'm feeling much better now and in the morning when I head into the office I hope I will still feel alright. I know that if I continue on with the cleanse for at least a few more days it will have an amazing impact on my health, and my spirits.
Brent has been working on his illustrations. Solara is having trouble with math, but is loving having her friends to play with at home. And Angel is an attention fiend who always wants to be cuddled up to something. I'm not sure why her breath is so bad but it's as nasty as mine is (cleanse breath). I think it might have something to do with her food containing fish. She has fishy breath. Ugh. My friend Penny told my that Golden Retrievers just smell bad - but that can't be right! She is unwittingly drawn to sparkles and when the crystal that hangs in the window spins rainbows around the room in the sun, she FREAKS out and starts running back and forth barking. When I type on my computer she sits and watches the reflection on the wall, occasionally attacking it.
I'm heading to bed now. I know this update wasn't spectacular - it's just the surface.
There are moments of stillness in the night when I lay awake and cannot sleep. My heightened awareness of Anaya always had me sleeping lightly. I used to fall asleep to the sound of her soft little breaths. Sometimes gurgley breaths. But noise all the same. Now the room is so still without those sounds that I have to get up, go to the bathroom, and go back to bed - just so that I don't lay there observing the silence and getting depressed. I take my rainbow frog that is approximately the size of a toddler, and I hold it to my chest with Anaya's prayer / love blanket. I imagine I am holding her, and the feeling of the stuffy is comforting. I fall asleep again.
I never knew how incredibly tired I was until fairly recently when it seems like my body decided it was time to cash-in on the sleep I owed it. I have literally slept for 18 hours straight three days this week. We're starting to sell off the things we had for Anaya that we have no use for right now and that aren't sentimental, but valuable and can help us pay the bills. For instance the breast milk deep freeze that we bought brand new one year ago. Her new car seat - (Britax super supportive baby-big kid), Etc.
It feels like a little bit of my heart peels away every time something of Anaya's goes out the door. I know it's just stuff. It's the memories associated with the stuff that I don't want to lose.
On the home front: I have never ever cared less about the appearance of my home. I know it used to be important to me but right now I have a huge stack of receipts/bills/papers/stuff on my desk, on my dresser etc. I cleaned the shower today and it was epic. I didn't do the rest of the bathroom. Just the shower. The rest wasn't dirty enough. I don't know if I'm lazy or crazy or what. I just know that housework does not inspire me at all. I haven't even finished unpacking. I'm afraid to go through those boxes. I never have guests. In Nelson people would just drop by. Here most of my friends work and then spend time with their families at night. I miss having company. Maybe then I'd be inspired to finish unpacking and keep my home it a straighter state of affairs. Don't get me wrong. My home isn't disgusting or anything. It's just that I'm a Virgo and I'm usually quite anal retentive about keeping things neat and tidy. It's really out of character for me to have not cleaned the whole bathroom at once...
The thing I find most inspirational right now is my work. I really love working for FundRazr. The people are great. I'm not just saying that. My boss is a really decent human being, who wants to change the world for the better. I find joy in helping others. In the past 2 weeks I feel as though I have made a significant impact on people's lives. I feel great knowing that I helped these people in their time of need. I will continue to do so. (But keep in mind I'm human and I rest on weekends and at night most of the time)
The last few days I've been really sick and tired. I decided that maybe a cleanse would help break me from my lethargy and exhaustion. I'm now on day 3 of the Master Cleanse. Yesterday I had a horrible headache. I'm feeling much better now and in the morning when I head into the office I hope I will still feel alright. I know that if I continue on with the cleanse for at least a few more days it will have an amazing impact on my health, and my spirits.
Brent has been working on his illustrations. Solara is having trouble with math, but is loving having her friends to play with at home. And Angel is an attention fiend who always wants to be cuddled up to something. I'm not sure why her breath is so bad but it's as nasty as mine is (cleanse breath). I think it might have something to do with her food containing fish. She has fishy breath. Ugh. My friend Penny told my that Golden Retrievers just smell bad - but that can't be right! She is unwittingly drawn to sparkles and when the crystal that hangs in the window spins rainbows around the room in the sun, she FREAKS out and starts running back and forth barking. When I type on my computer she sits and watches the reflection on the wall, occasionally attacking it.
I'm heading to bed now. I know this update wasn't spectacular - it's just the surface.
Your strength and love is so inspirational. I think of you and Anaya often. Much love from Missouri.
ReplyDeleteTerri
Well if we lived closer..I would come for a visit! Cleaning the house can't be motivational, because it's just not a priority in your life right now! It's good that you are getting satisfaction from your job and the little things that you see beauty in!!!
ReplyDeletesending you my love. May god be with you. I know Anaya is with you in spirit and she is keeping a watchful eye on her mommy & daddy. You are one amazing person. Keep the rainbows in your heart and on display for Anaya's memory..
ReplyDeleteThis made my night. Spectacular? No, perhaps not, but normal for sure. My life is nothing like yours in the sense of what you've gone through, but in other ways, well, we all have similarities. I think it's the loneliness that makes us not clean the entire bathroom. :o) I don't know what to think sometimes.
ReplyDeleteContinue being normal. YOU are spectacular.
This made my night. Spectacular? No, perhaps not, but normal for sure. My life is nothing like yours in the sense of what you've gone through, but in other ways, well, we all have similarities. I think it's the loneliness that makes us not clean the entire bathroom. :o) I don't know what to think sometimes.
ReplyDeleteContinue being normal. YOU are spectacular.
I want to grab you and hug you till all the hurt and pain has gone, You are a tremendous person, Don't ever worry about "making people sad" this is your blog, your outlet, your words, and if people cannot understand that, then they need to no read..........You cant hide the sadness to protect others, You need to allow the sadness, let yourself grieve and in the same time, allow yourself to heal..........Peace and love to you and your beautiful family xx
ReplyDeleteGreat update, fantastic! Okay the house work thing, that comes and goes for all of us I think. There are days I hate it and days I need it to cleanse myself and purge the crap. Know what I mean?
ReplyDeleteI think all dogs smell bad no matter what we do, unless you are anal and brush their teeth daily which I don't for ours.
Have a great week. Catching up on your sleep is important. Smile when you want and hopefully each day becomes easier.
Tell Brent his drawings are amazing btw!
I just stumbled onto your blog... Just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss. Your daughter was so sweet and beautiful. I can't imagine what you are feeling. Even though life continues the pain will be there and it's okay to be sad and grieving for a long time to come. I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI saw that you dropped a Love Bomb for Tripp today and noticed your comment. It sounds like you could use some love too....
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss and will have you and your family in my thoughts. I know that Anaya will be watching over you and waiting until you can be together again! I know it's easier said than done but try to take comfort knowing that she isn't suffering anymore.
You are an amazing, beautiful woman. What a wonderful family you have. I can't imagine having lost an angel baby, but I know that she was one blessed little girl for having you as a mother. I pray for your strength and comfort.
ReplyDeleteI have just read your blog for the first time... I think you are ace! And those sparkly things you dog responds to? Anaya's spirit is right there and Angel is just letting you know! Lots and lots of love from Australia xxxx
ReplyDeleteI followed you over from your comment for Tripp as well. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard that must be, but your description is heartbreaking. Sending love.
ReplyDelete