Breakdown

Anaya almost died yesterday.  We were at home.  My friend Danielle, who is a nurse, was visiting and helping out.  I went upstairs and had a nap, taking advantage of her watching Anaya for a while.  I came down around four in the afternoon.  Danielle was leaving so I thought I would pick Anaya up and change her diaper and hold her for a snuggle.  As soon as I changed her position she started choking.  It was a terrifying experience for her, and for all of us.  This was the worst it's ever been.  The closest she's ever come to leaving us.

She couldn't get a breath.  Her eyes snapped open.  They were huge, wide and panicked.  I've never seen her eyes so wide open since she could see.  It was like she was staring right at me, begging me to do something.   Her mouth opened in desperate scream...but no sound, no breath came out, no breath went in.  Her lips went blue, her face went blue, her hands and feet went blue.  Her eyes darted back and forth desperately.

I fought down panic and put her facedown over my knee and rapped on her back, trying to dislodge the obstruction from her airway.  After a few seconds I flipped her back over to look at her face, and to suction anything out of her mouth.  Danielle ran across the room to turn up the oxygen, unable to find the source (which is upstairs).  Solara jumped up from the couch and danced around the room in panic saying "Do something!  Do something!  She can't breathe!"

I shouted "Danielle!  Help me!  We need more oxygen! I can't get her to breathe! What do I do?"

She took the few steps across the room at a run and we had a blue baby pass off that most football players would envy.  It was so fast I don't even remember it.  She held Anaya in a drainage position and worked some kind of magic.  My little love took a breath! Immediately I took her back from Danielle to calm her and soothe her.  Her eyes were wild.  Her breathing became rapid and the color began to return  to her face.

At that moment Brent walked in the door.  "Turn up the oxygen!" I yelled.  He immediately sensed the urgency of the situation and ran up the stairs, taking three at a time.  Right away the flow of oxygen in the nasal prongs increased and her face flooded with color.  Her perfect little lips turned red, and her panic began to recede.

I held her and kissed her and loved her.  Solara hugged her. Brent kissed her.  We all were together.  Danielle stood at my side and waited for the moment to pass.

It was so fucking intense.  I was elated that she was still alive.  We all were.  So was she.

I always thought that when Anaya died it would be peaceful.  That she would just stop breathing in her sleep and drift away.  I never envisioned a traumatic death of asphixation before my eyes.

Then at bedtime she was seizing so badly she needed Ativan.

So that was what happened yesterday.

Today I was an emotional mess.  I cried when I woke up.  I cried when showing the house to some people (I need to move somewhere cheaper), I cried when my pharmacist asked how I was doing.  I cried when the bank teller asked how my day was.  I cried looking at the wall of vitamins - wondering if any of them would help Anaya come out of this pneumonia. I cried just thinking about her face.  Her wide eyes, her fear.

Today was the first time I've left the house in five days.  It was surreal.  Like a completely different world.  Solara and I ran errands together.  Brent stayed at my house with Anaya.  We got home as quickly as we could...and then Solara and I played "Wild Leaf Restaurant" up in her room.  She made me an imaginary meal.  It was good to be alone with her.

Anaya slept almost all day today - a side effect of the Ativan.  Hopefully she is healing inside and getting good rest.  We continue to love her and cherish her.

Love : $5 Respect : $10 Devotion : $20 Honor : $30 Truth : $40 Trust : $50 Wisdom : $70 Patience : $100 Generosity : $200

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