July 11, 2010

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The sun this past week has been amazing. Anaya enjoys the sunshine on her skin. Her and I danced in the grass. I held her up and spun her around in moments of joyous celebration of life.

I have come to know that she is a part of my life's greatest work. The legacy and mark that I leave on this world. The lessons that she teaches me, and teaches through me, the lessons that she teaches others, they are her life's work. It is so amazing how a little baby can be such a profound influence. Her innocence and sweetness touch everyone around her. Her beauty captivates my heart and inspires me to love more deeply than I have ever loved before. Her fragility reminds me that all life is a blessing and each moment is a miracle manifested.

When I kiss her cheek, and each finger on her hand, the softness of her skin is like rose petals. Her pudgy baby rolls yield beneath the touch like softened butter. It is part of her illness to be unable to metabolize fatty acids on a cellular level, thus she is becoming a pudgy baby Buddha. She is so cute, and it makes me smile, but I know that these fats are poison to her, that instead of giving to her life force they are stealing it away.

My rosebud has slept most of the day away. Last nights festivities at the community hall did not break through her sleep. I danced to the band while Anaya slept in the arms of trusted friends, and in mine. Amazingly, in the midst of the festivities, my brother Christopher and I spent quality time together and talked about life. The choices I make each day revolve around Anaya. My whole life revolves around Anaya at the moment. I am unable to see past the present into the future. I am unable to decide now what I will do after she is gone, for indeed it continues to seem that she is slipping quietly away from us.

The thought of missing her breaks my heart. For I already miss her voice, her smiles, her funny laugh and looking into her eyes and having her really see me. What will I do when I no longer have her baby cheeks to kiss? How will my life continue with the center of it missing?

Today I have kissed each finger and each toe in turn, attempting the memorize the wonder of it, the feeling of having my heart overflowing with love, and with gratitude for the gift of her presence in my life. I am reminded of how much love she has brought to me. How she has answered my prayers in so many ways. She has brought to me a family of community, a family of friends, hearts open wide and honest. We are loved and we are taken care of. We have a safety net of love supporting us and when we fall I know it will be there to catch us. I fear the vastness of my grief and I only hope that my fears are worse than the actuality of it.

"Believe in the Miracle" I've been told recently. I do believe in miracles. I hope for one everyday. It seems that the real miracle here is in what she has brought, and how she has connected so many of us in love and compassion.