I love my daughter as a part of myself. I feel each breath she takes, I feel her anxieties and her delights. I know her heart, her body, her soul. She grew inside me. If I have any power to help her heal it is in the space between thoughts where God resides.
In my quest to find healing for Anaya I have learned many things. My newest lesson is that I must quiet my mind and let go of trying to maintain life as usual. Each moment spent with her is a precious gift that will never be repeated. Everytime she calls out for me I feel her longing for the comforting warmth and security of her mother. When I take her in my arms she knows me. Her breathing calms, her small body settles softly against mine. The smell of her baby soft skin fills my nose and I hold her to my heart where she falls asleep. Resting my lips on her head I pray "Please, God, heal my baby", feeling her fine golden hair floating on the air of my breath.
Every part of life is so much more beautiful from the perspective of profound emotion. Each living thing a marvel, each person a deep wellsping of personal experiences and dreams. The mountains, the forest, the sun and rain - each spring flower bursting forth with magnificent life - there is abundant beauty all around us. I see it mostly in her. This lovely little being that has shared my heartbeat since the moment she was concieved in Love. Her skin shines with rainbow radiance in the sunlight, her dark golden hair shines with hints of red. Her eyes are a perfect blend of both of us. Hazel green and brown from me- with a yellow ring around the pupils from her father.
It has occurred to me that in these moments there is a magical oneness that settles over my heart and fills me with joy. In these moments there is healing to be found.
Therfore I resolve to change my day to day to one moment to the next. Less trips to town, less doctors appointments, less TV, less devoting my attention to e-mail or facebook. I resolve to blog at the end of the day and to save computer time for that moment. I resolve to knit our family into a healthy wholeness by giving each other more of our life-giving attention. Our lives are no longer taken for granted.
I resolve to look within from a place of Presence. Inside of the self is where many have found answers to their questions. Perhaps I shall find the answers to mine.
That is beautiful Camara. Your writing is beyond eloquent.
ReplyDeleteDear Camara
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me but I am a friend of a friend in Vancouver. I have been following your blog and finally want to tell you what a profound impact it has made on me as a mother.
My son is almost 7 months old and, other than a little cold right now, healthy. He does not sleep very well and I sometimes find myself frustrated and tired. What parents doesn't right?
A few of your posts, including this last one, have really centered me. You inspire me to relax and enjoy every moment with Sam - even the exhausted ones a 3am - because they are so precious. And you remind me to be grateful for the small things I take for granted everyday. I can feel your strength and struggles in your writing.
Your words matter.
Anaya is so lucky to have been born to your heart. I don't think I've ever "met" a more dedicated, hopeful and loving mother. I wish you, your husband, and both your daughters peace and healing.
Jamie
Beautifully said. I resolve with you, imagine if everybody did what a
ReplyDeletemore beautiful world we would live in.
You are wise beyond your years...your words are profound and touch my heart. I think you write a book about all that is in your life and heart and soul. It's beautiful!
ReplyDelete