Tuesday June 22, 2010

June has thus far been kind of dreary. The rain brings it's life giving water in sheets of grey and white. When the sun peeks through the clouds the greenery of the Kootenays is astounding. The thimble berry bushes are bursting with flowers, the radishes of my neighbors garden are already harvested, and yet - it feels as though we have only had a few sips of summer.

Anaya has been weathering the storm like the trooper that she is. She has remained fairly steady in her day to day routine. She sleeps, we feed her, we massage her and do excersizes. She gets her special medicines and remedies. She goes for walks with me and Joanne. She loves going on walks. Rain or shine we bundle her up and take her out to experience the world. It seems as though the sounds, and sights and scents really reach out to her and she responds to them in a calm, serenely aware way.

Speaking of "sights", we had Anaya in to see Dr. Fitzsimons last monday and she checked her eyes. Her pupils do not constrict when light is shined into them. The Dr. told me this could mean that she is no longer seeing. Sometimes it seems like she does. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't. None of us really know because she can't tell us. They could do a test at the childrens to find out if she's seeing but it wouldn't matter to me. She is how she is. Even if she isn't seeing she's got a lot of other senses that help her to experience the world.

For instance the scent of wild roses growing on the side of the road after a rain. MMMmmmm....and the peppery wild smell of lupins on the breeze. The feeling of rays of sunshine on her skin. So many wonderful delights.

At the Dr visit we also weighed Anaya and now she's almost 7kg. That means she's gained 2 lbs since february. At least she's growing. Her muscle mass is low because she doesn't really move. So most of her is skin, bone, and baby fat. I love her little rolls of baby fat.

I haven't written much since the fundraiser on June 11. I read a speech aloud that day that really shook me. Bearing my souls heart out loud in front of a group of people took all my strength. I attempted to bring bravery but the tears spilled down my cheeks, my breath caught in my chest and the sobs of grief threatend to steal my voice. I overcame it with a hug from my mother in law and finished my speech. Since then my inner voice has felt quite weak. Sometimes I wonder why anyone would want to hear of my challenges with Anaya, my sorrows, my bittersweet moments of love. Isn't it kind of depressing? I know I sure get down.

The fundraiser was not as successfull as I had hoped. After expenses we raised about $1200 to split between screening and research and our family. The money hasn't come in yet because some people haven't gotten their auction items yet. The auction coordinator is having difficulty getting a hold of some people etc. I've decided that we will just give $600 to the hospital for screening and send the other $600 away to the research lab at Hunters Hope. A few of the items didn't sell and I'm going to put them in an online auction when I have the time and energy to do it. I'll keep you posted on that one. There's an autographed poster of football player Jim Kelly. Any interest?

I've been down for almost two weeks. I find it difficult to laugh and smile. My friends say it's likely the rain and that I'll feel better when the sun comes out. I certainly hope so. This feeling of hopelessness and despair is bone deep and I feel washed up on a cold lonely shore. Even my love is sad and my memory is weak. I've been late for appointments and having moments of incredibly stupid forgetfulness. To anyone I've offended with my tardiness - I'm sorry.

I'm making a concious effort to find fun and happiness within. Yesterday I used the potting wheel Brent and Solara and Anaya gave me for mothers day. I successfully threw a couple nice pieces. Brent sat with me and we had moments together of creativity and it really helped my mood. Then I snuggled with Anaya all evening and kept her warm and loved.