Friday, June 17, 2011

My Hero Lisa's Story





A girl's life is shaped by sister's death

North Shore News

By Jessica Barrett

 

Lisa and Frank Fedorak had long dreamed of becoming parents.

"I always told Frank I wanted to have six kids," chirps Lisa, a striking woman with bright blue eyes that contrast her dark hair.

Strolling down Lonsdale Avenue in the tentative warmth of a spring breeze, the 38-year-old North Shore resident appears well on her way to building the happy, healthy family she envisioned. Lisa has those preternatural multi-tasking skills unique to parents with young children. She seamlessly maintains conversation while pushing three-month-old Greta in a stroller and keeping close watch over the downy-haired preschooler darting across the sidewalk.

"She could do this all day," she says, nodding toward daughter Scarlett, clad in a pink coat embellished with the occasional iridescent sequin. "As long as she can run, she's happy."

Watching Scarlett scamper along the pavement, you wouldn't think the rambunctious little girl was any different from other children her age -- unless you looked closely and noted the thin scar just above her collarbone. It's virtually the only outward sign that, at just 3* years old, Scarlett has defied overwhelming odds and seems to be winning the fight of her short life.

Scarlett has Krabbe disease (globoid cell leukodystrophy), a rare degenerative condition affecting only an estimated one in 100,000 births in North America and Europe.

Though rare, Krabbe (pronounced krab-EH) is a particularly cruel and rapidly progressing disease afflicting one in four children in families where both parents carry an uncommon genetic mutation. There is a 25 per cent chance children of such couples will be unaffected and a 50 per cent chance they will be asymptomatic carriers like their parents -- that's the case with Scarlett's little sister, Greta.

Children born with Krabbe lack a crucial enzyme known as galactosylceramidase, or GALC. Without the enzyme, the body begins breaking down myelin -- the fatty substance that insulates nerve fibres and brain cells -- damaging the peripheral and central nervous systems. As the disease progresses, toxins build up in brain and nerve cells, causing seizures, loss of motor skills, blindness, deafness and, typically, death before age two.

Lisa and Frank know the heartbreak of Krabbe well. Scarlett, though their oldest child, is not their first.

Chloe Isabel Fedorak was born Feb. 5, 2001. Lisa and Frank immediately fell in love with their daughter and relished every developmental milestone. At three weeks Chloe held up her head, at one month she was smiling and at two months their first-born was sleeping through the night. But as Chloe got older, her development stalled.

"She started regressing," remembers Frank, 37, on the phone from his job at a provincial court registry. "She was able to hold her head up and then she started not being able to hold her head. We just thought she had a virus or something, but the doctor said babies don't lose skills. Ever."

A visit to a neurologist confirmed every parent's worst fear: there was definitely something wrong with Chloe. Krabbe, a fatal disease, was the most likely diagnosis.

Distraught, the Fedorak's sought information on the condition they had never heard of and had no idea they carried. "It was probably one of the worst days of my life," Frank says. "We took out a book on diseases and found Krabbe and it just said death, death, death all over it."

In their research, the Fedorak's found that there was only one treatment available for Krabbe -- a risky and invasive procedure called a cord blood stem cell transplant. The procedure worked by engrafting blood cells taken from the umbilical cord of a non-related baby into a Krabbe-affected infant.

But further heartbreak followed when they realized that, at just seven months, the damage to Chloe's nerve cells was irreversible. She was not a candidate for transplant.

"It's different for every child, but the rule of thumb is that if you don't know beforehand, it's almost too late," Frank explains.

The reality was stark: there was nothing they could do for Chloe that could bring back her smile, her appetite, her ability to discover the world. All they could offer her was palliative care and watch her slowly slip away. Chloe died on Dec. 2, 2002. She was 22 months old.

The pain was immense. They had lost their first child and their chance at having a family, or so it seemed.

"After Chloe passed away, I never wanted to go through that again," says Lisa. "I said, 'We'll just have to be without kids,' because all the alternatives seemed horrendous -- like I just couldn't go through that."

Years later, however, the Fedorak's learned they were expecting another baby girl affected by Krabbe.

The decision to conceive naturally was one the couple arrived at after exhausting several other options. Artificial insemination proved unsuccessful, and adoption too expensive. It was Frank who made the case to try for another baby. "I pretty much decided that 75 per cent was better than 25 per cent -- because that's the chance of it happening again."

The way Lisa remembers it, they weren't really trying to conceive, but they weren't trying not to. Being open to another baby was one way of working through the pain of losing Chloe.

"Grief is a funny beast," she explains, "I said that I never wanted to go through this and I didn't want to have another child because I didn't want to put another baby through that. . . . I wanted a baby more than anything and at the same time I knew what we were facing. Sometimes you just let go. You let things happen, you let the moment carry you away and it leads to where you weren't expecting to go."

They took the gamble and found themselves once more on the wrong side of the genetic lottery, but thanks to the lessons learned through Chloe's illness and death this little girl had a fighting chance. Still, it didn't make Scarlett's diagnosis any easier to handle.

"Losing my first daughter, that was horrendous, I wouldn't wish that on anybody," Lisa says. "But hearing that diagnosis for the second time, that was hard -- like my heart had been ripped out of my body."

The couple now had to make a difficult decision. There were only three options for Scarlett: terminate the pregnancy, let the disease run its terrible course, or subject her to a risky treatment with no guaranteed results.

After a great deal of soul searching and deliberating, they opted for the transplant. Frank was sure Scarlett would come through with flying colours. Opposition from doctors who urged them to "really think about it" only made them more resolute.

In hindsight, Frank says, they were probably a little na?ve about the treatment. "At that point, we had thought that the kids from the transplants were doing better than they were," he admits.

It was true that kids were escaping Krabbe's certain death sentence by undergoing the transplant, but the process was, and is, far from perfect. Only about 20 newborns worldwide have been treated for Krabbe through cord blood stem cell transplants. Most have been done at Duke University in North Carolina under the supervision of Dr. Joanne Kurtzberg, an expert in the field.

While successful transplants delay the onset of Krabbe, most recipients show symptoms over time -- largely affecting gross motor skills and impeding the ability to walk. Frank says a lot of the kids who have undergone the procedure use walking aids or wheelchairs. The treatment is so new that the long-term prognosis for transplant recipients is unknown. So far, the oldest recipient, an 11-year-old American boy, is doing well but uses a wheelchair to get around.

To be effective, the transplant must be done almost immediately after birth. This means parents and doctors have to know to look for the condition before a baby is born, or catch it within days after. A handful of American states have included Krabbe in compulsory newborn testing, and at least one baby has undergone the transplant as a result, but in most places, including Canada, there is no screening process.

As a result, most eligible babies come from families with a documented family history of the disease -- meaning the parents have already lost an older child.

Pregnant with Scarlett, the Fedorak's turned to pediatric oncologist Dr. Kirk Schultz at B.C. Children's Hospital and set about preparing for the gruelling treatment that would last nearly a year. Scarlett would be only the second Canadian child with Krabbe to undergo the transplant procedure, the first in British Columbia.

Through in utero testing, Schultz was able to find a suitable donor from an American cord blood bank and was ready to take action at the first opportunity.

"We did a transplant as soon as we could safely do it after Scarlett was born to minimize the amount of damage occurring inside her nerves," Schultz says via phone from the United States while away on business.

Schultz waited 16 days to allow Scarlett's liver to adjust before starting her on high-dose chemotherapy. He needed to destroy her immune system and ready her body to accept new cells containing the crucial enzyme.

Schultz has a good analogy for Krabbe. The absence of GALC, the missing enzyme, creates a sort of traffic jam in the cell. Substances are going in, but they can't get out. "You have a downtown traffic jam and nothing is going out because the stoplight is on," he says. "It's a bigger and bigger traffic jam inside the cell and eventually it just can't work any more. You need the signal to turn the light from red to green." GALC is that signal.

What Krabbe-affected kids really need, Schultz says, are new nerve cells, but the medical science just isn't there yet. Blood cells are the next best thing. "What they do is they go and sit next to the nerve cells, and they make the enzyme alright," he says. "The blood cells produce the enzyme and go outside the blood-making cells and the nerves try to pick them up."

It's not a cure, but it's the best option out there, Schultz says. The key is doing the transplant before babies begin exhibiting symptoms, which is why Chloe could not be treated.

"The enzyme is not working even when the baby is developing inside the mom," Schultz says. "The problem is if you find a child that's already got symptoms, there's so much that's accumulated inside the cell that you can't come back from that."

For the first three months of her life, Scarlett was confined to a tiny hospital room where she received treatment. At just 3.2 kilograms, machines dwarfed her tiny body and a tangled mess of tubes pumped chemo into her neck and chest through central lines. Lisa literally never left the room. Frank still had to go to work, but would visit the hospital every night, staying late into the evening. He'd do it all again the next day.

Bringing Scarlett home, tubes and all, was another terrifying ordeal. "We had to do everything," Frank remembers. "It was just two people, not really experienced in this, making sure that she didn't rip these things out of her chest." Several complications landed Scarlett in the intensive care unit, fighting for survival.

Finally, at one year old, Scarlett was weaned off her myriad medications and the tubes were gone. She began the long struggle for normalcy.

"She had no muscle tone, she hadn't gained back her birth weight at that time," Lisa says, describing Scarlett at one year as about the size of her now three-month-old sister, Greta.

With the help of a physical therapist and a speech therapist from the province's Infant Development Program, Scarlett started gaining strength and muscle control. When she turned three, her support services transferred over to the B.C. Centre for Ability, where she has continued to thrive. Her progress has so impressed staff at the centre, that the organization has honoured her with their Hero of Ability award for 2009.

Although Scarlett continues to have some muscle weakness, she has almost caught up to her peers. She can run, jump and is learning to ride a bicycle. Lisa chalks it up to her sheer will and determination -- personality traits that have not escaped the attention of her therapists and doctors.

Still, Scarlett remains a medical mystery and her future is uncertain. Her annual MRI scans show that there has been damage to her myelin sheath, yet Scarlett shows virtually no signs of her disease. Because of this phenomenon, she'll be featured in a medical study to be published in the coming months.

Dr. Schultz, her oncologist, confirms that Scarlett is doing remarkably well, but stops short of saying she's out of the woods for good. "I have a very cautious optimism," he says. "This is so unusual and rare it is really impossible to say how it will play out down the road, but we do know that what we've done will delay the Krabbe Disease."

For Lisa and Frank, focusing on Scarlett's uncertain future is a waste of time. Rather, the family is concentrating on the next challenge, one they haven't encountered before.

Scarlett is due to start preschool in the next little while. Her parents will have to take a step back and watch their daughter venture into the world on her own two feet.

For more information on the Fedorak's struggle with Krabbe Disease visit www.chloeisabel.com, Lisa Fedorak's personal log of dealing with the disease. More information on Krabbe, newborn testing and cord blood stem cell transplants is available through the Hunter's Hope Foundation www.huntershope.org.

© North Shore News 2009
 




 

Saturday, June 11, 2011

A sick computer...

My laptop is sick and is at the computer doctor. I can't really write from my phone. Anaya is alright. We are pretty content. I'll find a computer and write more once I find one. Monday or wednesday likely...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Misty Kootenay Days



The clouds swirl over the mountain tops. Trees are lost in the white blur, the sky is not blue, but white and grey. Thunder rolls overhead and the sky dumps buckets of water down upon Nelson. The air is crisp and clean. Scents of spring hang in the air. Damp earth, wet grass, dripping lilacs, all combine to form a heady scent of life.

Buddha (our dog) runs before me and I brush a tendril of loose hair from my face that has become plastered to my forehead in the rain. He looks back at me and wags his tail, scampering ahead, hoping this will be a longer walk than just a few blocks.

"I'm sorry buddy" I say. "We've got to go back soon." He looks up at me with his kind, wise brown eyes and I swear he knows what I just said. His ears droop, his tail sags and he puts on his pouty face. We head back.

Walking past homes of those yet met, hosts of unknown families know nothing of me and mine. What I wouldn't give some days to be anonymous. The fact is that I am who I am, and you are who you are, I wouldn't change anything about my life given a choice. Anaya is the best teacher I've had in this life, with her help I have grown into a woman of compassion, confidence and love. It's just that sometimes it's nice to have a conversation with people that isn't about how Anaya is doing. A conversation that is organic, evolved and engaging. Don't get me wrong. I love to talk about my babies too...

Stepping over a black slug I stop and take notice of this fragile, beautiful and destructive creature. It does not notice me and carries forth, slowly. It takes it's time. Sometimes I rush things, especially when I make a decision. Once I've decided to take action - the next step is taking ACTION LOL. Get-er-done is one of my sayings. I love the feeling of accomplishment when something is complete, whole and beautiful in the moment. I am happy to say that Anaya and I are comfortable now in our little house. My friend John has really helped me out over the past couple of weeks with organizing the place, making it functional and beautiful. He's also organized some helpers to give me a hand too - which is wonderful. A young lady named April is my key Angel. I think her and I will be good friends.

I met April at the fundraiser held last week by the Bodhi Spa. The fundraiser was a surprise to me. I knew that Monica was doing a draw for a massage prize but I didn't know that there was an event until a few days before. It was funny. I ran into people downtown Nelson who said "Hey - tell me about your event on Sunday" and I was like "What do you mean? What event on Sunday?" It was kind of awkward but I hadn't been on facebook in a few days and I guess that's what happens when you tune out. I called Monica and she filled me in.

It turned out to be a lovely event. Anaya and I attended with John. We met lots of lovely people who had love in their hearts for Anaya. She was the star of the afternoon. Monica took some lovely shots of her.

I sat and talked with everyone about Anaya. About her illness, about her terminal prognosis, about my feelings on death and dying. All around me was sadness and compassion and love, but the sadness had a weight to it and the grief hit me hard. I attempted to move through it, overcoming the urge to cry and run away. There is no running away from grief. It always catches you. I pretended a smile for a moment...not wanting to cause anyone undue concern. Picking up Anaya I held her head to my lips and breathed in her soft baby smell, feeling the silkiness of her hair on my chin. "I love you sweetheart" I whisper to her and the feeling of love blossoms strongly in my heart. Reminding me all over again that the pain is worth the love.

The years spent with Brent were similar. There was love. There was pain. There was forgiveness and effort, more pain,grief, more love. It seemed a cycle of insanity that eventually caused me only pain. When the pain begins to affect others and affect children the love falls apart. The seams had been splitting for quite a while.

Things are calmer now. My home feel safe and warm, cozy and welcoming. The spring rain has awakened the yard. Lushness envelops us. Buddha and I climb the stairs into the house. Opening the door the scent of cleanliness hits me and I am overwhelmed by gratitude towards the lovely ladies who volunteered time this week to help me maintain our home. The phone is ringing - It's Solara. I talk to her several times each day. She's very happy back in Calgary with her father and her old friends. I love to hear the smile in her voice. I know it was the right thing to do - to have her stay there for a while. But I miss her and my heart aches without her good night hugs.

My little love lays beside me on the couch. She is snuffley tonight - meaning that she cannot seem to breathe through her nose. This makes things difficult for her but I've been suctioning out her mouth and nostrils and it helps a bit. She got to hang out with her Grandma and Grandpa Scott today and her daddy. He has a few days off and has been spending lots of time with her over here. He's been gracious and helpful - bringing the best parts of himself to our fledgling friendship. I hope to bring the best parts of myself too...but mistrust arises and I struggle with it. I do the best I can to be the best parent to Anaya that I can be, the best parent to Solara that I can be.....the best ME I can be!!!

To end I say
"Do not go gently into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light" - Dylan Thomas.

Brent asked me to post this on his behalf.

Now I awake and instantly look over past the empty side of my bed out of habit expecting to see my baby girl listening for someone to wake up , taking in the new day and see the tapestry decorated by a sun . It reminds me of the precious moments I can remember as vividly as if they only happened a moment ago.I cherish the time I have with my wonderful little baby girl. I miss having her near me without the chance of a stolen kiss or a snuggle at my convenience, so now I push on struggling to find my new place in this new world. I strive for my peace I once took for granted.Within my new existence I seek love for myself,my baby girl and the friendship love that's starting all over with camara. I am fortunate to still have that yet it has been hard to have your closest friend hold you at a distAnce to protect their heart so they can heal and grow. I have made many mistakes and compromised my integrity but never again. Especially where love is concerned. I miss the love ,companionship ,shared goals , the partnership, and of course the physical parts. Love is a wonderful thing in all it's factions right from the first kiss to the,play to the memories and fullness you feel. I had forgot how to play in many ways and that usually ended in hysterical laughter and affection. I hope to make things right whatever that means , so I will see what the future brings. I am also working as hard As I can to get my place ready for my baby girl to spend my days off with me and I am constantly moving things to make it comfy , calm and accessible for all of anayas needs.
I still am trying to track down a crib type thing / change table to make the transition smoother without having to move furniture around every time I take her overnight.
The most exiting part about anaya is the love at first sight , I don't know how my life will be when she is gone but until then I fill every waking moment with love for her. Unfortunately time is sometimes money and again I work to the bone to be able to spend more time with her and keep challenging thoughts like having to work extra when extra expenses arise. I am trying to give her all of me I can because she deserves the love of a lifetime in such few years . I am working on some portraits of Anaya and trying to find other parents and children to illustrate As well for a collection to remind people of the most precious moments in life and to hopefully get some interest and possibly funds to get more time for those myself. That's all we really have in this life is all those wonderful moments that are worth more than anything in the world !!

Unwell

I'm sorry for not having written much this week. I've been quite busy organizing my life, working on my CF business and consulting for a non-profit. I've also been missing my Vancouver friends and feeling a bit down... Anaya is alright. She seems to have more pain now and I try to keep on top of it with medicine. I now have her booked for Physio once a week. I'm going to try to have her massaged once a week as well. Her little neck muscles are so tight.

I hope to write more soon...but right now I'm exhausted from being up last night with Anaya. I'm so tired I feel sick. Hopefully it's not a bug. The nurse called in sick today.

Friday, June 3, 2011

I fell asleep before the story

Standing Beauty Today :)

Event on Sunday

To all of our Nelson Readers...

There will be a fundraiser event for Anaya this Sunday June 5, 2011 at Bodhi Day spa from 1-4 pm. It is a wine and cheese by donation and also there is a silent auction and door prizes. Please stop by the Hume Hotel and join Anaya and I at Bodhi Day Spa for a hug and a chat :)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Gentle Tasks

She awakens with a startle. Her long lashes flicker, sweeping down to brush her cheek, flying open wide. Hazel eyes stare through me. She moans and I hear her voice in my heart. "Mama?"
"Yes, little love. I am here. Good morning sunshine. It's a beautiful day today." I move my fingers softly over her golden hair, tracing hearts on her forehead and running a tickle down her nose. I kiss her cheek. She moans again.

"Mama, I hurt."
"I know your hurting sweetheart," I whisper "let's just stretch out your legs gently and get you out of this wet diaper. Then I will give you your meds and run a bath for us."

I pull the covers from her, removing the cocoon of warmth that has surrounded us. Disconnecting her feeding tube from her stomach and removing the oxygen prongs from her nose, I lift her to the end of the bed and set her down, propped gently on a fluffy pillow. She lets out a contented sigh, stretching her legs straight and pushing her body as hard as she can against the pillow.

"Ha!" I laugh at her. "Must feel good to get straightend out after a night of sleeping on your side all curled up against mama." She mews a little sound at me, as if in agreement. I dash to the other room and start the bath water. Nice and warm. Returning to her in seconds I say "I've got the bath going, soon you will be floating in the nice warm water and I will sing to you."

Pulling the snaps of her sleeper open the fabric presses against my fingers in all it's baby softness. What will I do when she doesn't fit in sleepers anymore? I wonder. Removing it from her is similar to undressing a sleeping person, or someone who is unconscious. Her limbs twist easily and fall under the influence of gravity and I must be careful to withdraw each one with care. Removing her diaper she flinches. I notice a redness around her inner thighs where her beautiful baby chub has deprived the skin of oxygen and a rash is forming. Every day I am careful to clean and dry my little love, and yet still we fight these darn crease rashes.

Determined to win the war of the crease, Anaya and I climb into the tub. I hold her floating in the water, using my knees and feet to position her so that I can use my hands to wash first her stoma (G-tube opening in her tummy), then her body, then her hair.

Her back arches and her legs push against the wall of the tub, a firm and deliberate movement on her part. "Push! Push! Push!" I encourage her and she pushes again. Taking a deep breath in she relaxes. Her skin is flush, her lips reddened with highly oxygenated blood from the exertion. She sighs and in that sigh I hear her thoughts.

"Feels Good! LOVE floating! Love Pushing!"

Curly waves of wet golden hair float around her head and I wish I had a camera handy. My fingers find the knots in her neck muscles and I massage them gently, working from her shoulders and up her neck to the base of her skull. Like anyone else Anaya enjoys having her neck and head massaged. "mmmmmm" Contentment.

Cleansing finished it's time for swimming like a mermaid. I begin singing songs from "The Little Mermaid" starting with "Part of your World." Many of you may remember this song from your youth, or your children's youth. Many may remember it from the last time I got good and drunk at the Procter Community Hall Karaoke night more than a year ago. That was the first and last time I drank that much in the past 4 years lol. I ended up singing "Part of Your World", solo, with no music. And I had fun doing it. Lots of fun. But enough about that.

The walls surrounding the tub echo back my voice and the water surrounding us gives it a richness and a vibrancy that can only happen in the shower (some of you may know what I mean) Anaya sighs and floats, occasionally pushing her legs against the end of the tub, while I raise my voice in a sunny salutation of my little love. I allow the song to take me completely, expelling love and frustration, joy, hope and despair.

"I want to be where the people are. I want to see, want to see them dancing, walking around on those...what do you call them? Feet....Up where they WALK, up where they RUN, up where they Play all day in the SUN, wandering free...wish I could be, part of that World..."
That's the Camara sweetend condensed version.

Oh! Baby needs me got to go.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Home!



Yesterday was our first day spent back in Nelson. It is lovely to be home. The pace of Nelson is like a breath of fresh air - or maybe that IS the fresh air! It was a bit overwhelming at first. The house and the yard were in need of some serious work. I swallowed my pride and put it out there and asked for help. I was fortunate that Amelia, Anna, Steve and Mike all had time on their hands and love in their hearts to lend a hand.

Now the house is clean, the yard is weedwacked and mowed and Anaya and I's bedroom has been re-organized so that it suits us perfectly.

My two close friends from Vancouver, Stuart and John, have come to visit for a while and help me with Anaya until our nursing support kicks in again. They've been an amazing help and comfort. John's been making sure I eat (entirely too much), and encouraging me to take moments for myself while he watches Anaya. I even had a bath. (This is a luxury sometimes!)

Brent is coming over to visit with Anaya for a while today, I think she will enjoy the time with him. I'm going to take Stu and Jon on a tour of our beautiful little town and show them how lovely Kootenay lake is. We walked down by the waterfront last night and I took this picture.



The Koots are home. This picture is dedicated to my friend Cameron.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Always Broken

I find the post that Natalie wrote to be profound. Perhaps I am "Never Not Broken", perhaps I harness my fear and ride it. Perhaps that's why I sometimes scare people with my intensity and my inability to see obstacles that cannot be overcome.

I find most obstacles overcome able. I am like water. I flow. Sometimes I fall, sometimes I go slowly, sometimes swiftly, but I trust that I will get to the ocean eventually. I trust and have faith that I will always make it around the bend, and over the next set of falls.

Maybe one day I'll have someone to share my journey with that is on the same page as me, or maybe not. It must be intense to be around someone like me who is "never not broken".

My baby girl lays beside me, and I listen to her breathing. Her life has changed me in ways so profound I can hardly explain with words. My little teacher. She has taught me more than anything to live in the moment, love with all your heart, give everything you have, and hold nothing back, even if it breaks you repeatedly. I am still whole in my brokenness.

The fundraiser held over the past 48 hours has generated some money. It is enough for me to stay with my baby, enough to buy her carseat and supplies, it has bought us stress free time together to LIVE and LOVE. I thank everyone for that with all my heart and soul. Our moments are precious. Not just mine and Anaya's but each and every one of YOURS too. Be sure to make certain the people you love in your life know it. Take a moment to truly connect with their soul, bask in the profoundness that is the joy of human love and connection. It doesn't get any better than that folks. It just plain doesn't.

I LOVE YOU ALL.
(Even the hater that's been sending me nasty email all day!- You must really have a lot of hurt inside you that makes you say such ignorant things)

There's always room for more love - and if there isn't room, it's your own issue to deal with.

Goodnight Yall!
P.S- Texas, I'm so gonna whoop ya for missing this one. Where the heck are you?

Sunday, May 22, 2011

A post from Natalie deGoey


Never Not Broken


So, I had a pretty intense experience this morning, and I wanted to share it with all of you, as you have been so immensely supportive of Camara and Anaya over the last little while, and I found it to be extremely powerful and timely!

Jennifer Williams was kind enough to come over this morning to hang out while I went to a yoga class... I have a very regular practice that is central to my life and a big way that I manage stress and anxiety, and I have been feeling the loss of it the last couple of weeks, with wanting to give all my energy to Camara and Anaya... I realized the other day that if I am running myself ragged, I am not going to be able to keep giving them everything they need and deserve, and I think balance is important in all aspects of life, but possibly more so in the most trying of times!! I have grown up watching my mother be an entirely selfless caregiver, and it isn't the right way to go through life - "me" matters too, and helps you be more effective and helpful to others! Anyways... I decided I needed to re-focus and get centred, so I could come back raring to go, so I went to a Hatha class with one of my favorite instructors (Julie Peters, of East Vancouver Yoga Studio and Yyoga), knowing that I might be a bit of a wreck, but that it could only do me good.

No sooner do I sit down on my mat, than she starts speaking in her wonderfully soothing voice (she does poetry slam too, people... she is amazing), about this "new goddess" that she recently learned about. I don't think the goddess is new (haha), but it was new to her, and certainly to me... I will try to sum it up as best I can, and there is a link to a lecture at the bottom of this email that goes into more detail.

So this goddess is called Akhilandeshwari, which loosely translates as "Never Not Broken"... when you break down those words, they really mean "Always Broken".... at first this sounds very sad... but Julie went on to explain that what this goddess has to teach us is that "to be broken is its own kind of wholeness"... rather than be contained by a "limiting completeness", she is able to use her constant state of breaking apart to continuously reinvent herself, and wrap herself into whatever shape is required to survive or thrive under any circumstances. This idea kind of spoke to me of my dear friend... my soul sister Camara... but it gets better....

The instructor goes on... "so Akhilandeshwari has this RIDE...", and we all giggle a bit... "and her ride is a Crocodile", we giggle some more... but we aren't laughing for long... or at least I'm not, because the next thing she says starts the tears just streaming down my face....
"and the crocodile represents our reptile brain... the center of our fear." The great thing about this goddess, is that instead of giving in to fear, or instead of pretending that fear doesn't exist - of "conquering it", and sending it away from her (which we all know you can't REALLY do, even if you think you have for a little while)... she freaking RIDES on it... she harnesses it, and she uses it, and it becomes part of her power. It flows with her and is a part of her, and it makes her strong.

By this point I'm trying to choke back audible sobs, and I'm feeling like this story is just speaking directly to my soul, as if a window has somehow opened up into my life, and this voice is speaking directly into the depths of what I need to hear in order to keep going. I mean, as if this goddess doesn't speak to who Camara is, and the way that she has turned this devastating situation into a chance to make a positive impact on the world. She takes that fear that she feels about losing her baby and turns into something vengeful and powerful and AWESOME (and I'm using the real meaning of that word here, not the surf-lingo version)... well, she does... and she has, and she IS. No matter what struggles she has gone through in her life (and there have been a few, not the least of which is mothering a very sick child), she always seems to take it under her skin, and use it not as a crutch, but as a way of moving forward into the world with more strength and compassion than any one woman should be capable of... all of these shattering experiences have been part of her path, and made her into the incredible person she now is... and that so many people are touched by, and moved to offer help and support to.

For me, Baby Anaya is the catalyst, and you can't help but love her in all her softness and sweet beauty... but Mama Camara is the power and the fury, and the righteous anger that creates real change in the world. She could so easily have kept her struggles and her fears to herself, and gone along in isolation, grieving for her child, but instead she is fighting.... fighting SO HARD every day to give Anaya and Solara the best POSSIBLE life... a life which includes almost constant hope and determination... and the ability to laugh through tears (or to laugh so hard it BRINGS you to tears)... and she is sharing it with all of us, every day... sharing her struggles... her heartache and her joy... and most commendably, she is asking for HELP! She has reminded us all that we are not alone, and that there ARE people in the world that will do anything to help a friend, neighbor, or total stranger! She has renewed our faith in humanity, and our sense of right and wrong...

I could go on for days, but I just felt the need to share with you the realization that I had about the person that Camara is (I always knew it, but this goddess finally brought it all together for me), and thank everyone who has contributed time, money, thoughts, prayers, energy, food, cars, milk, etc and especially love. It helps so much more than you could ever realize, and as time goes on she is going to continue to need your support, but I know she is also going to continue to surprise us all with her strength, and her ability to be "Never Not Broken", and show us all what it means to be a warrior!!

Here is the link to the seminar about the Shaktipat goddesses, if you're interested in a more 'expert' take on Akhilandeshwari and her crocodile ride...

http://instantteleseminar.com/?eventID=19839927

A Message from Anaya's Fan Adriana Araujo Curvo
I've just woke up and run here (to Facebook - The Anaya Initative), because I think of this family often. And I had this message in my dream: we all want to help Anaya's family... and no doubt Camara needs to get some care time to herself, like the massage someone set-up for today, and I believe if Camara gets at least 2-3 massages a week it will make wonders to her body and make her refreshed and renewed to have more energy and calmness to give it to her Baby Girl that WE ALL ADORE. I believe we all mommys know how hard it is to deal with a sick child when he/she gets a cold or a fussy tummy and it drains all our energy and I can only imagine, how much Anaya needs her mommy feeling 100% to give her baby girl a 100% of her.

I know we all want to help and money wise many of us probably struggle with only 1 income coming in... but if everyone could give $10 I dont think it will hurt our pockets, but many $10 together will turn into a decent amount that Camara could use to pay for her expenses while here in Vancouver.

But to make it work. We could set up ONE DAY, Tomorrow May 23, for this donation to be made in this matter. And at the end of the day, we'll see how many have helped and take this weight off Camara shoulders. Any thoughts?


To donate please click the paypal button on the side of the blog or click HERE

Time for change

Hello friends,
Anaya and I both slept very well. We are comfortable and have been gently welcomed into Natalie and Geoff's home. Natalie is doing a great job of taking care of us, and organizing people to help me and Anaya. Thank you Natalie - and Thank you to everyone who has helped, or has offered to help in any way.

Today we are hoping to go on an outing to find Solara a birthday present as it is her 9th birthday on May 31. I have a couple of ideas and we'll see how it pans out.

Today I'm also writing with a purpose because I want to fill you in on a major shift that is taking place in our lives.

You may have noticed that I seldom write about Anaya's father, Brent. I also do not write about our relationship, and it's struggles, because I attempt to do my best to focus on the positive. I attempt to use this blog to really express how I'm feeling about Anaya, and to let people know how Anaya is doing.

Brent and I have decided to go our separate ways after a couple years of attempting to reconcile our differences. This happened the day that I brought Anaya down to the hospital to attempt to get some respite and help - as I was throughly exhausted and emotionally drained. We are amiable in our separation, and plan on parenting Anaya together. He is currently moving to his own space. Solara, Anaya and I will live alone in our little rainbow house. Me and my girls :) Brent will be coming to visit and help care for Anaya as his work schedule allows, as often as he wants.

The timing for this separation is intense, however it had to happen and I am glad for it. I do not feel incredible sadness or loss. I feel friendship and love for Brent and I pray that will remain in my life. I have some fear of managing my two girls, my special little loves by myself. But I have confidence that this is for the highest good of all parties and that I CAN DO IT! We will need the support of our friends and family to establish a place of love, safety and security within our home. Help with tasks, etc.

At the moment I can feel a support network of love holding us up, and a security and confidence within myself that says I cannot fail.

With love to you all,
Camara

Friday, May 20, 2011

Transfer Day of Chaos

How can I describe to you the feeling of floating in a sea of uncertainty? For the past 10 days I haven't known what our future plan is, when we will go home, whether or not we will be transferred to SunnyHill Children's or Canuck place. Whether or not Anaya will live or die. It has been intense, and yet there was no day as intense as today. Let's call it "Transfer Day".

Basically Anaya is stable now. The new medicine, Keppra, has quieted her seizures and something has calmed her apneac spells. She's breathing now as she did before - still laboured, still wet or dry depending on the day - but normal for her. We had what felt like tens of professionals in and out of our hospital room all trying to make a plan for Anaya, and yet there were several moments of uncertainty and miscommunication. One person said we were going to Canuck place, another said we were going to SunnyHill, another said we were staying in hospital. I was just wide-eyed and overwhelmed. I felt like saying "Excuse me- Hi everyone, I'm just gonna pack up and go home now ok?" I actually did say that at one point and was convinced that the right plan was to go to SunnyHill and have a proper seating assessment done - even though it meant staying there over the long weekend. The Dr. preferred to see Anaya leave the hospital while she was stable in order to keep her healthy. There are several nasty viruses going around.

So we packed up everything and Anaya and waited for what seemed like hours for the Pro's to tell us what to do and where to go. Then we headed for SunnyHill. Sounds nice right?

I left Anaya in the Van with Brent and walked into make our arrangements and find our room. I was welcomed warmly and gently by some very nice women and taken to Anaya's spot in a dormitory for disabled children. There were three beds, 1 padded jail cell of a crib, and a hospital type crib for Anaya. There was a chair next to Anaya's cell for me to sleep in. I didn't even see a spot for me to put my luggage or her clothes really. That's when the panic attack hit. My vision narrowed to a hazy tunnel and the woman showing me the room was saying something...something...I couldn't make out her words. I shook my head. "NO!" I said and spun on my heel and left the room.


"What do you mean?" The doctor asked.
"We can't stay here" I said.
"Why" The doctor asked.
"I just can't! The hospital said your rooms were like theirs. I was told Anaya and I were going to have a room to share because I have to stay with her 24 hours a day because you guys don't have 1 to 1 nursing support. I can't sit with her in there for a week. I just can't.

My heart was pounding, my chest was tight. I was solid and firm in my stance. I'm certain that some kind of panicked fire was blazing from my eyes and I told the doctor.

"I think we'll just go home now." I went outside to the Van. Brent was unloading Anaya's stuff. "You can put all that away," I said "we can't stay here." He looked at me with a quizzical expression, said nothing and started putting the stuff back in the van.

Grant arrived from Calgary to take Solara for the weekend at that moment and he said "What's the plan?" I almost cracked up. Everyone was looking at me. Brent from the rear of the van, Solara from around my waist, Grant from the right.
"What's the plan?" I repeated...and tried to make my mind think.

I called our hospital unit and spoke with our head doctor. Dr. Jen. She's awesome by the way. I explained that I was uncomfortable with the way the accommodations were set up, discomforted by the feeling of warehoused disabled children. I told her I had decided to go home. Gently she convinced me that Anaya's seating assessment at SunnyHill was too important to miss. I agreed but stated that I couldn't stay there. Nor could I leave Anaya there. Ever. The very thought makes me have terrible pain in my chest and a desire to scream. I'm in no way knocking SunnyHill. Every place has it's purpose. I just have a fear of confined spaces and maybe I'm just too used to having my own space with my precious little love. I'm used to sleeping - at least a little bit. I'm used to brightly lit rooms with flowers and music.

We came to an agreement. I would check in at SunnyHill and then take Anaya "Out on a Pass" for the weekend and come back for her to be assessed on tuesday.

I called my close friend Natalie Degoey from the hallway.
"Nat? Me and Anaya are coming to stay at your house for the weekend. Just me and her and the dog. I'm sorry for assuming this but we can, right?"
"Of course you can, Mara." Natalie said.
"I'd be offended if you didn't assume you could stay at my house!"

So we packed up Anaya again and headed to Burnaby. I was in hyper anxiety overdrive. If I were a chimney I'd be puffin up a storm! My emotions were numb, my mind was empty yet agitated, my driving was erratic. We arrived at Natalie and Geoff's house in one piece. Geoff started making food and I tried my best to organize all of our stuff that we unloaded from the van. I separated it into stuff that Brent can take back to Nelson and things that I need to stay here with Anaya for up to two weeks.

That being done I ate. Brent sat with the baby for a bit and then went out to meet a friend. I slowed down by checking my facebook page and answering urgent emails. I've had so little time for that lately.

I told Natalie that I wanted to write a blog post and asked her to hold Anaya. She happily and cheerfully held her, suctioning her every few minutes as she is very wet. Natalie actually had fun with Anaya and the Suction Machine. She would put it in her mouth and Anaya would bite down on it and close her lips, and Natalie would laugh her bubbley heart out. I smiled and kept writing. I stopped to take a picture for you to see.



Tomorrow I need to find a vehicle to get Anaya to her appointments and to get around. I will also need some volunteers for the next week or so who want to give Anaya and I a hand - I can't drive alone with her legally - - or morally. Someone either has to drive or sit in the back with Anaya to ensure she's ok and doesn't need to be suctioned and isn't turning blue. I would also like to hang out with friends that love me and would like to spend time with Anaya and I. We have time. I'm going to also be doing computer work and web design for a few hours each day because I have not been able to focus well on my work and the bills still need to be paid. Thank God for the help that Anaya's supporters have been giving her towards our needs and her needs!

If anyone would like to provide any additional help or support to Anaya and I while we are alone here in Vancouver (Burnaby), please e-mail Natalie deGoey at natalie.degoey@gmail.com and she will help to organize, as I have NO NURSING SUPPORT AT ALL and will be 24 hours 1 on 1 with my little love.

I should tell you that Anaya did not seem to take much notice of the commotion going on around her. She had a decent day, although she struggled a bit with wet secretions. I hesitate to dry her out too much though - because a bit wet is better than a bit dry. She is content. She had alert moments and certainly enjoyed playing the suction game with Natalie. She has some pain but we've been giving her painkillers to help make her life more comfortable. I can't stand to see her in distress.

I'm certain that there is still so much more to say but I've been writing for well over an hour now and I think I'm tired. LOL.

Love to you all. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you to Katie and to Seana and to Natures Path and to Natalie and Geoff, to the Dr's and nurses, and cleaning staff, and the friendly maintenance guy, thank you to the lady that made my coffee and the woman who asked to pet the dog. <3 - Camara

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Hospital Day 9 (i think)



Time moves in waves here. There are moments of absolute chaos and moments of quiet hissing stillness. Anaya almost died this week. It was intense. By some miracle she has recovered and has stabilized. I am SO glad :) I love having my little teacher around and I will take care of her as long as she wants to stay.

I'm not going to spend forever filling you in on all the bureaucratic BS that is my day to day existence here as everyone tries to figure out what to "Do" with us. But I will fill you in on the highlights. It's gonna be point form because I'm exhausted.

1. The nurses, doctors, OT's, PT's and Palliative Team from Canuck place are all women except for 2 men. That is quite the ratio on this unit! Seriously though. The room will be filled with 10 women and 1 man. Shows how far women have come in medicine.

2. Every single one of them has been kind and wonderful to work with. They all struggle with the red tape as much as anyone else does.

3. I have gotten to see lots of my old high school friends here in Vancouver as they have come to meet my beautiful baby, and reconnect and it's been lovely.

4. I've made some new friends that I find so much love and comfort in their presence. They include Lisa Fedorak, Cameron Stewart, John the Bear,Carey Stacey, Karla, Dr. Jen, Soon to be Dr. Stephanie and Melanie Skolovy-Brodi
YOU ALL ROCK MY WORLD and I am so glad to have you in it.

5. I met another "Camara" she works at Canuck place. ha!

6. You can buy roses made of feathers. Who knew right?

7. Hospitals are NOT the place for healthy 9 year olds. Solara is bound and determined to help me through this difficult time be distracting me with her dramatic antics(ARRGGGHH!!!)I'm about ready to sell tickets to her show. LOL

Well, Here's to Anaya! I'm hittin the hay with my little love cuddled close to my heart.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Hospital Day 5

My sweet baby girl is having a rough time.
It seems like we are getting closer to the day she'll get her wings and fly to heaven.It was a long drive down here. I had to come alone, suctioning her every five minutes - while driving and reading a map. I decided to bring Anaya here because there was a lot of family stress in our house, and I was also exhausted from doing most of the nursing of the previous 10 days by myself. Anaya had been having tons of Apnea or "Apneic events" that had me really concerned as she appears to be uncomfortable and in pain. She needs special care and I'm at the end of my rope.

I wanted to get a respite stay at Canuck Place. It's a lovely hospice for palliative kids in Vancouver, but it's hard to get into. So I came to the Children's hospital for them to Assess Anaya and hopefully get some respite.

Initially it was very difficult here. I told the nurses and Dr's that Anaya cannot be left alone because she sometimes stops breathing or needs frequent suctioning so that she doesn't choke - but they just thought I was being an overprotective mother. So I had hardly any nursing support- i had to beg for them to watch her so that i could go get food or take a shower.

Then they did an oxygen and breathing study on her called an oxymetry. She stopped breathing 373 times in a 12 hour period, long enough for her oxygen levels to go way down, and her heart rate would drop too. Now Anaya has 1 to 1 nursing care (her own nurse). So that I dont have to be nursing her 24 hours a day.

The Dr's are very concerned about her breathing. They suggested we do a study on a steady dose of O2 to see how it would help her. It was a good improvement. She only stopped breathing 33 times and her oxygen levels did not get too low. We discussed the Bi-pap option and it was explained throughly to me how it would actually worsen Anaya's condition. Because she has excessive secretions, the bi-pap would allow more fluid to build up in her lungs, causing lung trauma and pneumonia. It could actually make her life shorter and more uncomfortable. Now that is an explanation that I can understand.

We also talked about pain management. The Palliative team suggested some strong narcotics to help Anaya through her painful spasms. Then I had another Dr. come in and tell me to be prepared for Anaya to stop breathing and die if we used those narcotics....wow was I ever upset. It turns out that it was a mis-communication and that the drugs are safe, they will not kill her inadvertently.

We have had lots of amazing visitors. Friend of mine from high school have been very supportive. Some of Anaya's special milky mama's from the lower mainland have also visited and brought milk, food and love! I'm so very grateful for all of the support. It's difficult to be here but I know that I am doing what is right for Anaya. To get her the help and support she needs.

I don't really know how we are going to get home when we get discharged (whenever that may be)...my van is in rough shape. I can't trust it to make it around the block - let alone 400km. If anyone knows someone who might be able to help with the transmission in a chevy venture van 2004 or of ANY other options please let me know as soon as you can. I'm available on my cell phone at 250 -509 -0593 or you can email me at maraglow @ gmail.com and I will respond as soon as I can.

Thank you and God Bless

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

BC Children's Hospital



We arrived here. The BC childrens/ womens hospital is a MAZE! I feel like a mouse that has to memorize the little twists and turns. It is not easy to find things here. Good thing they hand out maps at the front.

It's been a crazy long day that I want to fill you in on but I'm too tired.

Suffice it to say that Anaya is doing well. She is not having any health deterioration at the moment. We are here to get a full assessment and access resources for her that we cannot get in Nelson.

We are looking into Bi-pap apnea support and also pain relief/management and physiotherapy support - as well as how to get aids for her such as a wheelchair and special car seat.

I've been so busy taking care of her the last few days that I've let myself get run down. I really need some help and support. I could really use a break. I need sleep. I need a kid-free day. I really hope we can get into "Canuck Place". http://www.canuckplace.org/ It's a hospice for palliative kids here in Vancouver. They provide care so that parents of special kids can have a break from having to manage so much all the time.

I'm so exhausted. It's 1 am here and Anaya's due for a feed. They don't have the nursing resources to let me have the night off...

Thank God for friends like Kyle, Cam and Katie for being my Hero's and filling my day with awesomeness (friendship, food, phone charger, laughter and LOVE!) You guys are the best.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day!!



What a beautiful day! I have had an incredibly blessed day. It started with waking up with my two favorite little girls! I came downstairs to a perennial daylily and a home-made pin from Solara. We thought about going out to the Procter Mother's day event at the Procter Community Hall - but Anaya was having a bit of a rough time with her secretions and I thought it might be a bit stressful to be taking care of her surrounded by a hundred people.

I miss Procter. It's such a good community. It's the people I miss the most. The only time I see them now is when I'm dashing around Save-On foods or Ellisons trying to gather up groceries.

I posted a tweet about how I wished I could buy some flowers today to plant in my yard and I got showered with LOVE! Monica wrote me and brought by a gift of money from a lady who said it was for me to spend on MYSELF! (So of course I went and got flowers!) Then I was sitting out in the sun holding Anaya, with Solara sitting on the stool beside me - when a family I don't know arrived with the MOST BEAUTIFUL hanging basket of purple petunias. It's HUGE. The lovely woman introduced herself as Kara (sp?), a reader of my blog. I was blown away by her thoughtfulness and generosity.

Thank you so much!

Anaya enjoyed her time out in the sun, and now we are back inside, just to make certain that she doesn't get too much at once. I love that the sun sets so much later now, that it shines all over my yard and is encouraging the most beautiful blooming rock wall I've ever seen. I feel so happy and blessed for all of the love in my life right now. It seems like these days smiles come readily to my lips and sparkle in my heart.

I just saw a hummingbird zip past me. Apparently it is a good omen. It is said in some cultures that the hummingbird symbolizes Timeless Joy and the Nectar of Life. It is the symbol for overcoming that which seems impossible. - Quite fitting I think.

Some things seem impossible - but they are not always so, just complex. Sometimes the answer is beyond our current understanding...

My little love has grown so much. She is a little girl now. I love running my fingers through her angel silk hair....I'm going to go and hold her now. She's a bit wet in the throat and she needs me.

Happy Mothers Day to all MOMS out there! You are what makes the world go round!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Rain and Rainbows

There are moments in life that stop time. Moments that surround you completely with their vivid arms of sensory interpretation. I have moments like that quite often. Sometimes it's when I'm with Anaya and Solara, sometimes it's when I'm alone, sometimes it's when you look into the eyes of someone you've just met and find part of your soul staring back at you. Or when a friend comes over and brings you food made with love. The moment can steal up on you. Usually you don't notice it, but if you are open with your heart, and let go with your mind - they come more frequently.

I haven't slowed down much lately. In fact - I find myself so overwhelmed with things that I "have" to do that I have been missing out on moments like that. I've taken on some big projects for my home-based business and also trying to keep up on Anaya's website etc. Having realized my work-aholic attitude last week, I've started to schedule my time as to be more effective and less overwhelmed. So far I'm still behind. I'm trying like anything to catch up but there's always more. I need to find someone who can help with emails and someone who can come to my house and help me clean so that I can spend more time holding my little love.

But it's hard to schedule time for Anaya. I just want to hold her and love her every second. How can I say "These three hours everyday will be just for Anaya". It just sounds wrong to me. I need a duplicate "me" to do the work so that I can just snuggle my baby. We all wish right? I wonder if I would argue with another me. **Laughter** We'd probably both want to spend time with the baby.

Anaya has been having a rough go the last while. Her muscles in her little neck are sore and stiff. She whimpers when she is picked up. She now turns blue even when on oxygen sometimes. She seems to be unable to take a breath. She tries desperately to yawn, but her little chest muscles ignore her brain's request for air. Generally when this happens it is when she is awake. I have been watching her like a hawk, and when I see it I give her one quick puff of mouth to mouth. One puff is always enough to help her muscles remember to work. Then she starts breathing on her own. The times the are a- changing. How I've feared this stage of the progression of her disease. The time when the suffering begins to eat our beautiful moments and I'm faced with terrible decisions. The doctor says that a bi-pap machine at night for Anaya would be like having her on a ventilator. That it would be a life-support. I've always thought that we wouldn't do life support. No "heroic" measures, or crazy invasive machines will be used to keep her beautiful perfect little body alive. That was decided long ago. But where is the line? She needs a little bit of help. The occasional puff of air. The sensation of asphyxiation must be terrifying for her. My baby, my little love. What am I going to do? How am I going to survive watching my baby die?

Well it takes rain to make rainbows.

I got in trouble this week from our nursing company. They are called "Resource-ability" and they get all pissed off every time I mention the names of our nurses in my blog. I've tried to explain to them that I have a right to use the first name of my nurse if given permission from the nurse, that it in NO WAY WHATSOEVER violates their "confidentiality" policy about "Client privacy". Anaya and I ARE the client. Needless to say, there was a bit of a showdown about how Anaya's nurses are supposed to be nameless and faceless. No pictures, no names. I was definitely upset. These women are part of our family day-to day. I trust them with the life of my child. They play a HUGE role. It ended with one of our nurses taking an "Indefinite leave of Absence" which is about to become a permanent leave - how am I supposed to trust someone who ditches me without a nurse for five days? It's enough to make me want to curse publicly.

Thank God Katie is here. Katie from Texas. Katie Shutt of The HumanKindness Initiative. I'm not certain if saying her name three times is enough. This woman has the energy of a supersonic ping pong ball. Her deep throated laughter and contagious smile are seconded only by her boisterous voice that rings in my ears the way sunshine tickles my skin on a perfect day. She came from Texas on Thursday. I met her at the airport in Spokane. It was interesting to meet the face that goes with the voice I've been talking to on the phone for at least an hour every day. Initially it was weired. Like trying to sync my brain into understanding that that body, Katie's little body, is inhabited by a soul much larger, brighter and louder than any other I've ever met. Then we started talking and within the hour we were synced and comfortable. It was an incredibly quick 3 hours of driving. We have a lot to talk about. We are like twin sisters that were separated at birth (at least our spirits feel that way). I've never felt so comfortable with another woman. I feel like I have a kindred spirit, a new family member. I'm so happy about it.

The day after Katie got here we no longer had a nurse, so we've been with Anaya the whole time. Our other nurse, let's call her "Carolla" is away and won't be back until Thursday. Taking Anaya out can be difficult. She needs to travel with her oxygen, her suction, her emergency medicine and all the stuff that normal babies need. Lately I've been taking her everywhere with me as I show Katie what Canada is like here in the Kootenays. Our car seat for Anaya is a joke. It's a carseat for regular toddlers and it does not support her little body or her head in anyway that is good for her. I asked our "Physio Consultant" about the possibility of getting her a car-seat that she can actually USE and got blinked at with incredulity. So all we have is the Wal-Mart seat that she folds into like an accordion, her spine bent and to the side, her head lolling back, her legs sticking up at an angle that hurts even MY knees just to look at. She always ends up choking because her head is too far back and she can't swallow the saliva in her mouth. Then I have to pull over and suction her. It's really very awful - why the heck don't they make special car-seats for disabled children? Is my physio consultant telling me the truth? Do they really NOT exist here in BC? If anyone knows different please let me know immediately.

On a positive note - we have been having an incredible response from Anaya's Website and The Anaya Initiative. People have been sending books for the Library of Hope, wind spinners for the yard, and postcards to Solara. It's been fantastic to have those moments of joy when the mail arrives. It is something me and the girls look forward to like a child at Christmas. When a new book arrives we try to ensure they are organized to make certain that everyone gets a thank you and the books get posted on the library page, but I'm behind in it. It's just not as important as other things have been this week. I'll get to it soon enough. I'm behind in my e-mail too. So if you've emailed me and you are waiting for a response - please be patient with me.

I'm thinking of a shoulder I could cry on, but I'll end up laughing instead. There's just something too funny about stressful situations. Everybody knows who I am, what I feel. My heart is an open book. Sometimes being anonymous even for a moment takes the weight of the world off of my shoulders. I only wish I was a little stronger and could handle a little bit more. I need a little more Celtic blood I think....

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Anaya's 20 Month Birthday!




Today is Anaya's 20 month Birthday! We are so proud of her for being such a strong brave little warrior and making it this far. She has outlived the average age of death of a Krabbe baby by 7 months already!

Today we are hopefully going to get some help from a respiratory therapist. We also plan on making Anaya something special to taste...melted chocolate drop maybe?

Must run! Have a day filled with gratitude and HUG your kids!

This photograph was taken by Theresa of http://www.photographybytheresa.ca/

Monday, April 25, 2011

Sleeping beauty in color :)



Which photo do you prefer?

Anaya is doing well tonight. She's a sleepy little monkey.

Sleeping beauty :)



Brent says this picture looks "gothic". I think it highlights her eyelashes. :)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

April 23, 2011

We are home again now. It turns out Anaya has a urinary tract infection. Her painful winces might have been when she was urinating. Her breathing is still an issue. The Dr's think that her apneac spells have gotten worse. Sometimes she pauses for quite a long time. She then gets "dusky" or "blue lipped". We have been giving her oxygen and she might need a bi-pap oxygen supply. which is pressurized and would help her get a full breath.

It's late. I just wanted to write that Anaya is alright. She's on antibiotics and is sleeping soundly. I think we are meeting with a respiratory therapist this week, once our Dr. sets it up.

Anaya's at ER

We've taken Anaya to Emergency due to her breathing issues. I think we may be transferred to the children's hospital. Right now she is stable, but needs assistance. Please send your love our way.

Happy Easter Weekend from Anaya!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Photography and Massage Day!

Dear Readers,
I can't begin to tell you how exciting this period of time has been for our family. So many things that are really, really good are going on!

First of all Anaya has been happy and healthy this week and that makes everyone around here smile :)

Second of all we have received enough milk donations to keep Anaya fed for months :) There have been so many beautiful women across Canada who have offered their liquid gold to help keep Anaya alive and well. We are so incredibly grateful to them. Special thanks to the women of Nova Scotia who sent an entire deepfreeze full of milk. (There must be something wonderful in the Nova Scotian water!)

Third of all I made some incredible new friends. The paper article wrote about "A Stranger in Texas" Her actual name is Katie Shutt and she lives in Dallas Texas. Katie Shutt has been working almost full time volunteering to help make Anaya's life better. She's been calling around trying to find a motorized wheelchair for her, helping to rally breastmilk donations, and now managing some of our communications efforts. She's the founder of The HumanKindness Initiative, of which The Anaya Initiative is a part. My other new friend, Katie Edwards, is the reason why Anaya has been on the news and in the paper. She has been contacting media and others to help raise awareness about Anaya's life and needs. She has been instrumental in helping get breastmilk for the baby.

I love Katies. Katies are golden people. Just so you know.

Fourth - people have been sending books for the Library of hope and it's been incredible watching the books grow!

Fifth - I've been contacted by several organizations to look into getting Anaya a special wheelchair.

Sixth - I've been asked to create a website for a company :) (FROM HOME!)

Seventh - A photographer came here today and took pictures of Anaya and our family from "Helping Hearts" and organization that does photo shoots for sick children.

Eighth - Bodhi Day Spa donated a massage to Anaya and she LOVED IT!

You probably don't want me to keep counting my blessings out loud but there's so many! I think I'll save some for another post!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Anaya in her Stander today



Anaya is doing well. Just this past week we finally got to use her Stander at home. It is just what it's name implies. It holds her body in a supported standing position. She really seems to like it and we notice her secretions are not as bad when she's in it.

I hope to write an entry to fill you in on what is going on with us later today.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Rainbow Tree

Sweet Angel,
We are rocking gently back and forth in our chair. I am looking out the window darling, and I can see your Rainbow Tree. The colors dance and spin in the wind for you my love.

Oh my baby, how you would delight in the magic of it. I can imagine your smile. I can almost hear your baby laughter. My mind sees a little girl in pigtails, toddling around the tree. Picking her first flowers, she say's "Flowah, Mama!" She would see the pink pinwheel and I would blow in the pinwheel and show her how it spins. That liitle girl is you love. Oh baby, Anaya, sweetheart, I love you so much. Please stay here with me a while longer. Your daddy and your sister and I love the lessons you teach us each day. My brave girl. I know you work so hard. Sometimes even breathing is hard. I am here darling and I will always help you as best as I can. I love each breath you take. Just to feel your warm little self snuggled against my heart is enough for me. I will always keep you, my little love, close to my heart.

Your sister has arrived. She's got kisses for you! Let's go put your new dragonfly out in the Garden together.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

April 12, 2011

It is a beautiful day here. The sun is streaming in the window. Anaya has already been outside for her walk. The flowers of spring are showing their colors everywhere. I love spring bulbs. There don't seem to be any in our yard at our new house. It's probably something I'll tweak this year :)

It's been so busy this week. I have been working very hard at keeping up with milk donation e-mailing and building Anaya's site, and working on finding more jobs for Nelson Staffing. I completed my paperwork anyways, and now I find a moment of space to blog. My head is hurting and I think I need a Tylenol.

Last night I took Solara to her second soccer practice ever. I've never played soccer before and I dressed her wrong. I put the shin guards on over the socks. When we got there she was the only one in Hawaiian shorts, with hot pink shiny shin guards. We were a few minutes late due to Anaya having a rough moment and Solara got the Evil Eye from the coach (who doesn't know about Anaya - I was going to tell him but they were already in the middle of practicing). So anyways, I'm sitting behind this glass window with the other moms watching Solara practice in the soccerdome. I sat alone. No one really said "Hi" to me. I didn't know anyone. I smiled at some of the moms and they looked at me askance.

I looked down at myself. I was wearing old sweatpants, a t-shirt and a comfy sweater covered in dirt because I just moved a large rock in Anaya's Garden. I know I have huge bags under my eyes, no makeup on and my hair is undone and windblown. In my world I don't have time for worrying about that kind of surface stuff some days. I just take care of Anaya, work, take care of Solara, do housework, and collapse into a chair to check my e-mail and work on getting milk donations to feed my "palliative" baby.

What do I have to say to these moms? How do I act? "Hi, I'm Camara - I know I look scary right now, but there's a good reason for it. I'm really a very nice person who could use some new friends. Which kid is yours? Mine is the one dressed funny with the shin-guards on the wrong way."

God. I just sat there. Maybe I need a makeover or something.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Sunday, April 10, 2011

April 10, 2011

A bit about birds, Anaya and Stemcells...

The time flies by like a flock of migrating birds. Spring is here and the birds are coming back from the far reaches of the south and are heading to Northern BC to the Wetlands for the summer.

On our walks Anaya can hear the birds. Her eyes open wide and dart from side to side. I know she wonders what on earth each sound is. The honking of Canadian geese, the caw of a crow, the chirps of the little birds - when she is awake she is aware of each one.

Yesterday we put Anaya in her stander at home for the first time. After a few minor adjustments it fit her unique little body. She was so wide awake and curious. She didn't cry or express discomfort at all. We placed the stander in the living room by the television and turned on Saturday morning cartoons. She got to listen to an episode of "Martha Speaks" a children's show. I think she liked it. After a while we took her out and fed her breakfast. A tube-worthy smoothie of fresh apples and bananas with prune juice mmmmm. She is just so awake and aware the last few days. I love it when she is like this. I spend every moment I can with her - once my work is done that must be done.

When I see her like this it gives me hope. Hope that perhaps Anaya will be the miracle Krabbe baby. Hope that the thousands of prayers that have been said in her name to God will be heard, and acted upon. I recently found out that breastmilk contains 3 different kinds of Stem Cells. Anaya is benefiting from the milk of many healthy mothers who do not have the genetic deficiency that I do within regards to the GALC gene.
Is it possible that this gift of breastmilk may save her life? Here are somee articles about research done in Australia and India.


Dr. Mark Cregan from Australia confirmed the presence of putative stem-like cells in human milk in a research study in 2008.

A pleuropotent cell is capable of developing into many types of tissue.



Research details
Researchers conducted pilot study in two Kolhapur hospitals on 25 newborn babies suffering from various diseases.

Under the trial, scientists gave colostrum stem cells isolated from the breast milk that is produced during the first five days after birth to the babies.

These were given in cultured medium of 5 ml containing 5 to 10 million cells, and the duration of the therapy varied depending upon the recovery.

Study results
Results revealed that all the 25 babies showed a speedy recovery after being given colostrums.

Researchers further estimated that in the first five days of breastfeeding, a newborn gets about 5 million stem cells per kg body weight each day.

As is known, colostrums contain about 50,000 cells per ml. As the milk matures, these go down to just 50 to 100 cells per ml.

Furthermore, researchers found that stem cells could be used to help treat spinal injuries, diabetes and even Parkinson’s disease in infants.

Besides, certain neonatal diseases like neonatal sepsis, respiratory diseases and others could also be cured if these stem cells were isolated from human milk.

Financial Chronicle quoted Patki as saying, “We will seek permission from Indian Council of Medical Research to carry out 100 trials each in Kolhapur, Pune, Mumbai and Delhi.”

Patki and study-colleague Dr. Ramesh Bhonde, NCCS stated that the team is certain of creating an oral drug for babies in three years’ time after approval from Drug Controller General of India (DCGI).

The research will be published in the journal Human Cell.


Here is another article
An Australian scientist has discovered that human breast milk contains stem cells. This is an exciting discover since stem cell harvesting is a hotly contested debate. Dr. Mark Cregan is confident that within five years scientists will be harvesting stem cells from breast milk to research treatment for diseases like diabetes and Parkinson’s.

This also further supports the benefits of breastfeeding and Cregan is also excited about the new doors that this could open about the potency of breastmilk.

Cregan believes breastmilk contains key markers that guide an infant’s development all the way into adulthood. “We already know how breast milk provides for the baby’s nutritional needs, but we are only just beginning to understand that it probably performs many other functions,” says Dr Cregan, a molecular biologist at The University of Western Australia.

Cregan’s team cultured cells from human breast milk and found a population that tested positive for the stem cell marker, nestin. Further analysis showed that a side population of the stem cells were of multiple lineages with the potential to differentiate into multiple cell types. Meaning the cells could potentially be “reprogrammed” to form many types of human tissue.


Cregan’s team have shown the cells have all the physical characteristic of stem cell. The next step for the team is to see if they behave like stem cells.

If these cells do behave like stem cells, Cregan and his team have made a great discovery in finding an ethical way to harvest stem cells, rather than harvesting them from human embryos.






I found them by google keywords "Stemcells in Breastmilk"

If you know anyone willing to spare a few ounces of colustrum, it may really help Anaya!

There are many moms in the USA wanting to ship milk and Colustrum to Anaya but the shipping costs are high. Please help Anaya by donating a few dollars using the Donate Now button. Thank you with all my heart.





Solara, Buddha and I walk by lake

Sunday, April 3, 2011

April 3, 2011

Last night I lay awake listening to Anaya's breathing. Lately it has become more shallow, more labored. She's been needing oxygen almost 24 hours a day. I was hoping that she would not need it after recovering from her recent illness, but she does. This makes me wonder about her brain function. Is the demylination spreading more into her brain stem? Is she drawing closer to the end of her journey? How many breaths do we have left?

I take her in my arms and kiss her cheeks, reveling in the incredible softness found only there. How can I memorize the feeling? Touching her hand, I feel her chubby little fingers close around mine, and she sighs contentedly. She knows her mama. She's always known her mama. Holding her I walk to the sunshine coming through the window. We stand in the warmth and I hum to her, singing her a sunshine song. We named her after the Sun. "Aya" was an ancient sun god. An- Aya. Perhaps we presumed too much.

She is wide awake now, eyes open, seeking for light that isn't there. I nestle her safely in the crook of my arms and rock her way down and then way up like a swing. When I get to the top her eyes open wide and I see a smile in her eyes. It's like an Anaya-safe version of being thrown up in the air.

Sensing that she has had enough I snuggle her to my shoulder and we press our hearts near each other and melt in the wonder that is the baby-mama bond. How many more days will I get to be with her? The answer is unknowable. I try to focus on the present and enjoy the moments. All the little things still call away my attention. Housework, yard work, business, Solara...even on a Sunday.

I pass my little snuggle bug to the nurse and head upstairs to work on some data entry. I have a deadline to meet in a few days....

Saturday, April 2, 2011

April 2, 2011

http://www.cbc.ca/video/#/News/Canada/BC/1258521056/ID=1866010799

If you click the link above you can see Anaya on the news last night :) She had a pretty good day yesterday, and slept well last night.

Solara and Brent are in the kitchen making sausages and eggs. I'm so hungry and excited. I love Saturday morning breakfast :)

The freezer that was donated to Anaya doesn't work. We really need a deepfreeze. More milk is on it's way next week. Hopefully we will get a freezer worked out before then!

Anaya this morning.