December 22, 2010

I haven't been sleeping well lately. It's not Anaya's fault. I find I just wake up for no reason around 3 am, again at 4, again at 5. This is new to me. I've always been a person who finds comfort in sleep - and I can sleep deeply even when being ever vigilant for Anaya's well being. It could be related to the change of hormones I seem to be experiencing because I'm no longer able to pump milk for Anaya.

When we came back from Calgary my milk decided to dwindle to almost nothing. Pumping was torturously slow and painful. I decided it was a good 10 months of pumping. I stopped taking my oodles of breast milk supplements and Motilium...and my milk simply dissappeered. Even though I haven't pumped now in days I have not experienced any engorgement or soreness. My body was ready to be done with the pump. I'm fortunate that Anaya has donors to help feed her, because she's still on a breast milk only diet.

Since I stopped taking the supplements and pumping I have experienced the worst depression I've ever felt. Every single emotional tear that I somehow kept at bay over the past 10 months has decided to leak out. I find it difficult to be positive, difficult to stay in the moment. I think too much about the future and imagine worst-case scenarios regarding Anaya's death. I've never been so sad or felt so hopeless. The thing is that I know it's illogical. Nothing has really changed. Anaya is doing well right now. I think this must be an emotional down-time caused by my body's abrupt hormonal change. I'm eating healthy and trying to get myself re-balanced. I'm hoping that the bright side is gonna shine through any day now.

The only other thing that has changed is that Anaya's father, Brent, got laid off from his job at Hellman Canoes. He's been building Canoes since May, out of wood and fibreglass. It was supposed to be a year round job - but right before Christmas they "ran out of work". Having more financial strain at Christmas time has not been pleasant. I'm trying to help Brent find work and currently I have him working for me doing odd jobs for my new temp agency. He has lots of skills. He's an educated welder, he knows gold and silver smithing, he's an amazing artist, he can cook an amazing meal and has experience as a line cook, and he can labor with the best of them. One of the things I love about Brent is that he is sparing with his words. He talks quietly and usually only after contemplation. His presence is calming. So if you know of any work in the Nelson Area that might be perfect for Brent, please let me know.

Anaya has been up and down this week with recovering from the cold that had her hospitallized last week. Sometimes her breathing sounds just awful...like wheez, snap, crackle, pop, bubble, and I worry about pneumonia. Other times she sounds clear and her lips and cheeks are a perfect pink. She's only had a couple of rough nights and otherwise has been sleeping well. Sometimes I worry about her sleeping so much. A few days this week she slept pretty much all day and all night. After the second day I started worrying about it. Wondering if her time was closer than I thought, wondering if she was going to slip into some kind of coma - but it didn't happen. She was awake and alert the next day. Perhaps she just needed rest to get over her cold.

Brent's parents, Marlene and Phil, are arriving today from Calgary to be here for Christmas. We have never had Christmas at our house before and it's something that I feel a bit uncertain about. I don't have any special traditions yet...I guess we'll have to come up with some. My mom passed away of a heart attack on Christmas eve when I was a teenager. Since then I've been struggling with enjoying Christmas, but the last couple of years have been better. Christmas is supposed to be a time of fun, cheer, laughter, good food and family. It's best for children - you should see what I got Anaya and Solara! I promise I'll post pictures after Christmas day.

Damn I forgot to mail the Christmas cards :(

Okay I must go finish that project and get them in the mail immediately. Three days till Christmas and..oh my... I feel like a flake for forgetting that. My friend Grant is coming to visit today. He's bringing milk from Calgary and he's also brining the power generator that has been generously donated to Anaya by some wonderful people. We will never be without power for Anaya's suction machine ever again. :) We are so thankful.

As a Christmas gift to those of you who love Anaya I am posting the link to our photo gallery from our recent photo shoot with Short and Sweet photography. I hope you enjoy it - it's a beautiful slideshow of Anaya and I, and my grandparents.

Link to Anaya's Photoshoot