November 9, 2010

I sometimes wonder what Anaya would be doing right now if she were a normal baby. Other babies her age are walking, dancing, eating solid foods and speaking their first words. While everyone else grows up - Anaya stays the same. Right now she is snuggled up in my left arm while I type with my right hand. She breathes, she mews, once in a while her little legs tense up. This is the same behaviour as 6 months ago.

I had the privilege of holding a newborn the other day. She put her hand in her mouth and sucked on her fingers. Anaya cannot move her hand to her mouth - nor suck. I wonder if she remembers any different. Sometimes in her sleep her little tongue moves like a baby nursing. I wonder if she dreams of nursing. I wonder if her dreams are sighted. When someone goes blind do they still dream in images? I would think so.

Anaya slept well last night - she was able to communicate to me that she was uncomfortable by letting out a little cry every minute or so. I changed her position and the little cries stopped and she slept soundly all night. Around 3 am I awoke to the sound of laboured breathing - so I turned on the vapour nebulizer and held the mist to her face. She breathed it in her sleep and her breathing became easier after about 10 minutes. Then I tried to go back to sleep.

It can be difficult to fall asleep once you are fully awake. My mind filled with to-do lists in preparation for the coming day and I started to feel anxiety. I remembered from previous experience that this can spiral into a panic attack. So I stopped thinking about stuff and sang kids songs in my head. I fell asleep sing-song counting in french. Now that I'm awake I dont even remember the song. Funny that.

Now we are up and my thoughts swirl again. When a mama looks at her baby does she ever see the flaws? I suppose we see them - but with unconditional love. Staring gently at her angelic face I wonder if there is a more beautiful baby anywhere on earth. Her eyebrows sit like golden arches over her mossy hazel eyes. Each eyelash curls in lengthy beauty up and to the side. Her delicate little button nose is the perfect spot to kiss, sitting just above her plump little lips.

Today is a perfect day for a snuggle and a cup of tea. In a week and a day we leave for the hospital. I'm striving to make each moment a perfect memory. Giving to my little love all the gentle stimulating experiences I can imagine. I gave her a drop of fresh pressed apple juice on her tongue the other day. Oh how she loved it! Her eyes widened and her little tongue licked her lips. Perhaps I shall find another drop of something interesting today.