Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Misty Kootenay Days

The clouds swirl over the mountain tops. Trees are lost in the white blur, the sky is not blue, but white and grey. Thunder rolls overhead and the sky dumps buckets of water down upon Nelson. The air is crisp and clean. Scents of spring hang in the air. Damp earth, wet grass, dripping lilacs, all combine to form a heady scent of life.

Buddha (our dog) runs before me and I brush a tendril of loose hair from my face that has become plastered to my forehead in the rain. He looks back at me and wags his tail, scampering ahead, hoping this will be a longer walk than just a few blocks.

"I'm sorry buddy" I say. "We've got to go back soon." He looks up at me with his kind, wise brown eyes and I swear he knows what I just said. His ears droop, his tail sags and he puts on his pouty face. We head back.

Walking past homes of those yet met, hosts of unknown families know nothing of me and mine. What I wouldn't give some days to be anonymous. The fact is that I am who I am, and you are who you are, I wouldn't change anything about my life given a choice. Anaya is the best teacher I've had in this life, with her help I have grown into a woman of compassion, confidence and love. It's just that sometimes it's nice to have a conversation with people that isn't about how Anaya is doing. A conversation that is organic, evolved and engaging. Don't get me wrong. I love to talk about my babies too...

Stepping over a black slug I stop and take notice of this fragile, beautiful and destructive creature. It does not notice me and carries forth, slowly. It takes it's time. Sometimes I rush things, especially when I make a decision. Once I've decided to take action - the next step is taking ACTION LOL. Get-er-done is one of my sayings. I love the feeling of accomplishment when something is complete, whole and beautiful in the moment. I am happy to say that Anaya and I are comfortable now in our little house. My friend John has really helped me out over the past couple of weeks with organizing the place, making it functional and beautiful. He's also organized some helpers to give me a hand too - which is wonderful. A young lady named April is my key Angel. I think her and I will be good friends.

I met April at the fundraiser held last week by the Bodhi Spa. The fundraiser was a surprise to me. I knew that Monica was doing a draw for a massage prize but I didn't know that there was an event until a few days before. It was funny. I ran into people downtown Nelson who said "Hey - tell me about your event on Sunday" and I was like "What do you mean? What event on Sunday?" It was kind of awkward but I hadn't been on facebook in a few days and I guess that's what happens when you tune out. I called Monica and she filled me in.

It turned out to be a lovely event. Anaya and I attended with John. We met lots of lovely people who had love in their hearts for Anaya. She was the star of the afternoon. Monica took some lovely shots of her.

I sat and talked with everyone about Anaya. About her illness, about her terminal prognosis, about my feelings on death and dying. All around me was sadness and compassion and love, but the sadness had a weight to it and the grief hit me hard. I attempted to move through it, overcoming the urge to cry and run away. There is no running away from grief. It always catches you. I pretended a smile for a moment...not wanting to cause anyone undue concern. Picking up Anaya I held her head to my lips and breathed in her soft baby smell, feeling the silkiness of her hair on my chin. "I love you sweetheart" I whisper to her and the feeling of love blossoms strongly in my heart. Reminding me all over again that the pain is worth the love.

The years spent with Brent were similar. There was love. There was pain. There was forgiveness and effort, more pain,grief, more love. It seemed a cycle of insanity that eventually caused me only pain. When the pain begins to affect others and affect children the love falls apart. The seams had been splitting for quite a while.

Things are calmer now. My home feel safe and warm, cozy and welcoming. The spring rain has awakened the yard. Lushness envelops us. Buddha and I climb the stairs into the house. Opening the door the scent of cleanliness hits me and I am overwhelmed by gratitude towards the lovely ladies who volunteered time this week to help me maintain our home. The phone is ringing - It's Solara. I talk to her several times each day. She's very happy back in Calgary with her father and her old friends. I love to hear the smile in her voice. I know it was the right thing to do - to have her stay there for a while. But I miss her and my heart aches without her good night hugs.

My little love lays beside me on the couch. She is snuffley tonight - meaning that she cannot seem to breathe through her nose. This makes things difficult for her but I've been suctioning out her mouth and nostrils and it helps a bit. She got to hang out with her Grandma and Grandpa Scott today and her daddy. He has a few days off and has been spending lots of time with her over here. He's been gracious and helpful - bringing the best parts of himself to our fledgling friendship. I hope to bring the best parts of myself too...but mistrust arises and I struggle with it. I do the best I can to be the best parent to Anaya that I can be, the best parent to Solara that I can be.....the best ME I can be!!!

To end I say
"Do not go gently into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light" - Dylan Thomas.


  1. Beautiful Glimpse into your Life. Thank You once again!

  2. Always so captivated by your beautiful words of honesty. Your writings are filled with love, compassion, hope, conviction and a level of sensitivity all your readers/followers/friends feel. You are a wonderful mother. A wonderful mother. I thought it was worth repeating. Your two lovies are truly blessed to have YOU as their Mama. With all our love, XOXO

    Jacqueline, Darrin & Blake

  3. Your writing, as always, is stunning. Thank you, thank you for sharing so much with your readers. You are a strong, amazing woman and an incredible mother. Simply amazing. I've said this many times before and will continue to say it - you inspire me! Thank you for that! Much love. Seana

  4. I will steal the 3rd picture too. How beautiful she is ..with those big precious eyes!!

  5. I dont know how, but I've missed a couple of posts and was glad to see this one pop up on my page. I am so happy for your newly found peacefulness as far as your relationship goes. From my divorce I can tell you that a few things you said hit home and I felt that rush of gratitude I felt in my heart that I remember feeling at the beginning of my "new" life. Its amazing feeling. You and Brent are both to be admired for your view and actions regarding yor split - it's nice to see.
    Your feelings about Anaya's mortality- I had a similar day today about Brittany's and journaled it in her caringbridge journal. I was not as eloquent as you were - I was feeling a lot of anger. This all hurts SO much and isnt fair and I hate it. If Im not angry about the injustice of it, I begin to feel the sadness - and the sadness can swallow me whole. Im not even sure I make sense anymore when trying relate what Im saying. I wish I had your clarity. It simply sucks to love where absolutely everything else in your life is - and then have this horrible thing hanging over your loved ones.
    I admire how you manage and deal with it all.

  6. God bless you.. Such a beautiful post..

  7. I've been following your blog since my sister donated milk a few months ago and I bawled after watching your story on the news... I still tear up over almost every post! I've had some health challenges with my son who will be 2 and a half this month and I always thought the worst of every hospital admission, every dose of sabutimol, etc. I look at him after reading every one of your entries and I hug him and cry. He thinks I'm crazy but God bless the little bugger, he humours me and returns the bear hug. You have tought me to look at the small things and the beautiful things. I look at life through my child's eyes now, not just with him. When he kills an ant, I celebrate his excitement with him... and then wash his hands!

    Please continue to enlighten and show us the true meaning of life, love and beauty. The world could use more people like you and Anaya. I think that little girl really does know how many people she's really helped change and teach and she's fighting so she can continue to do so!

    Much love from the Maritimes!!

  8. Remember that the sadness that you sometimes feel around you is really just the wish of others that they could do more to help. You are one amazing Mother with an even more amazing little girl. Smile through the sadness and know that it comes from Love and you are so right when you said that love is pain and worth it.
    Have a wonderful day with lots of Love and Snuggles :)
    Krista & Tiia


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