Never Not Broken
So, I had a pretty intense experience this morning, and I wanted to share it with all of you, as you have been so immensely supportive of Camara and Anaya over the last little while, and I found it to be extremely powerful and timely!
Jennifer Williams was kind enough to come over this morning to hang out while I went to a yoga class... I have a very regular practice that is central to my life and a big way that I manage stress and anxiety, and I have been feeling the loss of it the last couple of weeks, with wanting to give all my energy to Camara and Anaya... I realized the other day that if I am running myself ragged, I am not going to be able to keep giving them everything they need and deserve, and I think balance is important in all aspects of life, but possibly more so in the most trying of times!! I have grown up watching my mother be an entirely selfless caregiver, and it isn't the right way to go through life - "me" matters too, and helps you be more effective and helpful to others! Anyways... I decided I needed to re-focus and get centred, so I could come back raring to go, so I went to a Hatha class with one of my favorite instructors (Julie Peters, of East Vancouver Yoga Studio and Yyoga), knowing that I might be a bit of a wreck, but that it could only do me good.
No sooner do I sit down on my mat, than she starts speaking in her wonderfully soothing voice (she does poetry slam too, people... she is amazing), about this "new goddess" that she recently learned about. I don't think the goddess is new (haha), but it was new to her, and certainly to me... I will try to sum it up as best I can, and there is a link to a lecture at the bottom of this email that goes into more detail.
So this goddess is called Akhilandeshwari, which loosely translates as "Never Not Broken"... when you break down those words, they really mean "Always Broken".... at first this sounds very sad... but Julie went on to explain that what this goddess has to teach us is that "to be broken is its own kind of wholeness"... rather than be contained by a "limiting completeness", she is able to use her constant state of breaking apart to continuously reinvent herself, and wrap herself into whatever shape is required to survive or thrive under any circumstances. This idea kind of spoke to me of my dear friend... my soul sister Camara... but it gets better....
The instructor goes on... "so Akhilandeshwari has this RIDE...", and we all giggle a bit... "and her ride is a Crocodile", we giggle some more... but we aren't laughing for long... or at least I'm not, because the next thing she says starts the tears just streaming down my face....
"and the crocodile represents our reptile brain... the center of our fear." The great thing about this goddess, is that instead of giving in to fear, or instead of pretending that fear doesn't exist - of "conquering it", and sending it away from her (which we all know you can't REALLY do, even if you think you have for a little while)... she freaking RIDES on it... she harnesses it, and she uses it, and it becomes part of her power. It flows with her and is a part of her, and it makes her strong.
By this point I'm trying to choke back audible sobs, and I'm feeling like this story is just speaking directly to my soul, as if a window has somehow opened up into my life, and this voice is speaking directly into the depths of what I need to hear in order to keep going. I mean, as if this goddess doesn't speak to who Camara is, and the way that she has turned this devastating situation into a chance to make a positive impact on the world. She takes that fear that she feels about losing her baby and turns into something vengeful and powerful and AWESOME (and I'm using the real meaning of that word here, not the surf-lingo version)... well, she does... and she has, and she IS. No matter what struggles she has gone through in her life (and there have been a few, not the least of which is mothering a very sick child), she always seems to take it under her skin, and use it not as a crutch, but as a way of moving forward into the world with more strength and compassion than any one woman should be capable of... all of these shattering experiences have been part of her path, and made her into the incredible person she now is... and that so many people are touched by, and moved to offer help and support to.
For me, Baby Anaya is the catalyst, and you can't help but love her in all her softness and sweet beauty... but Mama Camara is the power and the fury, and the righteous anger that creates real change in the world. She could so easily have kept her struggles and her fears to herself, and gone along in isolation, grieving for her child, but instead she is fighting.... fighting SO HARD every day to give Anaya and Solara the best POSSIBLE life... a life which includes almost constant hope and determination... and the ability to laugh through tears (or to laugh so hard it BRINGS you to tears)... and she is sharing it with all of us, every day... sharing her struggles... her heartache and her joy... and most commendably, she is asking for HELP! She has reminded us all that we are not alone, and that there ARE people in the world that will do anything to help a friend, neighbor, or total stranger! She has renewed our faith in humanity, and our sense of right and wrong...
I could go on for days, but I just felt the need to share with you the realization that I had about the person that Camara is (I always knew it, but this goddess finally brought it all together for me), and thank everyone who has contributed time, money, thoughts, prayers, energy, food, cars, milk, etc and especially love. It helps so much more than you could ever realize, and as time goes on she is going to continue to need your support, but I know she is also going to continue to surprise us all with her strength, and her ability to be "Never Not Broken", and show us all what it means to be a warrior!!
Here is the link to the seminar about the Shaktipat goddesses, if you're interested in a more 'expert' take on Akhilandeshwari and her crocodile ride...
A Message from Anaya's Fan Adriana Araujo Curvo
I've just woke up and run here (to Facebook - The Anaya Initative), because I think of this family often. And I had this message in my dream: we all want to help Anaya's family... and no doubt Camara needs to get some care time to herself, like the massage someone set-up for today, and I believe if Camara gets at least 2-3 massages a week it will make wonders to her body and make her refreshed and renewed to have more energy and calmness to give it to her Baby Girl that WE ALL ADORE. I believe we all mommys know how hard it is to deal with a sick child when he/she gets a cold or a fussy tummy and it drains all our energy and I can only imagine, how much Anaya needs her mommy feeling 100% to give her baby girl a 100% of her.
I know we all want to help and money wise many of us probably struggle with only 1 income coming in... but if everyone could give $10 I dont think it will hurt our pockets, but many $10 together will turn into a decent amount that Camara could use to pay for her expenses while here in Vancouver.
But to make it work. We could set up ONE DAY, Tomorrow May 23, for this donation to be made in this matter. And at the end of the day, we'll see how many have helped and take this weight off Camara shoulders. Any thoughts?
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