Christmas was a festive event this year. Brent's parents are here and Anaya and Solara were spoiled with love and gifts Christmas day. Brent and I cooked an amazing dinner of turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and veggies. Poor Anaya could only smell the delicious smells, and didn't get to taste it - but I'm hoping that next Christmas we will be able to blend her up some dinner in the blender and feed her some too. It's about ten days from now that we will be able to start her on her new diet.
We got a special blender that really pulverizes things and we are going to mix some real food in with the breast milk. I think we will start with some of baby's first foods including banana and avocado and try to include some fresh fruit and veggie juices. We will sprout some seeds and give her living greens as well as including coconut oil and maybe some raw goats milk. The last time we tried goats milk it ended badly - but she was quite young and I'm wondering if she will tolerate it better now that her digestive system is a bit more mature. We need to be careful about what we feed her. We have a nutritionist on our team to help us ensure she gets everything she needs.
Yesterday I ended up in the hospital for half the day because I had symptoms of meningitis. My neck and shoulders hurt really bad, I had a violent headache and my pupils were dilated really huge. The doc in emergency insisted on doing a bunch of tests including a lumbar puncture (spinal tap)and blood work. It was frightening and hurt. The great news is that I don't have any kind of infection in my spine, or elsewhere and that for some reason my pupils were big for an unknown reason. Today my pupils are normal, my neck doesn't hurt nearly as bad. Thank goodness.
When I was waiting in emergency for all the test results to come back I thought "Oh no - I can't be sick! Who will take care of the baby if I have to stay here for a week?" Brent assured me that he would be fine taking care of her, but I still had anxiety about not being able to be there for her if she needed me. Thank god I'm home now and there's nothing wrong with me.
My friend Lisa gave me a ride home last night from the hospital and we talked about Anaya and how my outlook has changed recently. I've become less positive, less accepting of what is. I don't know why or what changed. I only know that sometimes I get so sad and angry that Anaya doesn't get a chance to play and express herself. I get mad at whatever fate cast her this lot. Lisa reminded me that this is Anaya's life and that we can't place our expectations on her life. She's right - but still sometimes the feelings come up and perhaps just acknowledging them will be enough to help let them go. Thank you Lisa for the ride and the kind words.