We are back at home now. Anaya is recovering from her cold slowly but surely. She is really gurgley in her throat this morning- though she slept through the night without a problem.
I sometimes wonder to myself about how strong I really am. Today I feel like life is beating me with a stick. I woke up sad and angry. I wept silently while I showered. I feel muddied, unclear, overwhelmed and helpless to save my baby. Brent would say I'm feeling sorry for myself and I ought to quit. My puddle of self-defeating thoughts is really quite a sight in my minds eye. It's more like a cold dark lake with scary weeds that grasp, and violent waves. Sometimes I don't see a way out of it - I just keep swimming. Other times I find myself on a sunny shore admiring the beauty of it.
In any case I can't sit here thinking about my metaphorical mind lake anymore. Today I go in to Community Futures to sign my contract granting me my first extension on my business idea. (Happy Thoughts!) This means I'll still have the flexibility to be with Anaya when she needs me. I want to give her as much love and time as I can while she's here.