We are back at home now. Anaya is recovering from her cold slowly but surely. She is really gurgley in her throat this morning- though she slept through the night without a problem.
I sometimes wonder to myself about how strong I really am. Today I feel like life is beating me with a stick. I woke up sad and angry. I wept silently while I showered. I feel muddied, unclear, overwhelmed and helpless to save my baby. Brent would say I'm feeling sorry for myself and I ought to quit. My puddle of self-defeating thoughts is really quite a sight in my minds eye. It's more like a cold dark lake with scary weeds that grasp, and violent waves. Sometimes I don't see a way out of it - I just keep swimming. Other times I find myself on a sunny shore admiring the beauty of it.
In any case I can't sit here thinking about my metaphorical mind lake anymore. Today I go in to Community Futures to sign my contract granting me my first extension on my business idea. (Happy Thoughts!) This means I'll still have the flexibility to be with Anaya when she needs me. I want to give her as much love and time as I can while she's here.
I've found that when someone says I'm strong, they don't know that I'm really just getting up and putting one foot in front of the other. Sending strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when you're tired, overwhelmed, or scared. xo
ReplyDeleteMy daughter brought home from kindergarden this year a little breathing thing for kids that has helped us all with our deep breaths when we're feeling overwhelmed. "Smell the flowers" on the inhale and "blow out the candles" on the exhale. Just the thought of being taught this by a five year old always makes me smile when I need some deep breaths. Good luck Camara, you will, and are making it through each day.
ReplyDelete