Monday, July 4, 2011

Canada Day Weekend

Last weekend passed like a blur.  A close friend of mine came to visit from Calgary and we went to the Canada Day festivities at Lakeside Park.  Brent cared for Anaya and Sylvie and I went for a while alone - later joined by Brent and Anaya for the Fireworks.

Somehow this weekend has altered my life perspective to my very core.  I feel as though I have been selfish and fearful.  Lost and desperate.  I realize that I have been attempting to escape my grief, escape my situation, by burying myself in "important tasks" like trying to raise money for me to stay home with Anaya, doing work on my computer - networking, grant writing, researching - BUSY BUSY BUSY.  I've also been seeking love outside of myself, trying to attract a new man, a SUPERMAN, that would somehow rescue me from everything and save the day.  Someone who could rescue me from my grief, my despair, my fear. A person who would know what to do in every situation and solve my problems.  I've realized that this Superman does not exist.

I've also realized that the last thing I need right now is Superman.  I've hit rock bottom within myself.  I have abandoned some of my core beliefs and values because I have felt as though my very reality has been crushed.  I've taken every negative word to heart, taken personally the fact that I am not able to save my daughter, and am therefore not a good parent, not a good mother, not a good friend, not a good wife, child or grandchild.  Pretty much a lost human being.  Down at the bottom of my rocky self I found something worth saving, something worth more than anything, my desire for love, peace, justice and harmony in the world.  The core of every one of us is pure love.  It gets bashed, buried and graffitied - but it's there.

Looking at Anaya the pure love radiates through me, it burns away the negativity, it reveals to me that my fear is a waste of life.  That I need to choose love.  I need to stop being afraid.  Everyday I just want to be with her, learning, meditating, bathing her, walking her, reading to her.  Yet everyday I have found myself creating a life OUTSIDE of Anaya.  Hiding, escaping, refusing to learn from my teacher, refusing to face the dying - the death - the life.  All of it.

I'm ready now to face it.  I'm ready to be my own Superwoman.  I'm ready to go deep into my emotional turmoil with Brent and create a true and real friendship.  I am ready to face my own selfishness and embarrasment.  I've been hiding my feelings behind a wall that looks like strength to some people but really it is my attempt to control my world, and create some kind of normalcy.  The fact is that this is not a normal situation.  The truth is that I'm not strong.  I am completely devastated that Anaya has become little more than a beautiful living doll.  I'm sick with longing for her to get better.  I hate myself for not being able to do anything about it.  I wish I had some magic power within me that would HEAL her.  I get lost in my despair sometimes which is why I build the walls around the pain that look like strength.  Lest I drown in the enormity of it.

Moments of Joy with Anaya are sweeter when I allow myself to be REAL.  To feel my sadness, be one with my love, allow my mind to relax and let go of the fear and anxiety I feel about "making it" in the world.  I have so much fear about "making it" in the world.  What is it to be a success?  Does it mean I need to leave Anaya alone with a nurse and go to work all day?  Will that make me a better person?  It's not what my heart wants. I just want to be with Anaya.  I want to experience her lifetime with her.  All we have is precious time - and I've allowed so much of it to waste away.

I don't even know if it's right for me to be asking people for money to help me stay home with Anaya. But that's what I've been doing. Perhaps it would be more integral for me to move into subsidized housing -with disability access and claim welfare.  Then I could spend my time with Anaya actually BEING with her instead of trying to always find a way to pay the bills and save for Anaya's special needs.  She's my baby.  My sweet innocent little baby girl who had a smile that made my heart soar and my soul sing.  She's still in there, her beautiful soul, - in that little  fragile body.

She still knows me.  She hears my voice and responds, she breathes easier when I hold her.  She sighs with love and contentment and I know that she needs me.

I know that our time is falling away like sand in an hour glass. I won't be lost anymore.

16 comments:

  1. You can do it! You are Superwoman to her! Hang in there, and thanks for sharing! It means alot ot others who are in a situation similar to yours, who are not strong enough to communicate things in the way that you do. =)

    ~ Hugs ~ Cristi

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  2. Hooray for epiphanies! Sometimes in the deepest depths we are able to see the little glimmery hints of light that would have been drowned out by the sun.

    It is so important to allow yourself to be broken. It is also important to know that you WILL be lost again... and that finding your way back (over and over... and over...) is what life is about - it is our reason for being. What else are we here for if not to learn and grow, and leave the world better than when we entered - both within ourselves, and in the legacy we leave behind. I think the only way to fail is to stop trying to find your way back, and even then, I'm not sure that there aren't times when its OK to just wallow in it for a little while...

    I agree 100% that superman does not exist, nor is he what you need. The best teachers/helpers/leaders/partners are the ones who know when to push away and make you take the next steps alone, as hard as they might be!

    Enjoy your time with your little angel... keep reaching out, but allow the details to take care of themselves. As desperate as things seem, life has a way of working out if you just give it room to show you what it has planned. I feel like when you push too hard to MAKE things happen, you miss what might have come along all on its own - those little glimmers get drowned out not just by the sun, but by your huge, mega-watt searchlight! Letting go is hard - the hardest thing you can do sometimes - but it is also ALWAYS rewarding, and never in ways you could have predicted.

    I love you!

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  3. It's so hard to let go of the fear and anxiety. I don't know how you have gotten to the place where you are ready to do so, but I am sitting here a home sending love and thoughts your way as take these brave steps onwards in your journey. You are protecting yourself by keeping busy and I understand that fully, I think we all can. I disagree that you are not strong, you are. We have moments in life where we are both strong and weak, it's just the way it goes. But someone who comes as far as you have, to write the post you just did.... it took such courage and I am amazed by you as a mother. I wish you and Anaya so much love and happiness.

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  4. No one could, or should, ever judge you while you are caring for your daughter. You are doing only what you feel is best for her, and I admire your courage and strength. It may not feel as though you you have those attributes at times, maybe, but it's evident to everyone that they're there. God bless you and your daughter.. You are a fantastic mother..

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  5. My Dear Sweet Camara...you are stronger than you allow yourself to think..EVERYONE questions the choices they make. You are only human and can bear only so much. Anaya can feel the love radiate from you because you allow yourself to FEEL. When I merely READ your blogs I can feel your emotions, your pain, your suffering, your happiness, your grief, your strength, your weakness, your INCREDIBLE desire to be the best Mom that you can be. Your are an incredible person, mother, daughter, and friend. Don't ever doubt the choices you make for they lead us on the path we were intended to be lead. Thank you for sharing your most intimate emotions with the world. You make the world a brighter place for your baby girls!! xoxox <3

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  6. Camara, don't be too hard on yourself. You are a human. All of us have our times of weaknesses. I'm sure you need to get away at times. And I mean NEED. I would be the same way. Nobody else can care for Anaya like you do. But you have to let others do second best...sometimes. You are a human! In whatever way that you think you have failed, don't beat yourself up. I have never went through what you are going through. But I have a child and a grandson that I love more than living. I wonder sometimes if I love them too much? Does God want me to love them that much? Could I give them up and still keep my mind; my faith? I can't even begin to imagine the feeling of helplessness. And I'm sure that I would lash out at others, run away sometimes, feel guilty, feel terrified and frozen. Whatever it takes you need to keep the choice to stay with Anaya. Don't give up on yourself. You are just one of those people that feel too much; hurt too much, you are so sensitive. You are an angel, Anaya's angel. Stop, take a deep breath, see yourself for all the good that you are. Be still when you don't know which way to turn. email me applemac@charter.net. My friends say I am the best person to talk to. I don't know you but I would love to help you in some way. rest, relax and give that sweet girl a hug. xoxoxo

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  7. It's ok to let people help, it's not wrong to ask for financial support, you are giving others the gift of an opportunity to contribute. There's no shame in going to subsidized housing/assistance if that would help you right now, you deserve support at all levels. You can trust your heart...thank you for your honesty.

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  8. Stay strong Mamma - superwoman or not. You are a human being, a lovely mamma who is doing her best day after day. Anaya and Solara are lucky to have you. All our thoughts are with you. Follow your gut and your heart, and they won't steer you wrong. Love Sarah, Richard and Nathaniel xxx

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  9. Camara,

    You have not allowed your time with Anaya to waste away: you were hurting, and there is no way you could not be. Nonetheless, you're still doing beyond the best. Listen to your heart and do what it is asking of you. As for us, we'll do our best to help you. Always.

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  10. These are all the feelings any mother would have it is a hard thing to feel so helpless when you are doing all you can to help your child it is by far the worst thing for any parent. Anaya knows she has a great and wonderful mom who would do anything for her as you said she knows you, she knows you are there for her you should never that you should have done anything different you have done wonderfully. My love and my strength I send to help you. Never doubt yourself. xoxo

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  11. As a working mother with a healthy child, I yearn to be able to stay at home with her and be there with her every moment. I am realizing that where I live and what I 'need' are no longer important to me and I could live with so much less just to be with her. I can't imagine what the ache must feel like when your child is sick. If you have the ability to be home, welfare or donations, do it and do not feel guilty. I once heard someone say that they would 'do anything short of sin' for God and their family. Like you said, all you have is time and sadly, it is limited.

    I feel it is a blessing from God to give you such openness with your feelings and to realize what it is you need in your life. Enjoy the freedom God has given you along with eternity as his child. Lean on him for strength for you are never alone.

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  12. Praying for you mama. You do whatever you have to do to be there for your baby! Sending you all lots of love.

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  13. when your heart is as full of love as yours is camara nothing you do could ever be equated to a 'waste' sometimes its so hard to feel we just distract. i know with my sons autism i used to clean my house obsessively because i couldn't make him better. he'd bang his head and rock and scream and i would scrub the stove and cry and smoke my cigarette's. i couldn't fix him. i still cant. most days i accept it. some days it feels like a punishment. somedays the cloud clears and i see him for who he is, my greatest teacher. there are days i wonder why he is so stuck and ask why he was put on earth at all? and then the guilt for thinking that. to be my lesson thats why. to save me. to heal me. to show me who i am. and ever since allowed him to do that, i get better and better.
    my very worst fear is loosing a child. i get emotional reading your words and some of anaya's picture's make me down right bawl because all i want is for her to pop right out of the bed/chair throw off her blanket and run and jump and laugh. i want to help but dont know how. i do know that there are so many people affected and touched through your sharing that you have helped live more consciously and lovingly. this is a huge gift you've given us. everyone who you have trusted to be a part of your journey will hold out their hands when you need to fall. we are all here.
    your honesty is so beautiful to hear. when people ask me about autism i just hate it because i dont want to be the excluded isolated different grieving mom. i just want the same chances for my son as everyone hopes. and thats all your hard work for donations have been, a mom just doing her best for her kid. having her kid get the best. dont you ever regret that. ever. you stay right beside her where you belong. xox

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  14. Hi Camara,

    I am not even going to pretend to understand how you are feeling but I will say that the previous post has it right on - all those lives that you, Solara and Anaya have touched are immensely grateful for your teachings and we will be here to catch you when you fall and we will continue to be your advocate when you can’t speak and we will laugh with you when you are happy and we will listen when you want to share your journey. Do what you have to be with your little earth angel and never feel bad about any of it - You know personally I will continue to donate to you and your family so that you can stay home and provide for Anaya and Solara they way you want to - with love Heather

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  15. If I won a million dollars I would give it all to you so that you could build your dreamhome and stay with Anaya as long as you have with her. Stay strong Camara, you have so many people praying for you and your family. I am not a religious person but if there is a god out there, I ask him to take care of your family. I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm so glad I met you and I hope we can get together soon. Call me anytime. 359-6926

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