Tuesday, April 12, 2011

April 12, 2011

It is a beautiful day here. The sun is streaming in the window. Anaya has already been outside for her walk. The flowers of spring are showing their colors everywhere. I love spring bulbs. There don't seem to be any in our yard at our new house. It's probably something I'll tweak this year :)

It's been so busy this week. I have been working very hard at keeping up with milk donation e-mailing and building Anaya's site, and working on finding more jobs for Nelson Staffing. I completed my paperwork anyways, and now I find a moment of space to blog. My head is hurting and I think I need a Tylenol.

Last night I took Solara to her second soccer practice ever. I've never played soccer before and I dressed her wrong. I put the shin guards on over the socks. When we got there she was the only one in Hawaiian shorts, with hot pink shiny shin guards. We were a few minutes late due to Anaya having a rough moment and Solara got the Evil Eye from the coach (who doesn't know about Anaya - I was going to tell him but they were already in the middle of practicing). So anyways, I'm sitting behind this glass window with the other moms watching Solara practice in the soccerdome. I sat alone. No one really said "Hi" to me. I didn't know anyone. I smiled at some of the moms and they looked at me askance.

I looked down at myself. I was wearing old sweatpants, a t-shirt and a comfy sweater covered in dirt because I just moved a large rock in Anaya's Garden. I know I have huge bags under my eyes, no makeup on and my hair is undone and windblown. In my world I don't have time for worrying about that kind of surface stuff some days. I just take care of Anaya, work, take care of Solara, do housework, and collapse into a chair to check my e-mail and work on getting milk donations to feed my "palliative" baby.

What do I have to say to these moms? How do I act? "Hi, I'm Camara - I know I look scary right now, but there's a good reason for it. I'm really a very nice person who could use some new friends. Which kid is yours? Mine is the one dressed funny with the shin-guards on the wrong way."

God. I just sat there. Maybe I need a makeover or something.

21 comments:

  1. Or perhaps they recognized you and thought "Wow isn't that the mom with the sick baby, how come she's here? I wish that I had her strength, I wish that I new what I should say?" Hang in there Camara. I would love to be your friend.

    Shala

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  2. I am amazed at your strength, I can feel it through all our posts on facebook and through your blog. What a strong woman you are! Solara and Anaya are so blessed! I would be your friend too!

    Lisa

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  3. Hello. I found your blog through "Life in a shoe" I wish I could help you, but I'm only 14 (almost 15) so instead I will pray for you! (I guess that is helping isn't it?) I could tell you that it doesn't matter what others think, it's what's inside *you* that counts, but I won't. Instead here is my message: "Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart" God doesn't see you as you are, He sees you as you will be. And he loves you, and Anaya very much. He cares about the flowers and the sparrows, He cares ever so much more about you. So, don't let what others think of you get to you. God cares about you. :)
    Prayers,
    Natalya

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  4. I don't think you need a make over because you are beautiful, you just need to take some time for you. I know that is hard to do with everything going on but you are important too. And you deserve it hun. Sending you all our love!

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  5. Jennifer, from OntarioApril 13, 2011 at 6:42 AM

    Its not what we look like on the outside that matters, you are a beautiful person on the inside. With such strength and courage!! Just smile at them and chuckle. Not many could handle what you do :o) Stay strong!

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  6. Hi Camera, I actually think you should have said that to the other moms, that was a good introduction! I confess, I've been the one at school or the playground who probably looks intimidating, since most days I usually get dressed up and have make up on despite two kids and a job. It just makes me feel better about myself. But if you had said that to me I would have laughed and thought you were very cool.

    I wish you all the best with Anaya and I'm pulling for you both and sending you positive thoughts.

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  7. You don't need a make over and you don't need friends who would think you do!! I say wait for women who would introduce themselves to you no matter how you looked! Those who wouldn't aren't ones you'd want to be friends with anyway. :-)

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  8. All the ladies above are totally right, but now, a comment from the other side...from a modest man.

    A woman is really beautiful when you see what she does and what she thinks. Dont worry about the make-up, dont worry about the others, dont worry about anything of that at all... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!... being yourself is the best thing you can do...and you have done it ... and you do it everyday...

    I have seen many, many, many women around the world leaving their new born babies in garbage places, in rivers shores, in terrible places... you are one drop of universal love in this earth.. and your babies feel it everyday... you are as strong as a one as of the ancient warriors... you are 1 women in millions...

    Dont worry about superfluous things...and the other charmed ladies in the soccer practice.. you know who you are... Your husband is so lucky!!!!

    PD: If you need to know anything about soccer let me know...

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  9. Once you introduce yourself, and it can be just the way you described, the way you look won't matter anymore. They'll realize pretty quick that you are a beautiful person. Friends are important and you'll thank yourself later for making those introductions.

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  10. You're an inspiration to me and many others. A supermom, who is putting her family above all else. Don't worry about what others will think. Your family is very lucky to have you. You are a beautiful mom and wife.

    I agree whole heartedly with the last comment. Once you introduce yourself, these other parents will realize how amazing of a mom and person you are! I might speak to the coach so he/she understands what you and the family are going through.

    I think it's worth mentioning again, "You're a beautiful woman!"

    BTW - I also know nothing about soccer and I probably would have done the same thing! :)

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  11. oh honey, those moment suck! that tunnel vision feeling like you are somehow separate from the rest of the world.... I am with you there right now, although for different reasons. Hang in there.
    As far as the "could use a new friend right now" thing goes, I would love to be that lady. I'm home most days and my kids (ages 4,7,10,12) are used to medical gear and illness so maybe semi-easy flow? We are in Nelson too.

    my email is melodiousmama @ gmail.com if you want to connect. :)

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  12. Hi Camera.

    Oh I can feel your pain, and I know how you feel. It is hard sometimes. I have lost some friends over the years, people who find it too dificult to deal with a family with challenges. But then I have gained so many new friends, who understand, who have similar situations. I find that the best is to be open and just talk about it. Next time, go ahead, introduce yourself and tell a little bit about your story. I really hope you will find some new friends among the other soccer moms. And if you don't it is their loss. You are an amazing mother for your children. Don't ever doubt youself. I know it is hard, but stay strong, there is so many people out there thinking of you and praying for you and your daughter. A friend of a friend of mine will probably contact you about donating breast milk too :o) I wish you all the best!

    Love from Hege, a mom with a son that only has 1/2 a heart, lung problems, is tube fed and has other challenges.

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  13. Camara, I just love your honesty. You are such a shining gem on this beautiful planet of ours. Give your munchkins a big kiss for me okay.... Always remember that you are beautiful no matter how baggy your pants or dirty your shirt :) You are the most outgoing person I know, you have the magic to make anyone talk with you. Those mom's are probably as in need of your friendship as you are for theirs. Just go for it love. xo
    Kim

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  14. you are beautiful. you know, someone said to me one day when I was assuming the worst- "don't deal in fiction, only deal in fact. if you don't know what people are thinking, don't even try to guess." it stuck with me. but still, I am guessing- they probably know who you are (it's a small town!) and were thinking it was amazing that you were there supporting Solara.
    love, light and all my positive energy your way.
    XX

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  15. You guys are right. I should have introduced myself. It wasn't my best moment. Sometimes I dont have the words - or maybe it's that I don't have the energy.

    On Monday at the next practice I am going to "Get right in there" and show these fabulous soccer mamas that I'm a thoughtful, funny, deep human being :)

    Maybe I should bring my famous triple chocolate brownies...

    Love y'all! Camara

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  16. You are a strong, beautiful woman...you are an awesome mother, a wonderful wife, and I would be honored to know you! Sweat pants or not ;)

    You are an inspiration to many....I pray for you and your family daily!

    Love to all :)

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  17. aw camara...i've had these moments. the ladies at the park with their 600$ stroller systems and huge diamond rings. me in my favorite old moccasins with macaroni on my shirt. my son is the one with autism running around babbling outloud to nobody, spinning and peeing on tree's. the one thing keeping me stuck is what i assume they already think of me. my fears of their judgements. and then when you do start a conversation all they ask about is autism...to get the shots or not. you become a reference guide to their worst fears. sigh. i find talking to moms going through the same thing helps me immensely. because they get it.
    i think solar prob looked the coolest.
    have you seen the movie a beautiful life? watch it. a dad in a concentration camp with his son makes the boy think its a happy place through his perceptions. its the way we present the world to them. solara prob felt great. its the adults that put feelings onto things.
    xoxox~heather

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  18. *solara* pardon the typo there is something sticky in my keyboard. imagine!
    ~heather

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  19. "Life is Beautiful" is my favourite movie too, even before I had my handicaped son :o)

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  20. I can tell by your post on Tuesday, April 12, 2011 1:43 PM that you have such a bright,and sunny outlook on life,...greeting the day with a happy go lucky attitude even with the challenges you face. God Bless you and your family for the love you have and give each other! I think you sound like a wonderful person, and mother,...anyone would be lucky to have a friend like you!!..As for the emotional breakdown day you had the other day, it's only natural to have down days,...thankfully they don't usually last long. The breakdowns are a way to rid the body of the stress so that we can get up and get on with the next challenge, they make us stronger!! Know in your heart that lots of people are thinking of you and wishing Anaya and your family all good wishes and God's blessings. Hugs and kisses to Anaya and Solara. And may I say what beautiful names they are, I love them!..Lots of good days to you Camara!

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  21. I have a special needs boy who is 23 and I know exactly how you feel. You will meet people who will look past your outer appearance and into your heart. These are the true friends and they are rare. Just treasure yourself and your family. My son is deaf and blind and when he was 4 we started using a series of touch cues with him as we always startled him when picking him up bathing him etc. This became a great way to communicate to him simple things and he totally understands them. If you are interested email me shelmack@telus.net and I will share them with you. I do know how busy you are and I love how you are loving her life. It is easy to give up but you don't. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
    Shelley

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