Friday October 8, 2010

There's only so much dwelling one can do on the same topic for any length of time. I have dwelled deep in the depths of my emotions, and have come out with new perspectives. I think that contemplating death is on some level good for the soul. It brings more appreciation to everyday life. More meaning to the moments.

The sadness that was so overwhelming initially has broken like a wave over rocks. The water still remains but the inertia is gone. Now grief sometimes grips me in moments of sweet tenderness. I have prepared myself for her death so much that I'm done with it for now. She's stable, she's healthy (for her), she's not in apparent pain and there is absolutely no way of knowing if she's going to live to tomorrow or 5 years from now. Hunter Kelly - a boy with Krabbe, lived to be 7.

So now instead of preparing for and dwelling on death I'm preparing for life and living.

The picture above is of Anaya in her sling wrap on our walk tuesday. I found a daisy to clip into her hair. Fall is a fantastic season. Life withdraws into itself - preparing for the cold months, some things bloom and then die. It's truly a beautiful amazing thing. The cycle of life and death "For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one".

The contemplation of such things brings a certain grace into your life and a certain wisdom into your heart. Nothing is lost. Spring will come again. But this has changed me. I look upon the world with the eyes of the crone. People my age, even older seem so young and vibrant and innocent. Sometimes I find it difficult to connect with them. I find comfort in my matronly friends who have loved and lost deeply and comprehend my grief and my small joys. I seek not to judge, each person is unique and is experiencing life for themselves. None has a more valid experience than the other. We are each here for our own lessons. I don't think we really know what they are until we look back on them.

I look back and know my little love has already taught me so much. "To the depth you feel pain, to the same extent you will feel your joy" - well I'm certain that this is true now.

Our days cycle on, constantly striving to live in the moment. Anaya is well. Sweet, innocent, warm and loved she carries on with her unique experience of life. I don't forsee an ending, I've let go of it for now.



This is Anaya yesterday holding one of her teething toys in her mouth. She is unable to hold things in her hands but has recently discovered how to hold things with her teeth. She is so focused and is concentrating really hard. It was so cute. I wanted to share it with you.