Friday, August 3, 2012


I stood in the lake today, waist deep, my hands caressing the surface of the water.  I watched the sun glinting diamond refractions in the ripples of the water as the sun dipped slowly towards the mountain.  I had no thoughts.  Just a peaceful, quiet, feeling.  A "just be" kind of feeling where everything is all right and for that one moment everything is perfect.

It reminded me of my time with Anaya.  Living in the present.  Loving the moment.  Not allowing the bad thoughts to take over...just to be...
so I thought I'd write her this note.

Dear Anaya,
We think of you and hold you in our hearts every day.  When I see a rainbow I think of you.  Today I saw a little girl your age wearing a rainbow sun-dress.  She was adorable.  I smiled and thought of you.  I also think of you when I see butterflies.  Your sister had a lemonade stand today and was talking to people about you... and then a big yellow butterfly came soaring by my face and landed on the flowers beside me.  I looked at it and said "Hi, sweet pea."  I don't think I've called anyone a sweet pea since the last time I saw you.  The words felt so strange on my lips.  I don't know where they came from...they just leapt out.  Maybe it really was you...part of your spirit.

Sometimes I miss you so much that just the memory of you hurts.  I know it sounds silly but I don't sit in my memories enough.  I've never even gone back and re-read my blog.  I'm too scared to feel the depth of how much I miss you, how hurt I am... how I failed in so many ways.  I didn't have regrets before...and I don't have regrets now...just things I would do differently.  Looking back leaves me feeling breathless and causes heart ache that I fear will never go away.

I just want to kiss rub my face against your perfect peachy cheeks.  Kiss your little rose bud lips.  Kiss your fingers and toes.  Kiss your eyelids.  I want to sing you songs and read you stories and take you to the beach to put your feet in the sand.

I know that you had to go, and that we kept you here beyond your time.  I know that it couldn't have been different... but my heart doesn't understand.  My heart still beats in time with yours.

I wish you were still coming to me in my dreams.  Every night I have horrible nightmares and I am glad that you aren't in them.... but i'd rather have good dreams of you...than the violence I'm experiencing.  I even saw children burning alive in my dream the other night and I tried everything to save them...but couldn't get past the flames. You really don't want to hear about it.  Sometimes I feel so tired in the morning after my bad dreams that I feel like I could sleep all day and not get out of bed.

Solara is being goofy and I like listening to her giggle.  God I wish I could laugh and giggle like that again...

Anyways, I'm sorry for rambling on little love.  I miss you.  The words I miss you don't do the feeling justice.  It's like somebody turned the "joy" switch off.  I miss your father too.  Lately I wish I could be with him every minute of every day.  I love him, I love your sister, I love the dogs... I love too much and sometimes I feel too much too intensely.  The doctor says it's part of my Post Traumatic Stress disorder...but I don't know how to fix it.  I've been this way since childhood.  Feeling too much.  Being too intense, giving all of myself, being impulsive, reckless and passionate. Fighting anxiety and loneliness.  The horrible feeling of being different that everyone else.
I'm really tired now baby girl and I think I'm going to go to bed.  I hope and pray to see you tonight - but I have my doubts.  I love you always and forever.