Tuesday, January 10, 2012

All is not Lost

As I was coming out of Waterfront Station there was a single car in the parking lot.  Across the front it said "All is Not Lost".  It was for a data recovery service.  It was also a message from Anaya.

Mostly I fear to tell you about my moments of despair.  I think because those moments scare me.  I don't want to be trapped in despair and depression and I work hard to keep myself out of it.  Sadness is different.  Sadness is alright and when I feel sad, I feel sad.  I let it out.  I cry.  The other day I screamed and bawled into my pillow with sadness for more than an hour.  It needed to come out.  Then there are moments of despair that can creep in when I am really tired and stressed.  Moments when I wonder what the point of being alive is.  Moments where I can't feel love and don't feel loved.  I think everyone has a wide range of emotions, myself more so.  I am rather extreme sometimes.  Either I'm really good or really sad.  I try to find a balance and lately have been having more "Ok" times.  I find the more I help others the better I feel.

Today I was on the train and I was sitting by the door.  A young man (so cute-looked like Clark from Smallville) got on the train with crutches.  I offered him my seat and sat down beside him.  He smiled at me.  I asked him what happened.  He got out his dictionary and explained to me in a very french dialect, using broken English, that he had sprained his ankle.  I encouraged his efforts to speak English and then switched to Spanish - where we had a bit more common ground.

Just then the police boarded the train and asked to see every one's tickets.  I turned to Benjamin (blue eyed french boy) and he looked puzzled.  I pulled out my ticket and showed him and said he needed to get his out. He searched through his wallet and found it. The cop came over, looked at Benjamin's ticket and said "You didn't scratch your Zone.  I'm going to give you a $170 ticket."  Well I could tell that Benjamin did not understand what was being said, and I was certain that he didn't know about scratching zones.  I spoke to the officer.
"I don't think he understands you.  He doesn't speak English well.  Do you speak French?"
"No, but my partner does." He waved his female partner over.  She spoke gently and kindly to Benjamin and scratched off his zone and explained it to him.  They got off the train.

Benjamin said "What was the man meaning?"  I told him he was going to get a $170 ticket.  His eyes opened wide and he said "Really?".  I smiled and nodded.  He thanked me.  We chatted a bit about how he is here to learn English.  Then it was his stop and he hopped away on his crutches.  He dissapeered into the crowd and I smiled as the train moved on.

Then I got off the train and there in the parking lot was my sign.

"All is not lost"

Here's to another day of helping people, another day of being the rainbow in the lives of people willing to look up and see me.  The way I look and see her.  Everywhere.


  1. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter a little over four years ago and I can tell you that the pain never goes away but the days do get a little bit easier.


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