It feels so foreign to me, to be in the world without my little love. I put on my shoes and I stop and remember. The black suede Marmot Trekkers are muddy and graying. I bought these shoes when I was pregnant. I wore them when Brent and I used to cook breakfast at the Village Bakery in Procter. Back when Anaya was a baby in my belly that would always get the hiccoughs.
I was wearing these shoes when I took her to the hospital the very first time. I wore them when they told me she would die of a demyelinating brain disease.
I wore them when we took her home.
I walked her countless times, carried her, soothed her, hell she even threw up on these shoes.
I shopped, worked, cried and loved in these shoes.
I wore them on the journey south when fall hit. I wore them in Salem.
I wore them to the hospital.
I took them off when I climbed into her bed to hold her while she faced her final challenge.
After she flew I put my shoes on and went outside.
The sun had come out. It hit my shoes.
Today I wore them downtown to the lawyers office that is working on sorting out Anaya's bills/affairs and non-profit society.
They were muddy from our walk.
I still have these shoes to remind me of the big picture.
She started out as Love.
She was Love in Form
Now she is once again formless.
All in the space of 2.5 years.
I suppose my shoes will be gone from this world one day too.
Grief can be a sneaky thing. Today I held her gnaw gnaw and sobbed. I held her blankets. I hugged her chair. I stared at my shoes.
The equipment is going away soon. That reminds me...
I have to find a ride for Anaya's stuff that is in Salem Oregon. It's really important. If you know anyone who might be headed north I can drive half way...
We are in Vancouver, Canada.
I wish we had Internet set up here. Another week.. But perhaps it is good for me to do other things for a while.
P.S- do you have something, like my shoes, that has been with you through good times and bad? What reminds you of the big picture?
Anaya, Forever embedded in my heart.