Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Shoes of the Soul

It feels so foreign to me, to be in the world without my little love. I put on my shoes and I stop and remember. The black suede Marmot Trekkers are muddy and graying. I bought these shoes when I was pregnant. I wore them when Brent and I used to cook breakfast at the Village Bakery in Procter. Back when Anaya was a baby in my belly that would always get the hiccoughs.

I was wearing these shoes when I took her to the hospital the very first time. I wore them when they told me she would die of a demyelinating brain disease.

I wore them when we took her home.

I walked her countless times, carried her, soothed her, hell she even threw up on these shoes.

I shopped, worked, cried and loved in these shoes.

I wore them on the journey south when fall hit. I wore them in Salem.

I wore them to the hospital.

I took them off when I climbed into her bed to hold her while she faced her final challenge.

After she flew I put my shoes on and went outside.

The sun had come out. It hit my shoes.

Today I wore them downtown to the lawyers office that is working on sorting out Anaya's bills/affairs and non-profit society.

They were muddy from our walk.

I still have these shoes to remind me of the big picture.

She started out as Love.
She was Love in Form
Now she is once again formless.
All in the space of 2.5 years.

I suppose my shoes will be gone from this world one day too.

Grief can be a sneaky thing. Today I held her gnaw gnaw and sobbed. I held her blankets. I hugged her chair. I stared at my shoes.

The equipment is going away soon. That reminds me...

I have to find a ride for Anaya's stuff that is in Salem Oregon. It's really important. If you know anyone who might be headed north I can drive half way...
We are in Vancouver, Canada.

I wish we had Internet set up here. Another week.. But perhaps it is good for me to do other things for a while.


P.S- do you have something, like my shoes, that has been with you through good times and bad? What reminds you of the big picture?

Anaya, Forever embedded in my heart.


  1. I have a pair of black gaucho pants that I wore when I was pregnant with my twins. I lost my babies at 13 weeks. Those pants don't fit me anymore but I have them in my closet. I wore them all the time because they were comfortable, and I wore them when I found out that my pregnancy would end, I wore them whilst I waited for it to happen, during and for days after curled up in a ball on my bed. I still think about them. Every time I look at my 6 month old. I still cry when I look at them. I often wonder if they ever think my daughter replaced them. Her birthday is about the same time as when I lost them. I hope it gets easier xxx

  2. You are so right that her spirit is formless right now. We will all be formless one day. But we are all connected by our essence of 'being'. I don't have a particular object that keeps me focused on the big picture, but I often read the Power of Now, to keep things in perspective. Be fully present, surrender to what is because resistance = pain. It has taught me that sad events will make us sad, but there's a way to be at peace. Peace be with you.

  3. Dearest Camara, there are no words for the grief you and your family are experiencing and I feel that whatever I say will not convey my feelings wholly. I have a 13 month old daughter and my eyes fill with tears everytime I read about Anaya. I cannot imagine what you have been through. Thank-you for sharing Anaya's life with all of us, thank-you for your example of strength and unending love.


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