You don't know me, but...
This is the quote of the past ten days. I have received hundreds of emails that start with this line. It is both beautiful and heartwarming how many people have reached out to send their condolences and tell me how much Anaya has influenced their lives. How they will never forget her.
I could never forget her.
I've spent the last couple of days in a state of quiet vigilance. I'm not sure which way to go or what to do just yet so I'm staying put until I figure it out. I've been praying and asking for guidance, both from God and from Anaya. There are times that I cannot hold back my grief. My heart aches and I feel as though I am suffocating. I even get guilty thinking that I didn't do enough for her - or that we shouldn't have taken her off life support so soon. I feel bad that I didn't take her little baby feet in my hands that final night and given her a massage. I think that I was given extra strength to get through that period of time. I know that we did the right thing and I do my best to quash my negative thinking.
But when I think about her beautiful little body, slowly going mottled and cold I cannot stand it. I feel nauseated with sorrow. I try to focus on the rainbows instead.
It is very apparent to me that death has not ended our connection, but changed it. She asks me to have more faith than I ever have before and to move forward as quickly as possible. I'm willing to do the work - I just don't know which direction to start out in. Should we move back to Nelson? Should we stay in the Lower mainland? For now I think just being present with Solara and spending my time with her, loving her and playing with her is what I need to do. Solara really wants to move back to Nelson. She misses her friends and her school. I am taking her feelings very seriously. I miss Nelson too. Both Brent and I want to do what's right. We want to make a difference and finish what we started. I also know that I need to write. Another message I keep getting from Anaya is that I'm supposed to share what she shows me in my dreams. She says there is more to it than just newborn screening. That there are big changes going on in our world that people should know about.
I almost feel as though I could reach the mama's through writing if I really gave it my all. Once the memorial is over maybe I'll be able to focus more.