Sunday, July 17, 2011


"Mommy!  Don't go just yet!  Can't you see my right arm is twisted? I know that I put it there...but for the life of me I can't seem to move it now.  Do you suppose you could turn it over and give me a kiss before you go to the kitchen to get some water?"  I really hope she got all that...

"Oh sweetie, your arm's twisted!  Here, I'll fix it..." She kisses me.

"Thank you mama."  I sigh.  It's good.  I'm laying on the couch.  Mama fixed the puddle I was laying in.  She got me a nice fresh receiving blanket for under my face.  Without the blankies the pillow gets wet and yucky.  Sometimes my mouth hurts, especially when I am teething, and I get tons of extra saliva.  If I was walking I'd be the kid covered in drool.  You know the one.  The one with the wet shirt, who goes through 10 outfits a day for a month or two.  It's only cute to people who love you.  Sometimes the puddle gets really big and mommy has to change my shirt, wash my face, wash my neck and put yucky tasting medicine in my mouth.  Sometimes she gives me a special treat and I get a drop of maple syrup with it.  Often times it makes me choke she doesn't do it very often.

Lately I've been getting to try some new foods.  Daddy made me a fresh banana-cherry-breastmilk puree yesterday.  Nurse C gave me peach-banana-goat yogurt and my mama...well my mama made me try fish.  That's right.  Fish.  She told me it's good for my brain.  I'm telling you, as someone who's never tasted fish before...or even knows what a "fish" looks like...burping up that flavor was like something out of...the lake.  She promised that for my birthday I'll get some real chocolate cake!  I'm super excited.  In 9 days I'll be 23 months old.  That means I'm turning two in... well... soon.

My mama's got some people who've been helping her at the house.  They're really nice.  Sometimes they come and read me stories.  I love stories.  Especially when the person telling them does the voices.  You know...changes their a real live Happening.  Sometimes my mama won't let me watch TV shows because she thinks that I won't be able to tell if it's real or not and she doesn't want me to get scared.  But I know it's not real people because I can't feel them in the room.  I can feel people you know.  It's true.  All mama has to do is stand beside me and I know she's there.  Even if she doesn't talk or touch me.  And sometimes, if a bunch of people are looking at me I can feel it.  It wakes me up out of a sound sleep.  You ever get the feeling that you're being watched?  You should try having that feeling when you're blind.  It's darn right creepy!

It happened like that today.  Mama took me and my sister to church and the nice people prayed over me and I woke up.  Singing, dancing, drums and tambourines didn't wake me up...but being prayed over did.  There's something magical about it...something pure and beautiful.  It's like I can see their souls shining love and energy to me...bringing that love and energy inside of me is the bestest feeling in the world (next to cuddling with my mommy).  Then my sister sang in front of all the people.  She sang "You are my sunshine" and I knew that she was singing it to me.  Mommy sings it to me sometimes too...but this was different.  Solara's voice rang out above the crowd, so young and sweet and confident.  Mommy was smiling and she was happy.  I could feel it radiating from her as she held my hand.  After Solara sang we had to go...mommy forgot my milk at home when rushing out the door to get to church on time.  I had a full diaper too, but you don't need to hear details.  :)

We went home and got my milk and Daddy gave me my medicine.  I got to spend lots of time with my Daddy today.  He took me on a walk and tried to get me to sleep so that he could draw but every time he stopped the stroller and looked at me I woke up and told him that I wanted to keep going.  I like the feeling of the stroller moving.  I like the sound of different places, the movement enchants me and soothes me.  Mommy was with Solara.  They had a lemonade stand...whatever that is.  It wasn't too long before Mama came back.  I awoke when she kissed me.

"Wow, you're a stinky baby" She said.

I made a face, or at least I think I did.  I know I stink.  I'm the one laying in it remember?  I try to tell her all about it, but she reaches out and picks me up.  My speech gets cut short as my face gets buried in her shoulder as she adjusts my position.  I straighten out my legs and lift my head a little bit to help.

"Anaya, you're such a big girl!  You're helping.  That's great.  You can help me with changing your diaper.  I'm going to lay you down and you're going to try to hold your legs up ok?"

I mumble my agreement, from my position in a puddle on mama's shoulder.  Uh-huh...just lay me down and get it over with.  I get positioned on my change-table and mama does the sniff-sniff thing.  I can tell she's not happy.  She sighs and kisses my feet.

"Baby girl," She says. "you need a bath.  You need a bath right now."  YAY!  A Bath!  I LOVE the water.  She turns me on my side so that the puddle slids over my lips, instead of pouring down my throat.  Then I hear the water running.  The porch door opens and closes with it's wooden BANG!  It always makes me jump when I hear it.  It's rather a startling sound.  I'm just laying there for a while as she gets things ready.  It sounds like she's going to bath me outside in the baby pool in the sun.  A few potfills of water later she returns to my side.  "Everything is ready sweetie."  She undresses me and takes my oxygen off.  Sometimes I don't even know that it's there any more...but it's nice not to have those things up my nose.  I wiggle it a bit and gurgle into mama's shoulder as she carries me outside into the sun.

Entering the water is like floating in heaven.  It's warm.  It's soft.  It surrounds me and holds me.  Warm water is a lot like love.  It just feels good.  The sun and the water feel good.  Mama holds my head and lays me all the way down into it.  My arms float up and I can move them easily.  I start splashing a bit and I let out a gurgle to make sure Mama sees.  "Look mom! I'm splashing!"  She laughs and uses her hand to cup water over my chest.  I pull my legs up and push them down, firmly pressing my feet against the edge of the baby pool.  It feels so different that the bathtub.  It's not hard and plastic.  It's soft and rubbery.  It tickles my toes and I pull my feet back again.  Unfortunately at this point the puddle I've been struggling with decides to slide into my lungs and I let out a huge screaming cough.  

The suction was there in a heartbeat.  Mama had the loud little vacuum tube in my mouth and she sucked the puddle out.  Panting, I try to catch my breath.  Mama lifts me up so that I'm sitting upright.  I groan out a "Thank You" and she kisses my forehead.  Then she lays me gently back down in the water and starts scrubbing me with a soft cloth and some Earth Mama Angel Baby wash that smells like oranges.  Mama likes it and it's gentle on my sensitive skin.  She cleans my tummy and my whole body!  She even washed out my ears!  After I'm all clean she massages my neck.  My neck gets so sore. It's because I have to lay on my side so much.  My shoulders are starting to hunch over a bit.  Mama tries to stretch it for me as often as she can.  It's tender though.

After the bath mama did something different.  She dried me off and then let me lay all nudie in the sunshine.  It was hot and beautiful out.  The sun felt warm and loving on my skin.  I was so wide awake.  For a moment my mama put her forehead against mine and said "I love you".  I LOVE YOU MAMA!  Using all my effort I send the love to her.  She feels it.  I can tell these things.  Moments later she wraps me up in her arms and carries me inside.  I'm the puddle on her shoulder.

"You're my little puddle aren't you?" She says.

I certainly am.

-Another day in paradise, another moment with my little love. Forever embedded in my heart.


  1. Absoulutly beautiful!!! It's amazing how us Mama's know our children and can "feel" their thoughts when they can't tell us. I LOVE this blog--thanks for sharing!

    Denise--Ryder's Mama

  2. It's so beautiful how you know your daughter so well, you're so connected. I cry every time I read your posts Camara! I prayed with my daughters tonight, Aidan who is 5 and Riley Jo who is 7. We prayed for Anaya, and Solara, and you, that God would watch over you all, be close to you and give you what you need. My heart goes out to you. I think of your family often as I go about my day, hoping and praying things are going well, that you're having a good day, that you know that there are people who care about you all, and that you are loved. God Bless you my friend!

  3. I love your writings about Anaya, and yes I do believe you know exactly what she is thinking

  4. Simply precious;I dont know yous but I LOVE yous and wish the best for you everyday .Anaya is a beautiful angel;I love her pics<3

  5. Perfectly beautiful story. I believe every word, I know she's all there, being a typical two year old, even if her body won't cooperate! Good on you.

  6. My favorite post so far!! What a little angel. We are all so, so fortunate to have your family as part of our lives. Thank you so much for sharing all the little details. Much love XO

  7. I came across your story and blog through a friend and have been so moved by your writing. Anaya and Solara are so, so lucky to have you as their mom. You are an inspiration, especially when you're admitting how hard some days are. Please know that there are people who haven't even met you that are sending you love and strength.

  8. A Heavenly Day!

  9. I love these! I feel like I am there with you.. It's amazing.. Beautiful!

  10. Thank you Camara, great way for us to connect w.Anaya and your life

  11. Thank you so much for was much needed in my world to read something so beautiful and pure. I know you do this for healing your heart, and sharing your journey, but you are also very healing for us followers and inspire us more than you will know

  12. Alexandra IrizarryJuly 18, 2011 at 8:49 PM

    Definitely my FAVORITE blog so far, I was brought to tears as I was reading. It is amazing how IN TUNE we are with our children. I imagine the sound of her little voice in my head....xoxo

  13. God bless you everyday Camara. I wish I could help you with Anaya. I swear I love her and don't even know you. I pray for her every night and look at her picture. I pray everyday for a miracle. Give her a hug from me.

  14. Awww, Camara... this post was wonderful. It really helped to put me in little Anaya's shoes. Thanks. You are doing great, as always. Hugs to you all. xoxoxo

  15. What a beautiful little darling, my heart aches for her to be healed.. My thoughts and prayers are with your family and of course your gorgeous little treasure..

  16. There is so much beauty in this life, thanks for your words, Camara. That you experience the beauty in such emotional turbulence is what inspires me. Your strength is undeniable, and your compassion teaches us all. Thank you. Lisa (I love the wagon!)


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