Monday, January 24, 2011

Jan 24, 2010

I've always been an emotional person. Throughout my life I've made most of my choices based on what my heart felt. I've always walked a path of difficulty. My heart doesn't always lead me through what my dad would call "the smart path through life". Apparently I like the hard way. I have loved others, and been loved in return.

I find myself walking another difficult road filled with emotion. My baby lays helpless in my arms, while a disease eats away at the myelin on her brain cells. My little love is a little closer to getting her wings every day. Being with her, comforting her, snuggling her, kissing her delicate skin, I come close to my own mortality. I am watching a part of myself die.

I close my eyes and imagine myself as her. What can I do right now, in this moment, to bring love and wonder to her life? I unfasten her sleeper, lifting her chubby baby legs out one at a time. Gently and firmly I massage her feet, her ankles, her knees. Her little feet, having never known weight bearing, have turned inward. Each ankle is rotated and flexed forward and back as I help her with range of motion exercises. I feel her joy at having her body moved and I coo at her and babble out the thoughts in my mind.

Is love the reason for human existance? I don't know. But it's the reason for mine. I didn't know how much love could hurt - and yet it is a pain I want prolonged. I do not want my daughter's life to end, I do not want this love cast out into the unknown. I am frightened for her. I try not to be. I attempt to live in the moment and embrace the cycle of mortality. I believe death is a doorway.

I simply can only give her my love. I can give her comfort, small joys. This is what I myself would want.
"Mother is the word for God on the lips and in the hearts of children". I will hold my angel's broken body gently to not cause her pain - seeking to bring her moments of wonder and joy. When the time comes, and Anaya gets her wings, she will be free of it's cumbersome limpness to explore the fundamental nature of existance as pure energy.

I can see that in her now, in my minds eye, laying here in the hospital bed. I imagine all sorts of wonders out there for her to explore. I can envision her smile, I can hear her voice calling out "I love you Mommy!"

And I know it's true.

So while I'm sheparding her body through this life, I am blessed to see the beauty of my soul reflected in hers. I am able to give her the love that I myself have always needed, and it heals hurts buried deep inside me. I may follow my heart around more than my head, but for the moment I'm okay with that.

Anaya brings me insight. Her day has been mixed. Moments of clear breathing followed by moments of intense wetness. We have her on antibiotics now. I hope she gets better soon, so that we can snuggle up with the rest of the family at home.

We really need some fresh milk donations. So if you know any loving lactating women in Nelson please tell them - there is an angel nearby that needs their help - even a little bit adds up.


  1. I wish I could have climbed through the phone earlier and just given you a hug.
    I could hear your pain and sadness, even thru the upbeat and positive voice.
    I just wish there was more I could do, turn back time, but you are right, we have to live in the moment, and live each day to the fullest we can.
    Sending all our love and hugs

  2. some little souls are simply too beautiful for this world. when she does get her wings i bet they are going to be strong soft and gorgeous, just like her. i often pump while i read your blog. and this time i really cried reading i am leaking from two places wishing i could help more, not sure what to say because its scary for me to even try to imagine your pain....i guess i want more than anything for you to know your loved camara. ~heather

  3. Every word you have written in this blog is full of love Camara. What a strong woman you are. You and Anaya are so beautiful, so full of love... You are both warriors and angels...

    I could get milk, but we are in Calgary... Do you know how we can send it?

    Big hugs for you both!!!

  4. Oh Camara, tears for you tonight. I don't even have any words. Just know that I am thinking about you, your beautiful little girl and every moment you get with her.
    I feel confident that she knows how much you love her and if she could, she would say I love you Mommy, more than you will ever know.
    Sending you a big hug.

  5. Felipe,
    We have someone taking milk from Calgary to Anaya on friday.
    Please email me on and I can put you in touch with the lady who is storing it until then.
    Thanks so much

  6. God Bless you. Anaya has an angel mom.
    You are such an inspiration to read and my heart and prayers go out to you and your family.
    I believe love is what makes the world go round and following your heart is never the easy way but it's the most rewarding way.
    Sending you lots of love and prayers.

  7. Lu, that email isn't working.'s the baby doing?

  8. Hey Felipe,
    I am not sure why its not working, thats my correct email address.
    Maybe try again, I have been receiving emails all evening ok, if still no luck try emailing Camara on her email on the right, and she can forward to me.

  9. Hi Camara, you and Anaya are amazing. Thinking of you all so much. Love from Sarah, Richard and Nathaniel xxx

  10. Oh my gosh, I read this and my heart goes out to you! I held my babies so close to me tonight and thanked God for their health. You are such strength determination and love... your daughter will one day leave this world loved far more than most. My heart is with you and I will talk to any lactating moms that I know...


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