Tuesday, November 9, 2010

November 9, 2010

I sometimes wonder what Anaya would be doing right now if she were a normal baby. Other babies her age are walking, dancing, eating solid foods and speaking their first words. While everyone else grows up - Anaya stays the same. Right now she is snuggled up in my left arm while I type with my right hand. She breathes, she mews, once in a while her little legs tense up. This is the same behaviour as 6 months ago.

I had the privilege of holding a newborn the other day. She put her hand in her mouth and sucked on her fingers. Anaya cannot move her hand to her mouth - nor suck. I wonder if she remembers any different. Sometimes in her sleep her little tongue moves like a baby nursing. I wonder if she dreams of nursing. I wonder if her dreams are sighted. When someone goes blind do they still dream in images? I would think so.

Anaya slept well last night - she was able to communicate to me that she was uncomfortable by letting out a little cry every minute or so. I changed her position and the little cries stopped and she slept soundly all night. Around 3 am I awoke to the sound of laboured breathing - so I turned on the vapour nebulizer and held the mist to her face. She breathed it in her sleep and her breathing became easier after about 10 minutes. Then I tried to go back to sleep.

It can be difficult to fall asleep once you are fully awake. My mind filled with to-do lists in preparation for the coming day and I started to feel anxiety. I remembered from previous experience that this can spiral into a panic attack. So I stopped thinking about stuff and sang kids songs in my head. I fell asleep sing-song counting in french. Now that I'm awake I dont even remember the song. Funny that.

Now we are up and my thoughts swirl again. When a mama looks at her baby does she ever see the flaws? I suppose we see them - but with unconditional love. Staring gently at her angelic face I wonder if there is a more beautiful baby anywhere on earth. Her eyebrows sit like golden arches over her mossy hazel eyes. Each eyelash curls in lengthy beauty up and to the side. Her delicate little button nose is the perfect spot to kiss, sitting just above her plump little lips.

Today is a perfect day for a snuggle and a cup of tea. In a week and a day we leave for the hospital. I'm striving to make each moment a perfect memory. Giving to my little love all the gentle stimulating experiences I can imagine. I gave her a drop of fresh pressed apple juice on her tongue the other day. Oh how she loved it! Her eyes widened and her little tongue licked her lips. Perhaps I shall find another drop of something interesting today.

13 comments:

  1. You are so right about the unconditional love.
    But each time I see a pic of Anaya, and read your blog, I just smile and see beauty.
    x

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  2. I just saw your story and it touched me..i have posted this on my facebook status for all my friends and family in calgary who may know someone who can help you.. thinking about you and keeping you in my thoughts! stay strong and keep fighting!

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  3. Thank you for reminding me to appreciate the simple moments. They are the true gifts in life. Your writing is beautiful, as is your daughter. I wish you both peace.
    Brandy

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  4. I wish I was still producing, so I could send you some. I send you lovely thoughts instead (& i posted your story in the vancouver sun to my status, hoping some of my bfing mamas can help you out). All the very best from a loving stranger, -mikara

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  5. Hi Camara - I just read your story in the online Vancouver Sun, and wanted to share with you a resource I read about within the last few days that might be help you source out more donated breast milk. Check out montrealmilkshare.org or search Eats On Feets Quebec on Facebook. It's a service spearheaded by two Montreal based mothers to link breast milk donors with recipients. Good luck with this as well as your upcoming trip to Calgary, and continue to enjoy your precious little daughter. She's beautiful.

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  6. Your blog is so moving. I don't know any breastfeeding moms in Calgary but I've passed this URL on to a lot of people I know so hopefully the message reaches the right place.

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  7. Camara,

    We are spreading the word for you through Eats on Feets Alberta and I hope there are enough mothers who can help you. I am in Lethbridge, 2.5 hours south of Calgary, if there is a way to get the milk to you, I will give you my milk. I have a pump and am currently nursing my 20 month old with her older sister. So, if there is any possible way, I will get my milk to you. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs (of any type) and eat a healthy diet. You can contact me at kmsiever@gmail.com.

    You and Anaya are in my prayers. If she has hung on this long, she has tenacity!

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  8. Actually, my sister is coming to visit for this weekend, she lives in Calgary, if I can get some pumped (it might take some time to build up a supply) I can try and send some through her? But I hope you get some local mums who can give you milk.

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  9. Hi there - I saw the article in the Herald and came to your blog. What a gorgeous girl you have, and such a tragic story. I have milk I can donate and live in Calgary. millsj@shaw.ca.

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  10. Eats on Feets ~ Alberta is working to help find your beautiful daughter breast milk donations. If there is anything else we can do, please let us know. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  11. I just read your story in the Calgary Herald. You and your family are an amazing inspiration. I have milk I can donate. tanyajohnstone@shaw.ca

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  12. You are such a beautiful writer, and such a beautiful mom to Anaya. Ever since I was directed to your blog, I can't stop thinking about you and your family. I can imagine her face, enjoying the drop of apple juice. Even if she is not able to experience what other children her age are experiencing, she has a loving mom who provides her with comfort and love, and she knows this. Sending you and your family warm thoughts. xo Langley Milky Mom

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  13. Your mother-love writing about Anaya moved me to tears. We're many years since weaning, but oh if I could have donated, I sure would have. Carolyn

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